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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Objects In The Rear View Mirror...

The official version reads that I lost my virginity two days before my sister's 16th birthday party. He wore this terrible Lynx deodorant, which was forgiven in hindsight because I was wearing Mickey Mouse boxer shorts. And I yelled "Well, bang goes my virginity!" when we'd finished.

How very romantic.

We did go out for a while, before I dumped him over the phone while flicking through a porn catalogue in my landlord's bedroom. I remember him calling me a cunt for doing it over the telephone and that there was a special on cock-rings with your first order. The luminous one caught my eye, and I did have to agree with him. I'd ended it for no real reason other than it wasn't going anywhere. And that he was rather too fond of rock opera - you know the Jim Steinman epics that you have to pity the drummer on. Think Animal from the Muppets. Or an epileptic, and someone's flicking the studio lights on and off.

You could always tell when he was feeling frisky, as out would come 'Bat Out Of Hell', or on more troubling occasions, a mix-tape of Jim Steinman's Bonnie Tyler songs. Of which there are about four, but we all know that 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' lasts for around thirteen years anyway and so it was still possible to get your moneys worth in the bedroom. Up until that point I'd loved Bonnie Tyler. She sounded like she used car battery acid for mouthwash. And when she finished a song, had put so much effort in that she spent the next hour coughing up blood into a bar-towel.

And so he liked to punch the air when the chorus kicked in, just as Bonnie was dry retching. Actually, he liked to punch the air a lot. During climax and watching Star Trek IV. And as we all know, I take a very dim view of enthusiasm at the best of times.

A straw - though not the final one, was certainly in the last bale - came when he tried it on during the Steinman classic 'Dead Ringer For Love'. Now I know what I like, and I know I don't like touching boys parts whilst listening to Cher. Cher is for clapping along to. Cher is for impersonating whenever you buy a new mop. Cher is many things, but not the perfect seduction music.

He apparently had a nervous breakdown after I left him. I doubt that the two things are really related, but it's a good claim to have. Like me being Bonnie Tyler's love child.

Although I can't back that up at all.

16 comments:

savante said...

Somehow our first times always read as horrible.

Paul

Jaclyn said...

Really? Not even "Gypsies,Tramps, and Thieves" ?

Shocking.

Lee said...

Gasp! ESPECIALLY not Gypsies Tramps and Thieves!

The Lady Muck said...

Be thankful it wasn't Meatloaf *shudders*

The Lady Muck said...

In the lovemaking, I mean. Or was it? Really, I'm suprised you didn't have a nervous breakdown. You should sue. LOL

GayProf said...

The loss of your virginity made a "bang" noise? What the hell were you two doing?

Kellycat said...

I lost my virginity to somebody who'd been to see Neds Atomic Dustbin 10 times.

He was an art student then. He's an accountant with a fat wife now.

Spinsterella said...

I saw Bonnie Tyler last year - she was brilliant.

When I'm a haggard old spinster I plan to bleach my hair and wear tight jeans and pointy boots and too much make up All THE TIME.

I can't wait.

Spike said...

Crap shag music choices is a perfectly good reason for dumping anyone. Thank fuck mine was too frightened to play Laura Fucking Brannigan during the introductory limbo lesson.

Spinsterella, I read that as when you're a haggard old spincter. (Might be time for that trip to the optometrist.) But even if you were the bleach-n-boots looks would still go down a treat.

CyberPete said...

> You could always tell when he was feeling frisky, as out would come 'Bat Out Of Hell'

I always thought it was Bad Out Of Hell, you live and learn.

Lady Muck, you are right Meatloaf is ghastly!

tornwordo said...

Love the Bonnie and Cher descriptions. I'm sure it wasn't you that drove the troubled lad insane.

Will said...

Ah, Dead Ringer for Love. Last time I heard that was ages ago at Duckie. I seem to remember being more excited than, in retrospect, it deserved.

There are worse things to have on in the background than rock opera. Doctor Who, for one...

Qenny said...

Jim Steinman? Bat Out Of Hell? Punching the air? I hope one day this guy does himself a favour and comes out a straight!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I have to agree with qenny. He certainly sounds the type.

If you find yourself craving a glass of Duracell juice, I think you can safely say that yes, you are Bonnie Tyler's love child.

First Nations said...

oh no. no no no. pikers the lot of you.
lost mine to a background of Alan Motherfuckin Watts blithering on and on and on and on and on and on about Zen Motherfuckin Buddhism. thats a branch of buddhism you don't often hear about; yes, i know. I'd rather have hit myself in the forehead with a shoe about fifty times.

Imogen said...

Ah, my background noise was the ice cream van on the street outside my bedroom window- it probably doesn't say much for the whole experience that I spent most of the time wondering if there was any icecream in the house.
:)
But wasn't everyone's first time generally rubbish?