Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Glitter for Brains Review of the Year!

2005. It was, as the Queen would say, 'a bit of a shit year, wasn't it?'
But it wasn't all bombings, earthquakes, and the arrival of the Pussycat Dolls. There were some good things too! Lets start to reflect - we know we are: we're wearing sequins. Onward!

Most Loathed Thing of the Year
50 Cents. This grumbling oaf of an entertainer has the showbiz presence of a wardrobe, and appears to rely on the sole claim to fame of being shot nine times.
That's not a claim to fame. That's just not taking the hint.


Album of the Year!
We don't know what we have against the vapid collection of singing mini-kilts known as The Pussycat Dolls, but you can guarantee that their debut effort is as near to this list as Myra Hindley was near a playgroup. 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' Goodness no madam. I've seen less slap on a drag queen.

Meanwhile, up the other end of the speculum. plastic personality-vacuum Rachel Stevens gave quite a credible effort of a second pop album of jaunty tunes and giggly lyrics. Although the general public, not necessarily known for their discerning taste, decided that you must actually have a character in order to be interesting and unfortunately the album sold three copies. So now she's been dropped with such speed from the record company it brings to mind the incident with Eric Clapton's son.

And lo! Who's that at number two in our list, clinging to dancefloor credibility with her withered claws? Why it's aged disco-husk Madonna! And this time she's got her sticky fingers on pop, which she'll probably claim to have invented in the first place anyway. The album is, begrudgingly, her best in years, though she loses points once again for a couple of songs banging on about how hard fame is, and should she give it all up, and people should be nice to her because she's had such a hard life being an international jet-setting star. Oh boo-fricking-hoo.

So who's at number one? Why it's those premiere peddlers of pop tat, the immortal Girls Aloud, soaring in to the top of our personal charts. This time they swear! They sing about sexy role-playing! They rap! Oh, it's all too hilarious! Let's print a picture of the album cover before it was touched up, shall we?

Chemistry!


Word of the Year
1st Place: Naughty
2nd Place: Soufflé


Man Alive!
Meanwhile, we do like a nicely-turned ankle on a gentleman here at Glitter for Brains, and this year has been so chock full of talent, our own ankles have been forced skyward quite regularly. So who's been making us drop our chips this last year? Well, rising up our poles, we have:

The lead guy from Stargate: Atlantis (warm)
Matthew Fox from Lost (hot)
Chris Evans from Fantastic Four (hot hot hot)

But who's causing our wanky-hanky to be so encrusted that it takes a cricket bat to fold? Why it's Jake Gyllenhaal! We know we're a late-comer (as it where) to Mr Gyllenhaal's work, but he gets applause for working as a gay cowboy in a film that's going to be parodied in the Gentlemen Who Like Soft Furnishings porn industry for years to come. 'Bareback Mountain' anyone? Why yes, thank you, I think I will.

Slipping out of the chart this year:
Dear Sawyer from Lost. He had a brief dalliance at the entrance of the chart, there is something wrong with his shoulders. It's abnormal!


Best Film of the Year
Nothing has us on the edge of our seat, dabbing away with a wet tissue more than a good flick. And sometimes we enjoy movies too! So what did we like this year? Lets say Narnia - well, an icy queen and a couple of talking beavers, why it took us all the way back to some cabaret we did back in 1984.
We have one question about the grown-up characters at the end of the film: surely they've had... urges by this point. And with them being the only humans in Narnia, well... you can see where we're going with this, can't you? And in all fairness, Edmund did give those centaurs a funny look, come to think...


Worst Film of the Year
Controversially, we're plumbing for King Kong. What a load of old rot. And hilarious for many reasons, not just the final scene where Kong dies and Naomi Watts looks around thinking "Right. OK. I'm now on the top of the Empire State Building in a pair of six-inch gold heels. You fucker."


Porn Film Title of the Year!
Coming Third: 'Oklahomo!'
Coming Second: 'Tracy's Local Pub Lock-In!'
And coming first: 'My Ass Is Haunted!'


And finally, Daftest Thing To Happen To Your Ruler Last Year!

3rd Place: Getting sent a parka from a reader!

