Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Mind And Body And Stuff

Yoga! Ancient form of muscle relaxation and exercise, or fifteen lycra-clad self-proclaimed 'enlightened' secretaries hoofing about on gym mats, counting down the minutes to their one glass of Wolfblass in All Bar One?

Who cares! For it was my first exciting lesson this week, down in the concrete bunker of a gym I seem to be spending too much time in of late. It's all very exciting. And we're in safe hands, as our teacher wears orange sportswear, so is clearly a Bhuddist fetish gay.

Well, when he first turned up, I thought 'hello.' A fellow Gentleman Who Moisturises. He met my eye line, and we did the noncommittal nod of recognition between those who ride the Rainbow Bus. And then we began.

Now. I have no balance. I found this out when I tried to be a ballerina princess when I was four, smashing a coffee table. And later when I was ice-skating, pretending to be Torville and Dean. And reaffirmed to my horror during that almost fatal tryout for the cheerleading squad. Hideous, hideous time. Apparently Sarah Carnott still wears a built-up shoe. Nor did they ever get those pop-poms down from the emergency light. They hung there, like desiccated insect cocoons, for the whole final years of my time there. Mortifying.

Anyway, back to the mat, present day. Trying to balance. Wavering like I was fifteen pints down, stumbling about like a sun-stroked tramp. The mary teacher sidled up to me as I sighed and reset my position for the fifteenth time.

"Not too good at this one. Don't worry," he cooed. "It'll come in practice. Trust me."

"Besides," he added after a pause. "We're about to put our legs over our heads now. I bet you're brilliant at that."

Cheeky mare.

13 comments:

Imogen said...

First it's a psychics group, now it's a yoga one- what's going on, Lee?
I can't even begin to imagine why someone would want to do that to themselves! Amaze me.

CyberPete said...

I've got the Geri Yoga dvds. Tried it once, it was a laugh but it turned out doing it was less of a laugh than just watching.

Lee said...

> First it's a psychics group, now it's a yoga one- what's going on, Lee?

I'm going to be an airy-fairy fairy. :)

GayProf said...

Our teacher wears orange sportswear

Oooh -- I hope this isn't what it seems.

Sorry, you can't reach nirvana in orange spandex. No, you just can't.

Jaclyn said...

"Nor did they ever get those pop-poms down from the emergency light. They hung there, like desiccated insect cocoons, for the whole final years of my time there. Mortifying."

Just when I think you can't top yourself. You top yourself.

TomN said...

As a former Aerobics Instructor who Moisturizes, I was constantly impressed with the ability of the guys in my class to lie on their backs and pull their legs way, way up, nearly touching their knees to the floor. Such flexibility! We always got a good laugh over it.

The Lady Muck said...

Be thankful he didn't say 'downward facing dog', that, methinks would sting somewhat ;-)

epicurist said...

Ahhh, Doing the Downward Dog is a position I love. Yoga does the body good, as well as cute instructors. ;-p

First Nations said...

so.
is he right?

Kellycat said...

>Cheeky mare.

Notice you didn't disagree with him though...

Lee said...

> so. is he right?

I take the fifth.

> Notice you didn't disagree with him though...

You lot know me too well. Damn it.

:)

tornwordo said...

So funny, and the insolence! Cheeky indeed.

Chris said...

All of my male yoga teachers have been distinctly asexual, but seem to love making comments like ?feel the hardness? and ?spread your buttock crease? .