Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Dander Is Up

I am enraged. En. Raged.

And it takes a lot to enrage me. A poor haircut, or maybe even the cable shorting out when I'm watching Totally Spies.

But when a TV 'fashion designer' hoiks up her bovine thighs to stand on a soap box and proclaim that she doesn't want us Gentlemen Who Ordered Suddenly Susan On DVD to run the country, my long-standing dander is fully up.

This Lowri Turner, a pan-faced fabric frightener, states that we'd be rubbish at governing as most of our worries are about whether to chose a black sofa or a cream one. Good lord, woman! That's like saying all straight people care about is where the next baby is coming from!

'My gay friends have not sat in accident and emergency with a small child. They have not had to make the decision over whether to give them MMR. They have not struggled to get their child statemented or gone through the schools' appeals process. Without these experiences at the sharp end of our public services, they do not know how they function.'

And I bet, dear Lowri, you haven't been in a HIV clinic, fretting as you wait for the results. I bet you've never been classed as a second-class citizen by your pension and mortgage company.

And I can tell from this distance you're a complete stranger to salad. And do something about your pores, dear. You can serve dip out of them.

Ah, but before we can accuse her of prejudice, she tacks on this immortal caveat: "Oh, some of my best friends are gay." Oh that old cure-all. You can picture her saying it a dismissive flap of her cloven hoof as we all look at her incredulously. Well, not any more they're not, love. We're all on a mission to make sure you can't get a decent haircut this side of 2050.

She's clearly mad anyway. We have it on record that she thinks former Doctor Who Jon Pertwee is sexy. Yes, the third one. The one who looks like Molly Sugden:

Molly and Jon

This mad, mad argument comes thanks to those two Lib Dem politicians coming out last week. Well, my dear Lowri, if they're coming out so late in their career, don't you think it already proves that we do run the country. You just don't know it yet.

(pauses for breath)

Anyway. If it was all about scatter cushions, we'd still do a better job than the Straights. Witness this and see whether your eyes can stay in your head for longer than twenty seconds before the jelly starts running down your cheeks.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

No, I adore YOU!

>"And do something about your pores, dear. You can serve dip out of them." Priceless! I love a good pore joke.

Glad to see Molly getting another mention. She should be the next Doctor Who.

St. Dickeybird said...

I love that "but my best friends are gay" BS.
They must be pretty awful to like being treated like s**t by their bigotted friend.

And straight-but-childless couples don't have to go through all those kid issues either. That kills the 'no babies' issue.

Skip said...

You are wonderful - but you shouldn't be in power. Remember when you took over Swindon for a week?

PS: Love the cabinet living room. Such attention to detail. Apart from the PVC patio doors.

morgalou said...

My eyes! My poor, poor eyes. First La Sugden, then, well, that. There's really no excuse.

And it's not like some of us, regardless of our inclinations towards boys or girls, haven't had to listen to endless stories of "The time we spent three hours in A&E because Junior got a Calpol spoon stuck up his nose". Which is, quite possibly, worse than actually having to be there.

But enough of that... we want to hear more about your "long standing dander". Oh yes.

Lee said...

You behave, missus!

andrea said...

In my experience, women are just as likely as gay men to be more concerned about whether to choose a black sofa or a cream one, so does that mean women need to step out of office and back into barefoot and preggers in the kitchen? As far as sitting in accident and emergency with an injured child, a gay friend of mine has done that (with one of his own children) *and* also sat in many an HIV clinic with his ill partner and nursed him until he died. But he's gay and he has a gorgeous home so I guess he'll have to stay in the kitchen and strap on the fake-pregnancy belly.

Lee said...

I know! It's a ludicrous article of hers, it really is. She must a) be very shallow to think that people can't remotely imagine these things, or b) constrain her viewpoint into the national health service being the be-all-and-end-all of her legislations.

Jon said...

Is Lowri Turner even a 'fashion designer'?

She just seems to be one of those annoying that pop up on Richard & Judy on the days when they coudn't get anyone good.

Mr. Brian said...

