Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: The Day After Tomorrow!

We Go So You Don't Have To!

Another case of 'Glitter for Brains at the Video Shop'. Unfortunately this film was so bad that we had to have a poke at it. And that's not just Jake 'Doe-eyed' Gyllenhaal! So, without further ado, we present...

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT!
WARNING: Contains Spoilers!


The movie opens as we skim across the CGI GLACIERS, FOREBODING MUSIC booming.

THE AUDIENCE:
Uh-oh.

ROLAND EMMERICH:
What? Does my impressive CGI terrify you? Does my music simply grasp your heart in cold, clutching fear?

THE AUDIENCE:
Not as much as the words 'Written by Roland Emmerich', Produced by Roland Emmerich', and 'Directed by Roland Emmerich'.

Meanwhile, DENNIS QUAID is addressing the UNITED NATIONS OF EVERYTHING.

DENNIS QUAID:
...So. To reiterate. Fossil fuels are bad. Fossil fuels. Are. Bad.

STUPID POLITICIANS:
Look, we?re going to disagree. No reason other than to make you look good. Now get out with your half-baked theories pinched from a Whitley Strieber book!

DENNIS QUAID gets ejected from the CONFERENCE.

IAN HOLM:
I thought you were marvellous in there.

DENNIS QUAID:
Why thank you, Ian Holm. But why are you here?

IAN HOLM:
I'm not quite sure, actually. I think it's to add a bit of credence to this flimsy film.

ROLAND EMMERICH:
But we have a message! Fossil fuels are bad! Are you listening, audience? Are you?

THE AUDIENCE:
Ooh, look. We have those same coffee cups as Dennis Quaid.

IAN HOLM:
Anyway. I'll be in Scotland if you need me.

MEANWHILE, the world starts to FREEZE. TORNADOS wreak havoc. The SEA rises and swamps NEW YORK. Some CGI WOLVES escape from their pens, and head straight for the THIRD ACT.

CUT BACK TO:
IAN HOLM. Even he's surprised he's still in the SCRIPT.

IAN HOLM:
Er, gravitas, gravitas, Shakespearean foreboding. Cup of tea anyone?

CUT TO:

DENNIS QUAID:
I have to go and save my son!

THE AUDIENCE:
So the only scientist who knows what's going on is allowed to leave his post to go and find his son?

ROLAND EMMERICH:
Do you want us to spend the rest of the movie sitting in an office? Well? Do you?

THE AUDIENCE:
Er. No.

ROLAND EMMERICH:
Then shush. My vision is unfolding.

THE AUDIENCE:
But most of the north hemisphere is dead! Why on earth do we care for Dennis Quaid and his doe-eyed son?

ROLAND EMMERICH:
Fossil fuels bad. Family good.

Meanwhile in New York, JAKE GYLLENHAAL realises that the ANNOYING WOMAN FROM PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is dying from a cut on her leg.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
I think there'll be some penicillin on that boat over there!

THE AUDIENCE:
What boat?

ROLAND EMMERICH:
This boat!

And for no reason, a CGI RUSSIAN TANKER glides up FIFTH AVENUE.

THE AUDIENCE:
Ah. The SS Deus Ex Machina.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL:
Come, Comedy Sidekicks! We have a half-baked action sequence to do in order to prop up the limping third act!

So they go and SWING from the GANTRIES and halls of the tanker, just as the CGI WOLVES turn up. Predictable hilarity ensues.

THE AUDIENCE:
Run! Run Jake Gyllenhaal! Run like someone's just spit on their hand behind you!

JAKE RUNS.

For what seems like an eternity, we now follow DENNIS QUAID trekking from DC to New York.

DENNIS'S COMEDY SIDEKICK #1:
Hey, you don't think I wouldn't come with you, did you? I've been going on expeditions with you for what seems like forever!

THE AUDIENCE:
Well, that's his death warrant freshly inked.

Indeed, DENNIS'S COMEDY SIDEKICK #1 falls through the snow into a MALL. We now follow DENNIS and COMEDY SIDEKICK #2 in what feels like REAL TIME.

