Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Glitter For Brains at the Movies: Brokeback Mountain!

We go so you don't have to!

Surprisingly, we actually liked it! But clearly not as much as going up to the kiosk and asking for 'Bareback Mountain'. Damn functionary didn't even bat an eyelid as she handed over the tickets. Boo!

Anyway. On with the show! We present:


BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
Warning: Contains Spoilers!



HEATH LEDGER arrives into TOWN. He has a STOIC EXPRESSION on his face.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Yee-haw, parnder. You looking for work on yonder Brokeback Mountain?

HEATH LEDGER (stoically glancing under the brim of his hat):
Mumble mumble mumble.

THE AUDIENCE:
What? Can you hear a word he's saying? And what the hell is Jake doing Yosemite Sam?

ANG LEE:
You will not need to hear a word they are saying. My story - it is told purely by glancings. Here a glance to see love blooming like the flower. There a glance to show dreams cruelly crushed. Ha! Glancing!

So HEATH and JAKE GLANCE at each other for a WHOLE HALF HOUR.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Yee-haw.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

They LEAP on each other and have FILTHY BUM SEX.

THE AUDIENCE:
Did he just use spit as a lubricant?

THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE:
Oh god! How romantic!

THE GAYS IN THE AUDIENCE:
Oh god! How painful!

Meanwhile the GAY SEX continues into the NIGHT.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble mumble shunt.


EXT: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. THE NEXT MORNING.

HEATH WAKES UP with a STOIC EXPRESSION on his face. He leaves the TENT and saddles up his HORSE.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Uh, ah. Well. See you for supper?

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL (wincing):
Yeah, I sure is glad it's you on yonder horse and not me, pardner.

They GLANCE at each other. DAYS PASS.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Well. See ya.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.


EXT: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. DAY. MONTHS LATER.

RANDY QUAID:
You boys - I've been watching you and your homo-ee-rotic wrestlings and I've decided you're fired from looking after my sheep. For Gentlemen Who Can't Catch are not to be trusted, thus reinforcing Health's self-loathing for poking you up the Chocolate WhizzWay.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Goshdarnit. Well Heath, what about you and I go get ourselves a little ranch somewhere?

HEATH LEDGER:
MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE!

HEATH hits JAKE.

THE AUDIENCE:
Hmm. Well. We're not really comfortable with all this sudden turn into domestic violence.

ANG LEE:
Ho. Is merely a glancing blow! Ha! Ha! I kill myself. Really.

Time passes.
HEATH LEDGER gets married to MICHELLE WILLIAMS. He doesn't GLANCE at her much.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS:
Come on Heath, lets move into town. There's a lovely place above the laundrette. We could raise the kids all nice like away from this deliberately depressing-looking house.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS:
Oh yes. I'm sure we can find somewhere to store all your lovely baking equipment.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS:
Yes and the 12-inch remixes of Frankie Goes to Hollywood. And no I don't think it's strange at all.

There's a KNOCK at the DOOR.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Yee-haw li'ddle dawgie! Its been a few years, damn sure. We shall mark this passage of time by the length of our sideburns. Now lets kiss in plain view of your wife!

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble slurp gargle.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Now if you'll excuse us, Miss Michelle, we're off to do some fishing. In, uh, a motel room I booked.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS:
You can't fish in a motel room, you silly!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
No. But one of us can 'drop anchor in Poo Bay', if you get what I'm saying missy! Now you do some crying and stuff - you might get a Supporting Actress Oscar out of it.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS bursts into tears on cue to camera.

INT: HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Move in with me.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
I know you're a summer and I'm a winter, but surely we could find a colour scheme to get along with!

They GLANCE at each other for a VERY VERY LONG TIME.


INT: HOSPITAL. DAY. MANY MONTHS LATER.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Will you check my sideburns to see how long has passed?

ANNE HATHAWAY: (gets ruler)
I'd say about... ooh... two years...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Ah good. We're married and have a son then.

The Nurse brings a baby in and places it in ANNE HATHAWAY's arms. Right on cue, GRAHAM BECKELL turns up.

GRAHAM BECKELL:
Is that my grandson? Aww, look. He's the spit of me. Go get something out my car, Jake.

GRAHAM BECKELL throws his car keys at JAKE. Hilariously, JAKE doesn't CATCH them. This shows that under all this, he is a SCREAMING HOMOSEXUAL.


EXT: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. DAY. YEARS HAVE PASSED.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
You're never going to move in with me, are you?

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
I am not going to change the bathroom suite. It was a gift from my mother. I don't care if it clashes with your antimacassas.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Oh I can't take it anymore! I'm bailing from this film in case it becomes a stigma on my IMDB write-up. I'm off to do something desperately matcho, like a war-film... yeah! A testosterone-fueled Eye-rack-ay war film! Yee-haw!

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Oh it's alright for you. You're playing Casanova next. I mean, come on - the ultimate seducer of women? Gimme a break. I'm outta here!