2nd Place: Working on my all-time favourite TV Show, Doctor Who!

1st Place: Wandering around the console room set of my all-time favourite TV Show, Doctor Who! See? Look! I'm grinning like a special!

Spaz!

And - thank you all for reading. As ever. You're all lovely.

20 comments:

morgalou said...

No, no, no. Sawyer's shoulders do not deserve a chart demotion. They make such a lovely hanger for that black shirt, and quite frankly, in the latest episode (in which Le Sawyer can be seen engaged in the manly, sweaty, shirtless act of cutting down a tree.....) I actually had to chew my hand in order to prevent the sigh of happiness being heard by The Other Half.

kim said...

"Bareback Mountin'", surely?

Lee said...

Morgalou: They slope. They slope at a 45 degree angle. They should have a little sign at the top saying 'Danger! 1:2! Test your brakes!'

Kim - I love you.

ViVi said...

And you're quite lovely yourself, m'dear! As hilarious and spot on look at 2005 as I'm likely to find. Have a wonderful New Year, and stay fabulous! :)

morgalou said...

I detect shoulder-slope discrimination. I had noticed their somewhat immense steepness, but I'm a generous soul and am prepared to overlook these things if it's worth my while....

surly girl said...

and you're lovely too. no jack black in your gorgeous man-mountain category tho. boo.

mwah.

Lee said...

> no jack black in your gorgeous man-mountain category

No. Odd, that.

This is because he is Gunter McMunter. He wears munting socks.

Kellycat said...

Surly - Jack Black? You're so weird.

I have had a crush on Heath Ledger for many years, and as he appears to like the older lady, I think I'm in with a chance (what with him still being about 12).

And even though I know/hope it's pretend, I still can't go to see a film in which he's gay. Or a cowboy.

The Lady Muck said...

hmmm yes sawyer... I did have an issue with his shoulders to begin with... then I thought heck! I'm only 5foot1, when we do eventually roll in the hay (oh, it will happen oh yes) i'm too small to see the downward slant. But yes, I see what you mean dear.
Mmm brokeback mountain. Loves it. I so will be able to watch that film. Just peel me from the seat when it's finished. Tears dahlin', tears. Not ***, honest.

coolbuddha said...

God, some people look so damn sexy in a jumper.
Sorry? Oh, yes - nice watch.
And those shirt collars...I'll stop now

Qenny said...

Jack Black???? *eugh*

And now that that's out of my system, let me just squirm with delicious oh-gawd-I-wish-I-had-your-lifeness for a few moments about getting to mince around in the TARDIS console room.

Snooze said...

I've been reading so much on your blog about Girls Alive that I downloaded a few of their songs. Suddenly I'm very happy that they haven't reached this side of the Atlantic. you owe me for the therapy I will have to undergo to get that noise out of my head.

Frank said...

No, you're lovely!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Thank you for Girls Aloud - I went out and bought their album and am now looking for their first two on the cheap! Fabulous.

I told Sawyer to stand with slumping shoulders so that people would go off him. Now he's all mine. AHHAHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAAHAHHAH!

Thank you for the entertainment - you were my first Blog find on a boring day at work months and months ago.

MQ said...

Indeed, Lee, you are lovely.

If Chris Moyles is "The future king of England's second favourite DJ" (so the jingles would have us believe) then Glitter For Brains is my second favourite blog. Or possibly third. Still, you can't have them all, huh.

And so I wish you a happy and hilarious year, which we can then all read about on your blog.

But you don't actually wear that parka do you? You never seem to have it on in your photos. Not gay enough, I dare say...

Reluctant Nomad said...

Why does 'souffle' deserve second place? What have I missed out on to not understand this?

Talking of parkas, here in the sticks, some of the gay men still wear huge puffa (sp?) jackets so that they look like mobile michelin men....too weird for words!

St. Dickeybird said...

lol - Disco Husk! I love it!
And I agree, I heard her first single (the abba one) while sitting on a toilet. It seemed sooo suitable.

tornwordo said...

That was marvelous. And I love that last pic. Happy new year!

mainja said...

we really are lovely aren't we. yay us!

Erinna said...

Heeheehee...you're as fabulous as ever! ;) Happy 2006!