DAYS PASS. Suddenly, the storm stops for no reason, just as DENNIS QUAID finds JAKE in the LIBRARY.

STUPID POLITICIANS:
And in wrapping up, we admit we were wrong all the time.

CUT TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION:

ASTRONAUT:
Well, will you look at that. The sky's never been clearer.

THE AUDIENCE (SARCASTICALLY):
There's something we're meant to get from this.

ROLAND SIGHS, and uses a HUGE LASER on top of the Space Station to carve out 'FOSSIL FUELS ARE BAD!' over the top of ASIA.

The End.

19 comments:

Brad Fitt said...

I have to admit that this is one of my favourite films of last year, I even put it on my christmas wish list. Did you notice how tidy the medicine cabinet was for a tanker that had been thrown into New York on a HUGE wave. Not one bottle had toppled.

kyknoord said...

"...gravitas, gravitas, Shakespearean foreboding. Cup of tea anyone?..." 'Choking Hazard', yes indeedy!

ViVi said...

THE AUDIENCE:
Ah. The SS Deus Ex Machina.


Funniest. Line. Ever. Honestly laughed out loud!! :)

Perry Neeham said...

Damn! I copied 'SS Deus Ex Machina' while chortling at the script intending to post it here and now I see that Vivi's beaten me to it.

St. Dickeybird said...

I like your version better.
My concern with the film was that they're in Manhattan, and are worried about 20' of snow. Ummm, New York has hundreds of towers. Climb the f'ing stairs!

Dantallion said...

I actually saw this film. I like your screenplay better - it offers more depth than the original.

Tickersoid said...

It's much quicker to read your posts than to watch Jonathan Ross on 'Film 2006', and we get a lot more 'R'se.

Lee said...

I've got lovely pert R'se, you know.

First Nations said...

*cracking up* all it lacked was a kung-fu scene. yes indeedy.

Eden said...

I totally read Lee instead of enduring two hours of crap.

BTW: I liked The Good Girl, also starring JakeG. Would you consider a review?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

There's so many funny lines in your delightful version that I couldn't decide which one to quote. But then realised this one covers them all:

"Predictable hilarity ensues."

Of course you knew I'd laugh. Laugh my ruddy head off and look like a twit while I'm supposed to be working!

* Runs off after Jakey * Come back! It's not spit. Promise.

Jemima said...

So these fossil fuels, could you clarify the film's viewpoint, please? I'm a little confused.

My throat hurts I laughed so hard.

morgalou said...

And don't forget the little electric car.

Bless him, Dennis Q may be a rubbish father and unable to keep his houseplants alive, but he drives an electric car & is therefore A Good Person.

Especially as he's driving it, like, waaaaay before the Prius & the G-Wiz became, like, totally cool with, like, a huuuge waiting list. And so before Charlize Theron got one. So, yeah. The environment's, like, important. Y'know?

Fuckkit said...

No, sorry, no quite grasping the moral of this one. Run that by me again...?

Vampire Librarian said...

What I loved was everyone had to go to Mexico in the end and it became US' 51st state, at least that's what it seemed like. Europe, Asia, Russia, Austrailia were all wiped off the map, and Africa and South America didn't exist. Seriously, I haven't seen it in a while, but did they show any environmental impact happening in Africa or South America? I'm thinking they didn't even exist.

Rob said...

Run! Run Jake Gyllenhaal! Run like someone's just spit on their hand behind you!

Cola. Nose. Keyboard.

That's all I'm saying.

MQ said...

Right so this version is actually funnier than the one on "The Editing Room". You rock!

But can someone please explain "Deus ex machina" to me?

...oh hang on, just checked wikipedia. It's OK. I understand now.

AndyT13 said...

::applause::
Brilliance! Sheer brilliance! Bravo Lee!

It is the question said...

Now perhaps you could do one for Independence Day...

And then perhaps The Core...

Oh the list goes on.