Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

GLITTER FOR BRAINS AT THE MOVIES: FAILURE TO LAUNCH!

We go so you don't have to!

A film starring our gay pin-up heroes Justin Bartha and Bradley Cooper? In topless scenes? Well, we don't care if we have to sit through the average antics of Matthew McConaughey and face-like-a-foot Sarah Jessica Parker to get it, book us in!

We actually quite enjoyed this, by the way. But for those single lady readers who can't wait to get this on DVD and eat chocolate cake while bemoaning all men, here - without further ado - is...


FAILURE TO LAUNCH: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT!


CUT TO: PARAMOUNT OFFICES.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
So, like, dude. I really wanna do a romantic comedy or something. Raise my profile and shit. Get away from those rumours about how much dope I do. And bongos.

TOM DEY:
Well, I'm directing a film with the perfect role for you! A thirty something guy - well, we'll do something about your skin with good lighting - who won't leave home. Brilliant! So how will you play the part, do you think?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Oh, like I've just smoked fifteen doobies, each the size of a baguette. Hey, wanna toke, man?

TOM DEY:
No thank you. Action!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY falls backwards off his chair, mumbling about Mars Bars.


RUN KOOKY, PASTEL ROM-COM TITLES!


TERRY BRADSHAW:
My son's 35 and he still hasn't left home.

Enter MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, topless.

THE AUDIENCE:
(mutters) 35? Yeah right. Round the neck he's 35.

Kathy Bates:
I know. We'll hire someone to emotionally manipulate him to leave our house! Then we can suggest that we'll be having lots of Old People Sex! Oh, warm up the KY, Terry!

Cut to: A LEATHER SOFA STORE. Enter SARAH JESSICA PARKER.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Hey. Matthew McConaughey. I don't normally sleep with a man on the first date, but for you I'll make an exception.

THE AUDIENCE:
Are we meant to love her because she's easy? Or delight in the idea that sex with her would be like trying to put up a three-sticked tee-pee in a high wind?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Hell, I'd sleep with me on the first date. For I am a man. And that is what men want!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
How romantic! Lets go to dinner.

THE AUDIENCE:
My god. It's the oldest teenagers in town.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Hey! You lot! We're young, hip swingers!

THE AUDIENCE:
The only thing swinging about you is your neck, love. Your skin looks like an old saddlebag.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY engage in more FLIRTY BANTER. Then they sit back in their LEATHER RECLINERS, almost post-coital.

THE AUDIENCE:
Well, that's just great. They're the same colour as the leather. All we can see are two beaming grins like conceited Cheshire Cats.

TOM DEY:
Uh-oh. All this girly-swirly romance shtick is going to put off the men who were dragged to this date movie. Quickly! Cue the two comedy macho friends and the mountain-biking!

BRADLEY COOPER:
Duuuuuuuude!

JUSTIN BARTHA:
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

They then eat FRIES together in the manner of VERY HETEROSEXUAL MEN IN MOVIES and laugh a lot with their MOUTHS OPEN.

THE AUDIENCE:
Is Matthew McConaughey stoned? Oh, we're not going to get him answering the door naked playing bongos again are we?

THE GAYS IN THE AUDIENCE:
...

MEANWHILE:

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Honey, I'm home!

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Hi roomy! In case you'd forgotten since you went to work this morning, I'm here to provide a moody, stereotypical sounding-board to you, Sarah Jessica Parker. The audience is meant to slyly hate me and thus adore you.

THE AUDIENCE:
We can't! You're too loveable and well-drawn! You even make a sub-plot about a bird outside your window keeping you awake endearing!

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Hate me!

THE AUDIENCE:
Um. Hey, how about we all hate Sarah Jessica Parker instead?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER looks up from her NOSE-BAG and STAMPS HER HOOF in protest.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Anyway. Have you predictably fallen for one of your clients yet?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Oh yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
(deadpan) Geez, Sarah. You're really good at showing us 'inner turmoil' aren't you?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Oh, but he's so dreamy...

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Well, you'd better sort all this out before he finds out his parents hired you.

THE AUDIENCE:
...Like a cheap hooker?

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Like a cheap hooker.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
I can't. Anyway, drink some more of that Moet that's clearly product placement.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Pop!

CUT TO: SARAH JESSICA PARKER and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY on another DATE.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
...naw, if I was going to buy another boat it would be a wooden one. A good, solid wooden one.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
How romantic. So you can feel nature beneath you?

THE AUDIENCE:
(under breath) He wants something to match his acting.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Uh. Um. I'm not sure. I think I only mentioned it so we have something set up for the final scene

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
OK. So, uh, I have something to tell you...

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Shh! If this is about you being a plant by my parents, you can't say anything! I have to find out from my macho comedy friends, ditch you, and then resolve everything by the final reel to show that we love each other!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Oh. Right. How long will that take.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Right about... Now!

CUT TO: BRADLEY COOPER and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY playing MANLY BASKETBALL. MANFULLY.

BRADLEY COOPER:
Dude, your girl is being paid to be your girlfriend by your parents so you'll move out of the house!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Shit, man. That's so uncool.

CUT TO:

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
You done?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
Yeah. All done. You're dumped.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
But I've decided I love you!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY slams the DOOR in her face. Or where her FACE would be if it didn't already look like it had been FLATTENED by the back side of a SPADE.

