Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Rubbish Place Names

See, one of my problems is I don't pay attention. It's fairly true to say I'm not exactly the brightest sequin on the cocktail dress.

Actually, my real problem is I can't put my hair in bunches and toss them around while swinging my Dora The Explorer lunchbox as I skip, but in the interim I'm just going to complain about my inability to retain details.

For example, my hometown is a place called Brownhills. We're a simple folk from North, far too busy dying of tuberculosis and poverty to name things like 'Ashby de la Zouch'. So some lowly peasant saw a couple of hills that happened to be brown and - ta-da! - a crime-riddled market town was born.

Wisely, they have put a bypass around it, as there's nothing there bar a Kwik-Save and a tire store. And now, as you leave on this new speedway, you get an enormous sign saying 'Hints. Please drive carefully'.

Now, see, I had my head firmly implanted in Men's Health magazine (I buy it for the gardening tips) and thought that it was nice that they were doing this, if a little pandering-to-the-stupids. I mean saying it was a hint implied there was a trick to it all. Whatever would the next one be - 'Hints: Don't wear blue and green'? 'Hints: the woman in The Crying Game is not who she appears to be...'


Turned out that the next town along is actually called 'Hints'.

Now THAT, I think you'll find, is a truly cock-awful rubbish place name.


Snooze said...

That is a lame name for a town.

Tickersoid said...

Down this end of the M4 motorway, I sometimes find myself in an 'alpha' state of mind. You know the auto pilot condition that you 'wake' up from and think 'where am I and where am I going?'
In such a state, I find myself looking at road signs uncomprehendingly. It's not until I've run into the back of a Toyota Land Cruiser that I realise the sign is in Welsh.
Hint- Press the right hand peddle to go faster.
Not the brightest sequin etc, I'll have to use that one at work.

Mr Kenneth said...

I always imagine some great triffid lumbering across the road when I see the Heavy Plant Crossing signs and always think I see vans full of shoplifters, when in fact they are in fact, merely innocent fitters of shops.

Incidentally, why the American spelling of tyre? It's in this blog 3 times now, so I'm finding it hard not to comment. I thought Brownhills was in Staffordshire?

Concrete X said...

I keep telling him about his US spellings. It's bad enough that I have to read Gregory Maguire's Wicked and Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events where the British publishers are too damn lazy to run their pound-stirling-sign filled eyes over the manuscripts to remember to add an extra L to 'reveled', 'levelled', etc, without one of the best blogs on the net...grumble grumble grumble old codgerlyness, etc, etc.

And my straight work colleague thinks there needs to be more sequins on the site. I have to say that he could be right.

Just Call Me Fabulous said...

You can never go wrong with more sequins...or rhinestones...or glitter. Basically anything that sparkles is cool with me.

Jaclyn said...

"It's fairly true to say I'm not exactly the brightest sequin on the cocktail dress."

*Is now climbing back into her chair and cursing at the coffee stains on her pretty pink shirt*

Dantallion said...

Actually, if you want cock-awful, try:
Cockermouth (West Lake District).

Nob End (Bolton) is a close second, a position it shares with Slackbottom (Yorkshire) (which sounds like its *ahem* been around for a while.) You'd think that Brown Willy (Cornwall) would be nearby, but it's not.)

I believe Three Cocks (Wales) has some sort of bi-lateral arrangement with Horneyman (Kent), however.

Personally, I'd like to have an address in Lower Piddle on the Marsh (Gloucestershire), just so I could label my mail that way.

Perry Neeham said...

Have you tried extensions (for your main problem)?

Douglas Adams (of Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy Fame) wrote a fab little book called the meaning of Liff. It basically ascribes under used place names to things in life for which there is no word.

My favourite is PELUTHO (n.)
A South American ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall with a stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.

The Lady Muck said...

May I recommend, if you're feeling abit cheeky and low-brow, check it out.
Was going to make a joke out of brown hills but I couldn't muster the wit...

The Lady Muck said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vampire Librarian said...

In Georgia, U.S. there's a small town called Between. It's like Geographic Existential Angst.

There's also Hell, Michigan. "Now Entering Hell"...

Vesper said...

There's a real-life town in the states somewhere called Blue Balls....

It's Amish or something...

LJC said...

My office just finished a Dora the Explorer interactive DVD... We sent the company that had comissioned us to do the job a Doa pinata.

(Nothing quite like beating Dora to death [in effigy] in the car park, to let off steam, apparently. Also, when she breaks open, candy falls out.)

In other news, I wished you could have come to Gallifrey One. I feel as if I got to meet everyone BUT you.

CyberPete said...

I came across something like this while in London: 'Next station is Cockfoster please mind the gap between the train and the platform'

I giggled for a good 30 minutes after that.

Spaceminx said...

Dantallion said 'Nob End'

I live very near there. Very near.

In other useless trivia... In my previous job I found alot of very silly street names including;

Cock Clod Lane
Mough Lane
Cockledicks Road
Mincing Lane
Barff Road

Trashbinder said...

Oh my god, you seem FAR too fabulous to be remotely connected to Brownhills. The market is by far the worst place to be on the planet on a Saturday afternoon.

I was born in Burntwood, which isn't much better quite frankly.