Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

An Audience With Avant Niplette

As we're having a bit of a week talking about the ungentlemanly act of Filthy BumSex, I'm reminded of a eye-opening conversation I had with a brilliantly unconvincing drag queen, oh, years back. When I was a mere strip of a lad, freshly out, and drinking cider - as one does when one is a cheapskate student ingénue. He'd taken a bit of a shine to me, and told me a tale of toe-curling horror I thought I'd pass it on to you, the ordinary folk, as a special Easter treat.

So picture the scene: the formica-tabled joy of Leicester's only nightclub. They were playing Whigfield (they still do) and I'd just come back from the bar with half a cider for me, and a glass of wine for him. Off we go!

"Oh. Your glass has lipstick on it. Shall I take it back?"

"Darling, it's mine," he wheezed. "I tell you, once you start using the slap, you'll never go back." He suddenly got intense. "Do you know I'm really seventy-five under all this foundation."

I gagged slightly on my cider. Up close, he was the same texture as elephant hide. That had been creosoted. I wondered if Rimmel deliberately did a foundation called 'Terracotta Rooftop'.

"Wrong hole, " I coughed, beaming in what I hoped was an innocent manner.

"Oh you remind me of a young squaddie I once had. Grin like a searchlight. Ah, those were the days."

"What on earth were you doing in the army?"

He laughed like the starting of a chainsaw. "Oh I wasn't in all of them darling. Just that one. I'd been invited onto the base by an ex of mine - ha! Don't let them tell you there's no gays in the army. Teeming, I tell you. He never had so much sex in his life."


"Well, except the time he was in prison. Talk about banged up!" He laughed so hard I thought he was going to cough up a lung. He flicked ash of the end of his ciggie and placed his hand over mine. "But anyway, this squaddie. No more than nineteen. I was doing my act in the mess hall, and he wouldn't stop smiling at me."

"But you were doing your act. Surely..?"

"I said smiling. Not laughing. There's a difference."


"Anyway I finished - to rapturous applause, naturally - and went back to my dressing room. And blow me, if I didn't get a knock at the door ten minutes later. There he was, standing in his army fatigues, looking up at me through his fringe."

"Looking up?"

"I was still in my stilettos."

"So what did you do?"

"I kept them on, of course!"

"I meant with the squaddie!"

He harrumphed. "Well, I let him in. And I tell you, I have never met a man so willing to be buggered. Dropped his trousers there and then and bent over the sink in the corner, begging me to do him right away. Now, this was well before the days of HIV and all that, so I just grabbed the nearest thing to lubricant I could find. I ended up leaning over and whacking a dollop of my make-up remover up his crack!"


"Oh yes. So there I was, easing my way into him. And he starts screaming - screaming! - like a banshee. Bear in mind we're still next to the mess hall, so I'm telling him to be quiet, but he's screaming and screaming, and I'm thinking "I'm not that big..." but he's insisting that it hurts really bad and I should take it out."

He swigged his wine, smiling to himself. I poked him in the side to break his reverie. "And..?"

"Well, I took it out and there was blood everywhere. The poor lad was cut to ribbons."

"Oh my god! How?"

"I figured it out after he'd grabbed his trousers and hobbled out the door. You see, every night I took off my make-up with that one tub of cream, and each night, a good portion of glitter and sequins came with it..!"

"Oh my god!"

"Yes, there I'd been, banging backwards and forwards with sequins. It was like a cheese grater had been up there!"

And if you're not sitting with your sphincter clenched now, you're obviously completely without passion, or baggier than a refuse sack down there.

Don't have nightmares.


Qenny said...

Gives a whole new meaning to taking someone up the Gary Glitter.

First Nations said...

*snif* that was beautiful, man..

Gaymosexual said...

It's like the story of the Lady who went to her Gynacologist (or Dowstairs dentist as I like to call them) and used some deodorant to 'refresh' herself, but unwittingly picked up her daughters glitter spray instead!

mainja said...

hey! don't knock cider! strongbow is a staple for me.

the point of the story was cider wasn't it? ;)

tornwordo said...

Howling with laughter! Thank you and bless you for this.

Rob said...

I just know you've been working on this anecdote for years.

But I still clenched.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I don't think I'll be able to walk upstairs now.




Frank said...

We all need a jaded old drag queen in our lives. *sigh* Sadly, I'm still waiting for mine.

Great story, Lee!

Qenny said...

Hey, frank, not to worry. If you wait for long enough and a jaded old drag queen hasn't lit up your life, you can always become one yourself. It's better to give than receive. (I guess that why I'm a top :-)

Lee, I love this story, but have to ask - is it for real, or is it another example of your creative genius at work?

Vampire Librarian said...

It doesn't happen often, but this story makes me happy to be a girl.

Marco Valente said...

Omfg! That poor boy was probably afriad for the rest of his life!!

Snooze said...

Oh. Ouch. Glamorous, but ouch.

AndyT13 said...

Nice! That's a good one Lee.

Miss Cellania said...

Doesn't matter, I'm a girl and I'm still clenching. Probably will have nightmares, too. Hee!

Fuckkit said...


Cezi said...

Have a happy Easter Lee:)

Logan said...

Oh mah Ghod!

That guy could fart sparkles!

Spike said...

Fucking brilliant.

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dantallion said...

I wanted to type out the sound my sphincter made as it slammed tightly shut, but I couldn't figure out how to spell it.

Liz said...


You know, I am a girl (uh, duh) and I love glitter but this has just gone that nano second further than looking glam whilst doing the any hole!

Lee said...

Ha! Bless you all.

Quenny asked:
> Lee, I love this story, but have to ask - is it for real, or is it another example of your creative genius at work?

It's completely and utterly true. It's one of my favourite annecdotes, but for some reason, I don't get a chance to trot it out at dinner parties much. :)

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