Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Border Control

The shutters are down. The barbed wire is up. The bloodhounds have been loosed upon Offa's Dyke, and she ain't happy about it.

It seems Lee is stuck in Wales a little longer than he originally planned. Today was meant to be my last day here at Glitter For Brains, but I've been asked to extend my season to the end of this week. Lee will return next Monday but, in the meantime, you'll have to put up with this:


1) Ironically for the star of Jaws, Roy is actually half-shark, on his mother's side.

2) That bit in Jaws when Roy is on the beach and he realises the shark is about to attack, and the camera pulls in on him while the background seems to drop away? That's called a dolly zoom. This fact will amuse my friends.

3) Since starring in Jaws, Roy's career has gone from bad (Seaquest DSV) to worse (The Punisher). Luckily, he's got a lucrative sideline appearing in other movies, working under the pseudonym 'Angelina Jolie'.

4) Roy is having Brad Pitt's baby, but he doesn't want to talk about it.

5) It is one of the tenets of Scientology that images of Roy should never be created in any media; to do so is the greatest blasphemy. I'm not a Scientologist myself, but I did join in when they burnt all my local Blockbusters' copies of The Rainmaker.

6) The boat in Jaws - you know the one, the "bigger boat" - was Roy's own real-life yacht. Man, was he pissed off about that.

7) Roy's house is bigger than your house.

8) After mating, Roy produces an egg sac that can contain up to a thousand tiny eggs, which is hidden under a rock, attached to a plant stalk, or encased in a web. Tiny roylings hatch from the eggs - they look like tiny versions of the adult. The roylings climb on to their father's back after hatching, where he feeds them. In some species of Scheider, the father dies when the young are ready to go off on their own, and the roylings eat his carcass.

9) In his younger days, Roy spent a summer working at his local McDonald's. He lost his job when he was found slathering a naked co-worker in strawberry milkshake and sending her running into the midst of a hungry pack of obese Americans for his own twisted amusement.

10) Roy is currently appearing in shackles at the Old Vic.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

re 8) Is there some kind of spray to get rid of any infestations if Roy gestates too near ones home?

One can never be underprepared...

Snooze said...

Was the milkshake incident caught on video? That sounds quite intriguing.

Tickersoid said...

At the risk of seeming a bit 'nerdy', I believe that the shot, first used by Speelburger, Which trickily involves, moving the dolly into the subject, whilst symultaniously changing focus and zoom, such that the subject remians the same size in the frame. Is called a 'trombone shot'.
Mabey that's just the American term for the same thing. What do I know, I'm just a steel worker.

The rest seems pretty acurate though.

Jemima said...

I believe Roy Scheider invented the sofa.

He was the first man to eat spaghetti in Swansea.


His tears contain the cure for cancer.

CyberPete said...

I wonder where Stephanie Beacham fits into all this. I wonder if she did voice overs for him.

Ollie said...

Roy has long been on the endangered actors list. His pubic hairs go for a small fortune on eBay.

The Lady Muck said...

I feel enriched with knowledge... They should bring in #9 as a sport... haha

Yammer Rancour said...

What was wrong with Seaquest DSV? *pout*