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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

He Shoots, She Doesn't Score

My mother's in love. Again.

A professional footballer has moved in next door to her, which is a bit like a gay sauna opening up one house along from Dennis Nilson. "Oh Lee," she cooed in her Brummie accents. "He's gorgeous." And then proceeded to list the incidents on which she's based an entire relationship with him in her head:

"My bin was out the other day, and when I came back, his was out too and they were touching!"

The courting ritual is obviously a lot more complex in the north of England. No wonder I didn't get a decent length of cock until I got to university.

I looked up from my Dalek jigsaw, "He's not in love with you, you silly mare."

"It's destined to be," she said dreamily. "When he moved in, I saw him carrying the boardgame Cluedo."

"So?"

"So? So?! I love Cluedo!"

I rolled my eyes. She hates board games. And is always mixing up 'Cluedo' with 'a litre of vodka'.

14 comments:

Fuckkit said...

*gasps* Birmingham is not the North Of England! Take that back!

Lee said...

(shh! I only said that so the Canadians would know where it was!)

Qenny said...

Courting rituals? Must be a straight thing. They do seem to be so old fashioned about things like asking for a name before sex.

Snooze said...

Cluedo... I vaguely remember that. I'm going to have to look that up to see what it involves. Ah well Lee, good on your mum for at least planning.

RickB said...

so she likes murder, vodka and footballers, no wonder you're gay. keep an eye on that wheelie bin though you might find bits of him in there before long...

Broderick said...

I WAS FULLY AWARE OF WHERE BIRMINGHAM WAS. ... ... ... It's in Scotland, right?

Just kidding.

Now, do any of the Britons know where Flin Flon is? Or Spuzzum? Or... (Gasp) Dildo?

The answer key: Manitoba, B.C. and Newfoundland.

Brad Fitt said...

Rick likes murder, vodka and footballers *strokes chin*

The Lady Muck said...

Fuckkit: anywhere north of the watford gap is the nor... *SLAP!*
Heehee. Go on, your mum! *chants in footballish(???) way*

Spike said...

Professional footy player huh? He's probably down the beat touching bins as we speak.

Perry Neeham said...

Elementary My dear Watson, It was Ma Glitter in the changing room with the a tube of ralgex.

Marcia said...

Wow. Bin touching. That's a big step. I've planned weddings because of less.

You're SO going to have a footballer step dad!

Jaclyn said...

Hilarious, as usual.

jjd said...

cluedo.. is this the british spelling of the game clue?

You brits are so damn cute!

your evil, bullying step-son,
jjd

Kellycat said...

Surly has the same level of rationality about her "relationship" with Robbie Williams.