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Look. Check the length of my mustache. This means it's the 1980s. All gay films of the 1980s mean that the gays have to end up miserable. So bye!

JAKE GYLENHAAL walks offscreen and DIES.

HEATH looks STOICALLY around. An EXPRESSION ALMOST crosses his FACE.

INT: JAKE'S PARENT'S HOUSE. DAY. DAYS LATER.

ROBERTA MAXWELL:
Our son would often talk about you. Would you like to see his room? We haven't changed it since he was a boy.

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

ROBERTA MAXWELL:
His room is first on the left.

HEATH climbs the stairs with a STOIC EXPRESSION on his face. He ENTERS the ROOM. Is it WHITE and FEATURELESS.

ROBERTA MAXWELL: (O/S)
...I mean second on the left.

HEATH opens the OTHER DOOR and almost hits his head on the MIRRORBALL. He takes in the CHER POSTERS and the collection of BARBIES. He accidentally steps BACKWARDS and nudges the RECORD PLAYER so it skips off THE MAMAS AND THE PAPAS and onto THE CARPENTERS.

HEATH STOICALLY looks around. He finds the JACKET JAKE was wearing when he PUNCHED HIM. It's still got BLOOD on it. He takes it DOWNSTAIRS.

ROBERTA MAXWELL:
You want that?

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble mumble.

ROBERTA MAXWELL:
Are you sure? It's absolutely covered in Jake Gylenhaal's blood and sweat!

HEATH LEDGER:
Mumble.

ROBERTA MAXWELL:
Sure. Take it. But just tell me what eBay is..?

THE END.


(For Ron Hilton)

24 comments:

Perry Neeham said...

Truely, truely fabulous *dabbing corner of eye with super soft tissue*

CyberPete said...

>No. But one of us can 'drop anchor in Poo Bay', if you get what I'm saying missy!<

Utter brilliance yet again Lee!

St. Dickeybird said...

I'd rather see your version.
And I love those euphemisms!!!!

c'lam said...

you captured heath perfectly.

Kirses said...

yep thats about how it went

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Such detail. You really are attentive. I've been looking forward to this for ages (well, since it came out) and you haven't let me down.

Most amusing!

The Lady Muck said...

I'm broken-back-hearted. *reaches for tissues*
SPIT? Ouch.

AndyT13 said...

Bravo! I was all atwitter waiting for that summary. I can't wait to never see it. Cheers!

GayProf said...

Clearly you really worked as an uncredited writer for this film.

surly girl said...

at the point where mumbling heath entered the "we've kept it just the same" blank featureless room, zanna (who i went to see it with) lapsed into uncontrollable giggles. i mean, it didn't take much effort, did it?

that aside, i would fuck jake gyllenhall in a heartbeat. moustache or no moustache.

ahem.

epicurist said...

Mumble GRUNT GRUNT mumble GRUNT.

Translation: "You are the Bees Knees!"

By the way, I too said Bareback Mountain when at the tik kiosk. She of course understood nothing, but the cackling gays behind me were obviously eavesdropping.

coolbuddha said...

Give the denouement away you insensitive bastard. Next you will be telling me the friggin ship sinks in Titanic. Or that Rose makes it to a second series.

Chig said...

I have just wet myself laughing. Thank goodness I saw it ten days ago. You didn't mention the baked beans though. A fart gag always goes down well.

j(aded) said...

I've been waiting for this one. And once again you have delivered. Snort.

Spike said...

Spot on!

Also, I'm still not seeing the hotness in Our Heath. Doe Eyes was way hotter.

Bloghungry said...

Bloody jackets are romantic. I'm getting my bf one this year for Valentine's day.

Tickersoid said...

Jessie James, Butch Cassidy, Roy Rogers. They sound like gentlmen who like to get into and pull on their chaps.

Fuckkit said...

Excellent. I shall email this to my missus so she'll stop attempting to make me watch it.

Rob said...

Excellent. I don't have to watch it now either!

Although obviously I want screencaptures from it - I just can't be bothered to sit through hours of mumbling.

tornwordo said...

Oh, thank you dear Lee. I've been ranting for weeks about the GLANCES and MUMBLING. I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard. You skipped the vomiting though, a prime opportunity for your endless wit.

Smooch!

Snooze said...

Movie reviews we can all rely on. You never disappoint.

Dantallion said...

No. But one of us can 'drop anchor in Poo Bay'

That's just so HOT. I hadn't realized just how brilliant this film really was!. Thank you, Lee.

Lubin said...

Lubin Odana GLANCES at Glitter for Brains.

Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble

Spinsterella said...

THE AUDIENCE:
Did he just use spit as a lubricant?

THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE:
Oh god! How romantic!

THE GAYS IN THE AUDIENCE:
Oh god! How painful!

THE STRAIGHT BUT SLIGHTLY FILTHY GIRLS* IN THE AUDIENCE (to one another)
If you ever want to borrow any lube, I've got gallons on stand by....

*Lovely Flatmate and me, that is