Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Never Forget A Face

So I bumped into an ex the other day walking down Old Compton Street.

Which in all fairness, is as easy as hitting an autistic at a Star Trek convention, but this one was special. He looked like a pop star, was rich (rich!) beyond my wildest dreams, and lived up to the pre-publicity in the sack too. Oh I was completely besotted. Drew hearts and practiced writing my married signature. I even sent a note to the post office: 'Dear postal functionaries. I have found a gentleman who looks like J from the popular band 5ive to nail. Please forward all mail c/o his left leg. This is what I shall be clinging to for the foreseeable future'.

Come to think of it now, I never got their reply. Typical post service.

Anyway, I saw him walking towards me after all this time, causing me to draw a quick intake of breath. Which was unfortunate as I was eating a Star Bar at the time and almost got a nut lodged down the back of my windpipe. He didn't clock as he wasn't wearing his glasses (vain bastard) and wouldn't notice me until I was about ten yards away.

What to do? What to do?

It's alright, I'd just had my hair teased by my Teutonic hairdresser Iris, and was looking as pretty as a princess. So should I say hi, see how he is, and bask in the glory of him noticing I'd lost three stone since we last met?

Fifteen yards.

And what do you say in these situations? 'Hi, remember me? We almost crashed your car when you mistook something else entirely for the gear-stick?'

Thirteen yards.

Or. 'Ah, you! You look good. Remember me? We used to knock around about six years back. When you were still obsessed with Evita and made us watch the DVD every other night. And - fer fuck's sake - it was the Madonna version!'

Eleven yards.

Or 'Hi. Remember me? I very much doubt it. I was the guy under you when you used to call your ex's name when we had sex. And while I never did meet this Steve guy, I'll be sure to pass on your regards - and the tissues we used to wipe up afterwards while you were still clearly thinking about him.'

Nine yards.

He looked up and saw me. Clearly his eyesight is getting worse with age, though he fixed me a look with those eyes the colour of the Mediterranean sea. I swallowed, and fixed a quizzical look of 'Hmm, I'm sure I know you from somewhere, but at the moment it's quite escaped me' and sauntered past, turning up my iPod as I did.


ViVi said...

And that, my dear, is why I do love you so. MWAH!!

Kellycat said...

Let's pray that when he next sees Steve, Steve walks right past him.

Weren't you just slightly tempted to trip him over? Or even better faux-trip yourself and accidentally-on-purpose get Star bar down his shirt?

p.s. have I mentioned that my Ex now has a fat wife?

Qenny said...

Best possible outcome, I'm sure. Otherwise there's the danger of it being not just the nuts from the star bar that end up down your throat.

Besides, three stone lighter, and with freshly zchuzched riah - would your own mother recognise you, let alone a myopic ex-shag?

Jon said...

Evita?! How Gay is that! He sounds a total loser that you're better off without my dear!!

*hides Evita DVD and takes off home-made 'Balcony Scene' costume...*

Inexplicable DeVice said...


There's nothing like not recognising an ex.

Stupid gits.

tornwordo said...

good for you! The Madonna Evita, shudder.

Fuckkit said...

Beautifully executed m'dear ;)

Jaclyn said...

I envy your grace. Sadly, none of that particular talent has shown itself in my genetic code as of yet, especially when it comes to old flings.


Lippy said...

Damn you're good! Why aren't I that good, I'm older than you and everything? *g*

Adam said...

bumping into an ex whilst in Old Compton Street? Blimey! What were the chances of that? Oh, hang on, pretty good, i'm guessing? ;)

CyberPete said...

Fabulous! I'm in awe

Anonymous said...

Hmm, a situation best left avoided. And brilliantly averted at that. You ooze class dearie, well done ;-)

Cezi said...

Lee, you?re just amazing!!! I know it took a lot of strength to avoid him like that?but I?m sure he was going through the same agony :) I can just hear him thinking, ?God? I miss that hair!!?

GayProf said...

He may have feigned not recognizing you, but we all know that it is ?Lee, Lee? that he now shouts in bed.

Tickersoid said...

Good story. I always say hi. I'm convinced they still miss me.

Spinsterella said...

But you missed the opportunity to show off just how wonderful your life is today - without him.

(Obviously, when I'm blethering on about my fabulous, exciting life, I make it all up.)

First Nations said...

well done!

GreatSheElephant said...

what they all said

Spike said...