Cut to: SARAH JESSICA PARKER's flat.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
I'm leaving. Sniff. In an ironic turn of events, I'm going back home to live with my parents.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
You do realise I'm rolling my eyes at you. Besides, I'm now having sex with Justin Bartha, one of Matthew McConaughey's geeky macho friends!

THE AUDIENCE:
Yay Zooey! A believable romance at last!

TOM DEY:
(through megaphone) Zooey Deschanel. Put the movie down. You are not walking away with the movie.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Fine! I'm going!

Exit SARAH JESSICA PARKER.

CUT TO: EVERY ONE OF THE SCENE-STEALING SUPPORTING CAST around a TABLE.

KATHY BATES:
Well, clearly they love each other.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
If only there was a way we could resolve this in an unmemorable manner...

JUSTIN BARTHA:
...and get them onto that boat, as foretold halfway through the movie!

BRADLEY COOPER:
Why not just lock them in a room until they sort it out?

TERRY BRADSHAW:
Hell, that's lazy writing. Who in god's name would believe that? There's got to be another idea.

SILENCE FOR A WHILE.

KATHY BATES:
Alright then, we'll go with that!

So they lock SARAH JESSICA PARKER and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY in a room. And they TALK. And it is RESOLVED QUICKLY and UNMEMORABLE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Finally we can do the boat scene!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
(smoking like a chimney) Duuuuuude...

THE AUDIENCE:
Yeah yeah. Anyway, cut back to Zooey and Justin! More interesting!

ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Sarah. I'm sorry the audience loved me more than you. Um, would you like a carrot?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Neigh.

THE END.

18 comments:

Mamluke said...

Thank you so much for that - I was never going to see the movie -saved me the time and I laughed heartily :-)

ViVi said...

Re: HorseFace

I love you, Lee!

Love,
Vivi

Qenny said...

> face-like-a-foot Sarah Jessica Parker

I am SO glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that!

And thank you, Lee, I now know exactly where to send my husband if he ever dares suggest getting this particular chick flick out at the video shop.

CyberPete said...

Excellent! The description of SJP is dead on.

Matthew is hot though, I'd definately play the bongos with him... naked but that goes without saying

morgalou said...

Lee, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate Glitter for Brains at the movies.

You have saved me veritable pounds, and have allowed me to spend hours - which might have been wasted watching Tom Cruise - in a much more productive manner. Doing something like filing my toenails or giving our cat a bath.

And as for SJP, quite frankly, she's nothing without Big.

tornwordo said...

Yes, you should be making tidy sums of money from some global magazine for your reviews!

Best line: Or delight in the idea that sex with her would be like trying to put up a three-sticked tee-pee in a high wind?

So right on.

AndyT13 said...

True enough! YOU SHOULD be doing these movie reviews professionally. The shit's better than Dave Barry. :-)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You should do this every week - not this particular film, of course, for that would just get slightly tedious - I love Glitter For Brains At The Movies!

Face-like-a-foot SJP: Marvellous. I know a couple of others have already commented the same things but I can't be arsed to think of something different. I laughed heartily and thought of these before I read the comments.

Justin Bartha sounds nice. Just off to Google him...

First Nations said...

FINALLY someone who agrees that SJP looks like a dented bucket with lipstick. i adore you RECKLESSLY, lee. i do.
MMcC however is lickably luscious. in fact, if you lick him enough you'll cop a buzz. fact.

Snooze said...

Add me to the Lee love fest. Great review and glad to read from your review and the commenters that I'm not the only one who doesn't find SJP attractive.

Spike said...

I read three-sticked tee-pee as three-dicked pee-pee. An image that may stay with me for some time.

Cyberpete & First Nations: Matthew is hot though and lickably luscious

No way! Well...just maybe with a paperbag.

Rob said...

Do you know, I have no idea who over half of the cast are.

And yet I don't feel I'm in any way missing out.

Jemima said...

Now I know she's getting on a bit, but cut the girl, ahem, old woman some slack. She has a lovely impish face, sparkly eyes, with a roomy nose (that is actually a compliment in my eyes), and charmingly tousled hair. A lovely combination of oversize facial features. Hurray for SJP. Boo all the people who acted her off the screen.

Can I add my voice to the throng clamouring for more 'at the movies'. Makes pop culture so much easier to digest.

Perry Neeham said...

Lee, these reviews just keep getting better and better. I'm being serious (and probably boring). I feel mean not paying to read them.

jvs: You must be kidding, SJP has a face that launched a thousand dredgers and deserves much, Much worse than this.

Adam said...

there's not one of you bitches wouldn't swap places with the old leathery-necked foot-face faster than you can whinny "sugarlump". That nosebag is luis vuitton you know...

Lee said...

What, so we could do porky Matthew Broderick?

I think not, baby puppy.

mysfit said...

FABU!

i especailly liked:
TOM DEY:
(through megaphone) Zooey Deschanel. Put the movie down. You are not walking away with the movie.


thank you

Kate said...

Well, your blog is very interesting. This may be not related to the main topic but I'd like to inform that you can view many photos of singles in your area at http://top-personals.net. This is a real swingers site. Adult Singles