Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

In Other News

Our newspapers are getting themselves into a bit of a tizzy at the moment, which is always hilarious to watch. Lets face it, the pink press is always in a tizzy ('Have YOU Seen Mamma Mia Yet? Witness The Gays That Haven't!') so it's nice that the broadsheets of the Ordinary Folk are getting in on the act.

For example, last weekend we had a whale getting hideously lost and finding it's way halfway up the Thames. It was more a surprise to most Londoners as its widely known that nothing can actually live in the Thames; the river is so full of toxins that it's rumoured Lulu uses it for a chemical face peel.

Ah, but then the whale died. The country was seemingly plunged into national mourning if you believe the papers as it was the biggest news story for two days. There was an eight-page souvenir guide in one. Ludicrous. And people started believing it too: one girl in my office admitted to saying a prayer for Whaley over a bar of soap that evening. Stupid girl.

Oh! Then we had the Lib Dems policical party! As far as I can tell, in the US the politicians are mostly about money. Here, they're all drunkards or closeted Gentlemen Who Are Secretly Good Listeners When Their Wives Aren't Around. Yet another one has been outed by a national newspaper as he steps up for leadership of his political party, with the revelation that he's been having an 'affair' with a rent boy for a 'lengthy period'.

The big question is: how does one have an affair with a rent boy? Surely if money is exchanging hands, that is not an affair, merely a prolonged transaction.

Or maybe it was a block booking.

Or more likely a 'booked blocking' in that case.

In other news, damn you all for remembering that I said I'd do the Halle Berry speech if I won the Blog Award. I was hoping that one would slip by under the radar and I could get away with that.

(looks slyly right)

Oh look! It's Jake Gyllenhaal in his pants everybody!

(scarpers)

17 comments:

Imogen said...

Jake Gyllenhaal?
C'mon Lee, surely you can do better than that! I mean, he's not even in your 'glittering celebs' column..
Now, Matthew Fox might have gotten you a little more leeway
:)

Nan said...

yes it's true - our politicians are very macho and about money. If they aren't out when elected and are instead "discovered" they usually resign.

And yes, Jake was a disappointing excuse.

Kirses said...

i thought i was alone in my almost complete lack of interest in the whale wot was sick and wandered into the thames - big flipping deal!

how could anyomne choose Matthew over Jake? does no one remember his goofy hair in Party of Five?? (or am I showing my age?)

The Lady Muck said...

Look, people, you are missing the point... Lee! You aren't getting out of this one so easily, speech speech speech! Now, where was that young man in his pants?...

Spinsterella said...

What I want to know is what exactly was the "bizzare sex act too revolting to describe" Oaten was into, according to the News of the World? Oh, and the "unspeakable act of degredation" too.

Sounds like fun...

Inexplicable DeVice said...

... pant... pant (no pun intended)... Just got back from... pant... chasing after Jakey.

Anyone... pant pant... see which way... pant pant... Heath Ledger went?

morgalou said...

Spinsterella: I reckon it was knitting. Followed by crocheting an antimaccasar.

Now, Lee - I agree with imogen. Matthew Fox might have got you out of this. Jake, lovely as he might be, will not. Although, if you happen to have a particularly slopey-shouldered member of the "Lost" cast going spare, I could possibly look the other way. Just this once.....

Mmmm. Sawyer....... what we we talking about?

Fuckkit said...

I was gutted when it died, that was gonna be my lunch.

Gareth said...

If the observer is to be believed, Mr Oaten liked to be humiliated, and that he aranged his rendevous over t'internet.


Does this mean he had a gaydar profile?

Kellycat said...

I'm still waiting for a Gwyneth Paltrow speech....

How exactly do I go about withdrawing my numerous votes...?

Miss Mish said...

Now look, we've all turned up in our best party frocks and are ready to hear your speech. We assumed all those lovely boys are merely set dressing and will get rather rough with them if we are left...unsatisfied.... shall we say?

Now unless you want to se darling Jake and Heath and Matthew 'spoilt' or split or damaged I suggest you sashay up to the podium and start speeaking.
NOW.
We made you and we can break you sweetie.....

Vampire Librarian said...

Dammit, Lee. Get back here and take your botox like a man and then try to emote your heart out with your face paralyzed. We want to see it.

Spike said...

Anyone... pant pant... see which way... pant pant... Heath Ledger went?

He's holed up (*smirk*) in his flat in Darlo with a mob of lustful queens shrieking endearments at him from the pavement.

Perry Neeham said...

Probably a bit of a bugger for him, but the Mark Oaten thing was bloody funny for the rest of us.

I sorta feel I should vote for the party which has the best sex scandals and, sad to say, that has meant the Tories (Major/Curry, Mellor, Yeo, Milligan) so it's good to see the Lib Dems coming up on the outside rail (Jeremy Thorpe, Paddy Pantsdown, Mark Oaten).

Appart from that unappealing Welsh bloke, the Labour party just don't seem to have fun. C'mon Blair, announce a 'Back to Basics' initiative - THAT should get things going!

tornwordo said...

I love it when you're dripping with sarcasm.

Speech, speech!

rhino75 said...

You'll never eat lunch on this blog again!! Or do I mean I'll never eat lunch on this blog again? That's not much of a threat, is it? But I was SO looking forward to the speech. Félicitations nevertheless!!

coolbuddha said...

An anti-whale rant? Pooh to you.