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Monday, February 20, 2006

Cutitons, uglatoms and adorabolicules

So, which are cuter - cats or dogs? We're here today to find out.

(And I'm feeling much better today, thank you for asking.)

For this experiment, you will need:

A cat
A dog
A camera
A wide-angle lens

Quick heads-up about wide-angle lenses: at their more extreme lengths, as well as taking in more of a view than the human eye normally can, they have the effect of distorting anything that strays too near to the lens. As we shall see...


This cat is my own lovely ginger pussy, Gramsci.


A perfectly handsome animal, I think you'll agree.


wide-angle cat

Freakish! Get it away from me, before it attacks!



Note that the dog is engaged in cute dog-like behaviour, trying to catch a stream of water in its mouth. The stupid thing.


wide-angle dog

How simply gorgeous! Can we keep it, Mummy? Can we?


We can see that dogs are rendered cuter by the application of a wide-angle lens, while cats are made to look threatening and unpleasant. But why should this be?

In taking the second photo in each case, the wide-angle lens is drawing in more light particles in order to make the picture. But along with these particles, it is also capturing more of the other particles present around animals - namely cutitons, uglatoms and adorabolicules.

Dogs - dirty, noisy, dangerous things that they are - have a tendancy to absorb more uglatoms. This means more cutitons and adorabolicules are floating freely in the air around them. The wide-angle lens takes these in, condensing them into the photo with the dog and making the dog itself seem cuter and more adorable than it actually is.

Cats, on the other hand - being graceful, beautiful and stately - absorb the cutitons and adorabolicules, leaving the uglatoms to float free. Hence, when seen through the all-encompassing wide-angle lens, the uglatoms are combined with the image of the cat to present it as a ghoulish misrepresentation of its true self.

Ergo, I can say without doubt and without a shred of obvious bias, that cats are cuter than dogs. Science says so. Anyone who says otherwise is a crazy.


MQ said...

Think you just said the "o" word - so you clearly are a crazy. Thanks for clarifying that following your otherwise strange conclusions.

MQ said...


St. Dickeybird said...

Cats. Easily.

David said...

Ooh... now rats are an entirely different proposition. I used to have two wonderful pet rats - Tick and Ralph - but no one else I have ever met thinks that they rank anywhere on the cute animals scale, sadly.

MQ said...

Oh dear.

No, no, no.

"Rats" is my current expletive of choice.

Am I too subtle, or have you all double-bluffed me now?

Fuckkit said...

I reckon wide-angle cat is cute. Do you think I can get a cat that looks like that permanently?

Traveller said...

Okay, I'll bite, since no one else is:

Why David, your pussy is simply stunning.

There you go - it must be at least weeks since anyone told you that.

kim said...

Cutons, and Cutinos. Dunno where you got those Cutitons from. Pff, dizzy gays, their little heads just can't be trusted with anything more complex than soft furnishing...


David said...

Gasp! Lowrie? Is that *you*?!

MinCat said...

but of COURSE mon ami!

Dantallion said...

C'mon now - EVERYBODY knows the correct answer is dogs.

(as for your apparent ability to twist the scientific evidence to support a conclusion you'd already reached, have you ever considered a career with the Bush administration?)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I just love a bit of science before dinner.

Spaceminx said...

Well I've met you and I think rats are cute. But then this particular topic of conversation has never cropped up before so you'd be forgiven for not knowing that I think rats are cute.

You do know how much I love pussy though. Tee hee.

Jemima said...

CATSCATSCATS, and that's science. I have the same problem, and I'm 1/8th feline. Too many uglatoms floating free, it all makes sense.

Frank said...

They're both cute! Can't we all just get along?

Vesper said...

You fucking rock! I love this post. So funny.

I like both cats and dogs, although I far prefer cats. A stupid cat is still good for cuddling, but a stupid dog should be taken out and shot.


The Lady Muck said...

Cats are definitely cuter than dogs... One thing thou... you have a cat called Gramsci? Thats ace *grins*

Snooze said...

Danatallion is off his meds right now so ignore his delusional ranting - clearly, as you so aptly demonstrated, cats are cuter.

I do like dogs, but I can't get into wandering around with a plastic bag picking up their crap.

Spike said...

What Snooze said and particularly not while it's STILL WARM!

Gareth said...

nithr are cute, I have a love hate relationship with animasl, I hate it when they come near me unless they are on a plate.