Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

My Religion

Being the professional screaming high-kicking Gentleman Who's Good With Colours, one does like take time each day to pop into church and nip in for a quick confessional.

Actually, when I say 'church', I mean 'gym'. And when I say 'confessional', I mean 'ending up on bended knees in a cubicle thanking the Lord for what's before me.' Oh, it's hilariously easy to mix up!

But yes, post-Christmas gym is always hideous. Full of fair-weather secretaries who will be back down the wine-bars come February, supping warm Wolfblass through a straw and talking about Big Brother. In the interim, we have them causing untold mirth as they try and use a Swiss ball with two-inch fibreglass fake fingernails. Oh! One almost had her eye out the other day in a particularly comical sit-up that went hilariously wrong. That was almost worth a month's membership on its own!

Anyway, with such popularity the instructors have taken to drastic measures to driving people away yet still keep their membership fees. And this is utterly true: the other day someone put cake-mix in the sauna. Cinnamon, you know. And as the heat (and cake) rose, the whole place was wafted with the scent of delicious cakey goods. You could see it going through the spin class like some sort of bake-sale tsunami. And with each turned head, you could see the look "Why am I here? Why do I put myself through this? I should be out there, having fun! Having cake!"

The result: it was empty this morning. And I was able to go into the dance class and do my impression of the pink leotarded Madonna in the 'Hung Up' video for the whole hour.

24 comments:

Imogen said...

>Full of fair-weather secretaries who will be back down the wine-bars come February<

By February? Thats an impressive committment level- I went once, and thats the last time I'm setting in the gym til next January

Spinsterella said...

My gym is in Bristol's most totally chav-tastic neighbourhood.

Do you think that being laden down with 47 gold chains and huge hoop earrings is actually part of the workout?

Jaclyn said...

It's nice to know that Americans aren't the only ones out there that have issues with being fit and healthy.

I think there should be a company that opens their gym ONLY from Jan 1 - Jan 31, that way the fairweather secretaries aren't putting anybody else out by exerting the willpower for a month. Or so.

mainja said...

back when i actually went to the gym *lowers eyes guiltily* i remember that januaries were always terrible because they were so crowded.

now i'm thinking about going back, in january no less.

imagine that.

tornwordo said...

Last year spouse bought a membership with personal training sessions (1200$) and went ONCE, I will be reminding him of that for years to come.

Lee said...

> now i'm thinking about going back, in january no less.

We all do. It's a post-Christmas thing, you know.

epicurist said...

Were your asscheeks as perky and tight as Madonna's? I can only bet if not more. ;-p

surly girl said...

i'd have paid good money to see that.

but then i'm a dirty girl.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

But... but... why weren't you tempted by cake? Surely you must like cake? To not like cake (esp.cinnamon cake) is preposterous...

Lee said...

I am a Gay, Inexplicable. Our sworn enemy is carbs.

Well. Carbs and bad lighting.

Er. Carbs, bad lighting and cheap wine.

RickB said...

carbs, bad lighting and cheap wine? That sounds like my perfect night out, in/with a cheap italian.

Jay said...

Beardface is being disengenuous... he didn't mind carbs so much when gallumphing down a bagel, thickly spread with jam last evening...

Kellycat said...

I'm not going to my gym anymore cos there's no other fat people.

I refuse to be everybody else's entertainment (well not when I'm paying for it anyway).

The Lady Muck said...

Pink leotard. Picture. Now. Heehee.

Dantallion said...

Are you absolutely sure that it was the cinnamon cake that kept people from joining you this morning?

jjd said...

hm.. not to diss madonna at all, but the exercises you were impersonating didn't look very strenuous in her video, perhaps you should have gone to the elliptical instead?

Oh, why am I talking? I don't even go to the gym!

Vesper said...

Your gym sounds fabulously entertaining!

P.S. Your blog now decorates my sidebar!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I know carbs are our sworn enemy but they're so delicious... I'm not so much sleeping with the enemy as eating it!

Totally with you on the Bad Lighting and Cheap Wine, though.

Frank said...

Well, if carbs our the sworn enemy of the Gays, then I'm just a big ole POW with Stockholm Syndrome! Bow to your carbohydrate overlords! Of course, I am a really crap Gay who never gets laid, so... *sigh*

I want video of your Hung Up impression!

Snooze said...

It always amazes me when women work out with fake nails and full make-up. I thought only drag queens would do that, but there are several women at the gym now who seem to dress better to work out than i do on dates.

klee said...

Hmph, I've never once kneeled down in the shower cubicle and thanked the Lord at my gym - despite it being full of the gays.

I mustn't sweat attractively or something.

My gym is currently full to overflowing with fat middle managers with pretensions to 'rugby build'. It's like being trapped in the Bears' chatroom on gaydar - but without the talk of cockrings.

Concrete X said...

I demand (I can't do html tags - just think of the word 'demand' in bold and glittery - waddayamean you can't do html glitter?) that Lee does pictures of him doing Hung Up.

He's done worse on me. The git.

Joe said...

"like a bake-sale tsunami"

Oh. My. Sides.

Lee, this one made the rounds at my office. You killed. Killed, I tells ya!

-Joe

Chaichakri said...

The gym is also my 'church' na! Somehow, besides work, and sleep, I think I spend the MOST time at gym. Practically, I can't get over a day if I don't vist my church na!