People like her are clearly stupid. When they open their mouths, their ignorance speaks for itself. Not unlike the guy we affectionately call "Dumbya".

Jaclyn said...


Affectionately, Mr. Brian?

I think I'm going to be forced to start wearing a protective mouthpiece soon, to control the uncontrollable gritting of the teeth that seems to happen every time his stupid mug pops up somewhere.

But really, this one of yours over the pond...what a stupid (word that rhymes with swat).

CyberPete said...

I agree and would air my frustrations about this if it wasn't because I was went political the other day and don't want to get an overdose.

andrea said...

Let me be the first to congratulate you ~ YOU BIG FABULOUS WINNER YOU!

Dantallion said...

Actually, she makes a good point, Lee. I mean, I've never actually BEEN a woman, myself. But we all know that all they're preoccupied with is their ticking biological clocks, finding the right man, and watching Patrick Swayze 'chick flicks', so it goes without saying that they also would be poor candidates for running things. They could never understand the realities of the world. Only white anglo saxon heterosexual men could really be capable of understanding the woes of the world, and dealing with them, as history has proven to us time and time again. And before anybody jumps on me, it's nothing against women per se - some of my BEST FRIENDS are women.

*sigh* Mad cow disease strikes yet again. Stupid bovine.

The Lady Muck said...

I thought Lowri Turner was a twat before, I now this she should be banned. As to her comment about accident and emergency, how come she was at accident and emergency with her child in the first place....? BITCH.
And... breathe.

Kellycat said...

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Lowri "it's all about the family" Turner the one who walked out on her husband while she was pregnant with his child?

DIY SOS is much better without her anyway...

And she's got no neck.

Kellycat said...

BTW, I've met Molly Sugden. Surly dared me to ask her how her pussy was but I was too scared.

I meet all the top stars me. Ruth Madoc, Debbie McGee, Hannah Gordon...

Spinsterella said...

Oooh good stats there Kellycat.

I have no idea who Lowri "homewrecker" Turner is, but I did get all angry and self-righteous when I read this yesterday. (Substitute spinster for gay and I can even make it a personal attack)

Despite Not Having Children Or Ever Wanting Any, I have personally enjoyed the "sharp end" of the NHS, what with the debilitating rheumatic condition, the venereal disease (um, years ago, but still) and the propensity of friends and family members to occasionally have the odd serious accident.

Silly fuckin' stupid fuckin' slag, whoever she is..

tornwordo said...

That was truly loathesome reading that. But then I was so rewarded with the pore/dip line as I tumbled off my chair.

I do love you.

tornwordo said...

ahem, "that" meant the vile article referenced on "run the country".

Vampire Librarian said...

And yet, America is still more fucked up.

mainja said...

dan, it's so true. ;)

the bit that gets me (ha ha, she says as thought the whole thing didn't induce bile to rise and fill her mouth) is the comments about how that guy is too old to be bi. that some how being bi isn't valid. so, you know, it's okay to be gay (as long as you don't want to run the country), but bisexual, oh puh-lease, who could possibly condone that!?!?!?

mainja said...

in my fit of frustration at the whole thing i hit enter too quickly.

what i wanted to say is that it's a shame these dimwits are everywhere and not just limited to the states, or north america really, if i were to be honest...

Spike said...

Dear God. I had to have a little lie down after that Louis the Whatsit's flat.

we do run the country. You just don't know it yet.

Right on, sister!

Also, is the silly cow the only one on the planet to have not heard about the turkey baster boom?

Tickersoid said...

As a steel worker. I live in a culture which is outwardly male WASP hetrosexual.
We all know that statistically 1.5 people on my shift are gay. ( unless gay guys are not drawn to the industry )
Most people speculate it is me.

When I mention my occasional visits to gay clubs or direct my colleques to this blog, no one bats a short thin eye lash. Nor do they automatically think I'm definitely gay.

The truth as I see it is, no one actually gives a toss about politicians sexual practices.

It works like this;

Politician gets outed or engages in scandle.

We the public love to know the sordid details and snigger at their embarressment.

The press make a big hoo har about it because it sells papers.

