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Monday, March 13, 2006

Smoky Eyes 'Cross A Crowded Reception

I'm an old flirt at heart, really.

And I've got a killer smile in the right light. That being mostly dark, at forty paces with my back to you, but you get the idea.

So, for almost the last two years I've been going to the same gym, day in, day out. And upon the door is this charming blonde girl who's quite dishy if one were into that sort of thing. You see, for a Gentleman Who Knows Showtunes, we take a more holistic view of such beauty and tag these things to being rather akin to Macs and PCs - you admire the design, but the chances are that when it comes down to it your equipment is not even remotely compatible.

So each day when I go there, she'd give me this charming little smile, and I'd flash the old gnashers at her in a coquettish manner, looking through hooded eyes - eyes you'd probably see across a smoky gentleman's club before getting a little note saying 'Room 316 - yours Count van der Qulate' or somesuch. And then Gym Girl would turn with a sly smirk, swipe my card and hand it back with an almost embarrassed-to-meet-your-gaze look about her.

So sweet! This was Our Thing. We did it every day for the past year and a half.

And in that time I never once spoke to her bar a cheery 'hello' at the start of our little routine, and a wink as I sailed through the steel gates of fitness freedom at the end. But this week, I want to join the yoga class that's happening, so I bounded up with my cheeky smile firmly in place. This is how the conversation went:

"Hi, I'd like to join the yoga class. Do I need to do any trial sessions first?"

"No, that's fine," she said, wiping a stray hair away. "All you have to do is put your name down on a Tuesday and we'll reserve you a place."

"As simple as that? Alright. Tuesday?"

"Yes, Tuesday. You are a member of this gym, aren't you?"

I blinked, almost physically wounded. Did she..? Was she..? Almost two years! We had Our Thing! I was utterly downtrodden!

I tell you. Women. I'm glad when I travel, it's up the Chocolate Motorway with a Gentleman Driver, because you lot are just confusing.

19 comments:

Concrete X said...

I wonder if she has her own blog?

"Saturday: that Gentleman Who Could Have Danced All Night, Could Have Danced All Night, And Still Have Danced Some More hands over his swipe card, gives me his cheesy beardy grin (heaven alone knows what he'd been eating, I tremble to think, dear Reader). I smile politely, but in two years the fucker's not said One Word to me. He'll get short shrift if he ever tries to strike up a conversation.

Monday: Hahahahahaha! All Teeth And Beard wants to join the yoga class..."

kyknoord said...

Well, she IS blonde... not that I'm colourist or anything.

MQ said...

For two years you've been saying "hello" to her, and today you start off with "hi" instead.

That's bound to put anyone off the scent.

So to speak.

Qenny said...

I reckon she was disguising her true feelings for fear that she might launch herself over the desk and jump your bones screaming "Fill me with your little babies".

CyberPete said...

I bet she knew exactly who you were, but you not really saying anything but hello she just thought you'll get yours Henry Higgins.
And today you did. Brilliant!

phlegmfatale said...

Maybe she's a Stepford receptionist. Maybe she's been stringing you along all this time, not really being into guys...

Jemima said...

I'd go with the 'she was concealing her feelings'. Probably to protect herself from inevitable disappointment.

Hit the nail on the head though. Women are a confusing bunch of creatures, I can't fathom them at all, and I've been one for ages.

First Nations said...

i have just joined the 'don't read GFB and drink coffee simultaneously' club. it was the mac analogy. warn a person!

Tickersoid said...

Ha Ha, Good story.

True story.
Remenising with an ex lover-

Me- "Do you remember the time we made love on some guys lawn at midnight, it 4 inches of snow?"
Her- "No."

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I'm going to go with the popular opinion that she's fancied you for two years, but possibly being a little blind, hadn't realised you were, in fact, a poof.

Then your melodious and mellifluous voice told her everything she didn't want to hear and she promptly turned into Miss Mardy Pants.

You are a silly sausage, Lee. Leading these poor young ladies on... : )

Dantallion said...

I'll go with the theory that she's dumber than a box of hair.

Fuckkit said...

Nearly weed myself laughing at Concrete X's comment :D

tornwordo said...

Can I laugh about All teeth and beard? 'Twas quite funny that one. Women, confusing? I'll say.

Snooze said...

did it traumatize you so much that you are now turned off yoga?

Mr Kenneth said...

Report it to the authorities! In films when people get these unexpectedly distant reactions from people they thought they knew, it's because the people have been abducted and replaced by alien clones or some such. In films, they ignore these unexpected reactions only to find themselves in peril later. Report it to the authorities I say! And if they don't believe you, tug on her hair a few times to try and dislodge a control panel or some internal workings with lots of flashing LEDs.

St. Dickeybird said...

Ouch!

mainja said...

geeze lee, can't you tell? she's playing hard to get! harumph. some men. double harumph.

;)

The Lady Muck said...

You know, having worked for a year in an upmarket-ish Birghton tanning salon, after the first few embarrasing wonky gaydar moments, us girls in places where we see a lot of flirty, good looking gentlemen-who-are-good-with-colours, we become immune... So as not to get our hearts broken you see.

So it's a big compliment, see?
Aren't I clever...

Lee said...

You are. I'm going to have to watch you, Lady Muck...