Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, March 27, 2006

New Celebrity Friend

Every now and again, they do let me near celebrities.

So there I was, standing in the green room in a sunny part of America when in walked an actress I'd admired for years. How marvellous! A chance to make a new friend! And thus began the elegant dance around the room in order to position myself next to her; a whirl of 'Hello!'s and 'Don't you look fabulous!' until I was beside to my personality of choice.

Now. Celebrities are like goody-bags at fund-raiser functions. It's always nice to take one home, but you have to be careful of getting a duff one that only got some face-cream and an advertisement for the local kennel club. Now this charming lady, although being upper c-list, was enchanting and a little shy, and as she picked apart a donut with her fingers I fully resolved at that point to make her my New Best Friend and do her hair immediately. We'd go for lattes and pedicures! And I'd finally get to the bottom of the scandalous chitchat going around the location that she was carrying the baby of a fellow actor. Oh she'd apparently been getting a regular length off him for some time. In fact the only reason he was here on this production was she was employed first and they'd twisted his arm into coming. I'm sure it wasn't completely mercenary on her part into ensuring this happened, but you should have seen the size of her trailer. And I admire that kind of manipulation in a woman. We were going to get on famously!

So as I tipped my head to one side and curled my gorgeous locks around one finger in an effort to appear glam yet attentive. She smiled and went on a little more about what she was up to, giving me a chance to have a sly look at her bump. I inwardly whistled. She looked about three months gone and would have to announce soon anyway. And being her New Best Friend meant I would be first in line to be the Fairy Godmother for their little b/c-list offspring!

She interrupted my taffeta-filled daydream of skipping through parks with their lovely child by saying she was off for a smoke.

"Oh!" I said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you really sure you should be... you know. In your condition."

She tilted her exquisite head. "What do you mean?"

"Being pregnant."

She drew in breath through her teeth. "I'm not, actually."

Ah. Oh. Fuck.

20 comments:

kyknoord said...

Now that's the kind of thing she needs to hear if she ever wants to get off the C-list. You were being a true friend to her and she didn't even realise it. What a bitch.

Eden said...

Bwahahaha! I'm dying to know who this was. Shall I curl my hair around my finger and ask nicely? "I admire that kind of manipulation in a woman" after all ;)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I expect this is the reason why it's only every now and then that you're allowed near celebrities?

Miss Mish said...

Well you could have offered to do the duty yourself if said actor was not... er....up for the job.
It would be a small price to pay. You could pretend it was a Cher Drag Queen!

Imogen said...

Follow it through with,
"you mean your not [insert name of beautiful pregnant celeb here]!?"

That's what I did anyway, last time my pregnancy-o-meter got caught out in Mothercare..

CyberPete said...

It's not our favorite Geri girl is it? I always suspected she wasn't really pregnant

Jemima said...

Well I hope you followed it up with advice on a good diet/exercise regime.

James Huctwith. said...

Oooohhhhhhhhh noooooooooo!!!
I feel your pain.

Dantallion said...

Brilliant.

(Let me guess - it was Roseanne, right?)

AndyT13 said...

Ah, see? Now that's just fabulous darling! Apparently you've forgotten that the one and only time it's permissable to even SUGGEST a woman is pregnant is when you actually SEE the baby leaving her vagina. Tsk. Cheeky git!

First Nations said...

*cracking up helplessly*

GayProf said...

Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Just a stab at it.

Fuckkit said...

You should have given her a pitying look and handed her a copy of Dr Atkins book.

Kellycat said...

I shall now be reading the celeb mags avidly to see who's just launched their new wheat-free diet to combat bloating....

p.s. that was almost as painful as when I outed my Northern Irish GBF...

The Lady Muck said...

Whoops. Mirth.
WHO WAS IT?

kim said...

We all knew she had it in her.

tornwordo said...

Woopsie! I hope you hid after that.

Cezi said...

Oh my?I been there done that!!!Well, not that embarrassing! I?m glad you didn?t take her home if she was that big around:)

Qenny said...

If she has any sense, she'll realise that you grabbed the bullock by the bollock and at least asked her outright, whereas everyone else was just whispering it behind her (distended) back. That would make you a true friend in my book.

CyberPete said...

Are you pregnant qenny? ;o)