What they don't seem to realise is, we aren't outraged, just amused and intregued.

Because the press are outraged the politicians panic and ask for resignations.

Meanwhile, we enjoy making jokes about him only having one member behind him or should he have stuck it out.
We superficially point the finger and tisk but, truth is, we don't really give a damn.

Enough soap box!

The pore/dip line really was priceless.

Oh, and some of my best friends are sheep but thats the Welsh valleys for you.

kyknoord said...

Maybe she's concerned about what will happen if you introduce stiff competition into the political arena. And speaking of competition, congrats on your well-deserved win on BoB.

Qenny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Qenny said...

Am I missing something? The gormless bitch makes the following claim:

Before I am accused of prejudice, I should say that not only are some of my best friends gay, but probably most of them are.

So, most of her best friends are gay, and yet none of them has ever given any thought to be being a parent? That's a bit of a surprise. Perhaps it's a reflection on how many friends Ms. Turner actually has. Perhaps we can conclude that she has a total of three friends of whom two are Gentlemen Who Can Vogue.

On a somewhat divergent note, loads of her best friends are gay. How many best friends does she have? Can you really count someone as one of your "best" friends if that group extends to more than a few?

Lee said...

Steelworker - oh well said, that man!

And thanks, all, for the thanks. You are adored.

Imogen said...

Never trust a wannabe journalist who can't apostrophise.
*grits teeth*
But exactly how bothered do we think she'll be by the lack of a decent haircut? I mean, its not as though she's been trying too hard up to now, is it?

Kellycat said...

Ahem.. talking of awards, are we not missing a speech and a bridesmaid's dress?

Lee said...

I'll get to it!

I'm still waiting for the dress to turn up - someone's getting dangerously close to having some poor feedback on their eBay account...

rhino75 said...

Exactly, I remember Lowri "the destitute man's Julie Burchill" Turner before she became a "fashion pundit" and was just a junior reporter on the Evening Standard. Not much about politics in those early rewrites of other people's TV criticism, was there luv? Stick with reading out received fashion "wisdom" and leave the deep stuff to the more fabulous, there's a pet.

Fuckkit said...

Want me to beat her up? I've spent all day trawling London for trousers large enough to accomodate my arse and I'm ready for fightin!

Tickersoid said...

Suppress your dander for a moment!!!

OK, Is your dander now completely flassid? Good, then I'll begin.

If you think about it, most gay men are unsuited to run the country. They are too involved with their own lives.

But then again, that's true of most people.

I may opine about certain issues down the pub, but I'm not going to get off my once cute, but now starting to sag badly, arse and actually do something about it.

Politicians who are Gentlemen who secretly adore cher ( but excluding those who just want her to sit on their face ) are ideally suited, by Lowri's argument, to run the countly.
Their wives are devistated by the news that their spouses have learned to suppress their gag reflex.
This is because their husbands have been down A & E when they forgot to take the bleach out of the cupboard under the sink.
They know both life styles, not just one like the rest of us.

It's not about sexual preference. They are qualified because they are politicians.
They actually give a damn enough to get out there and do something about local, national and international issues.

My main concern is what song I'm going to sing at karaoke next Saturday, not the effect of EU farm subsidies on global famin.

Louise said...

What in the fuck is this?

My gay friends have not sat in accident and emergency with a small child. They have not had to make the decision over whether to give them MMR. They have not struggled to get their child statemented or gone through the schools' appeals process. Without these experiences at the sharp end of our public services, they do not know how they function.

Do her 2 gay friends not have children? Well whoopty fucking hoo. Quite a few of *my* gay friends are parents, and have lived through the experience described above.


Spike said...

ROFL, Fuckkit.

Lee, you could always do it in the periscope parka with a doily mini-skirt. I know poeple who'd pay cash to see that.

c'lam said...

oh shit like this outrages me too much to be even to make a valid point on it.


epicurist said...

The damned twat. A few gay friends to call her own, does not make her a subject matter expert of society. Her ignorance is astounding. Does she truly believe all gays have no children or are immoral? I would love to see her next haircut.