Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Meeting Kate Mulgrew #2

Part One here.

I have a friend called Paul Vyse. You'd like him. He's a complete tour de force, and doesn't seem to enter a room without you imagining dry ice and a pneumatic lift out of the stage. It's all about the show, he'd say. Eyes and teeth. Eyes and teeth.

There has been so many times that channelling Paul Vyse has got me out of some very sticky situations. Job appraisals. Dealing with stalkers. Although such channelling has also got me into several sticky situations, but thankfully there was a cloth to hand and a calming glass of vodka after. And for tonight, for the attempted meeting with Kate Mulgrew, I was going to need every ounce of help.

By now, I'd manage to stagger to the bar, my eyes blinkered on the goal of getting a round in for Tim and myself. After that was territory as unknown as a ladies privates. I was now standing next to Kate. The fact alone was making me shake like I had Parkinson's. And there was she was chatting away to her co-star of the night with her back to me.

I had in my mind a plan. Kate was nearly at the end of her big glass of wine. I would buy her a new one along with the round I had for Tim and myself, we'd get chatting, she'd become my new best friend and we'd go on picnics together and throw expensive sandwiches at the proles. Just one glass of white wine would win her over, yes.

"Can I help you sir?" asked the barman.

"A Coke and a vodka," I stammered, completely chickening out and blowing it. Fuck-fuck-fuck, I cursed under my breath.

"Anything else, sir?"

I could feel my jaw seizing up. "Yes. A large glass of white wine," I said through clenched teeth.

It's all about the show. Deep breath, large smile. Eyes and teeth. And action!

"Darling, you looked a little dry so I got you a refill," I said, wheeling around and handing the glass to Kate.

Ignore the look of shock and just get on with it.

"I have to say it's by way of a thank you. You were both marvellous this evening."

"Why that's very kind of you," said Kate Mulgrew.

That voice! That gravel-toned voice. I was being addressed by that voice that could cut marble at thirty paces.

"And I just have to add-"

...that I have a signed photo of you on my desk I fought for weeks for on eBay. I've been doing impressions of you every time I go near a cheese counter. I once wrote a musical about you called 'In The Janeway', where you had a major showpiece singing 'Mad About The Borg'.

"-I really hope I don't get you drunk. These really are large glasses, aren't they?"

"Yes they are," said her companion. Henry someone. He was headlining with her apparently. I recognised him from an advert. "Do you work here?"

Uh-oh. Dangerous territory. "No, I don't."

"Ah, I just thought I'd seen you around here before. You look very familiar."

Goodness, sir. Are you flirting with me?

"Oh no," I laughed. "I've just been stalking around here!"

No-one found that funny but me.

"So, thank you again, and it's lovely to see you in London, Kate. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time here."

"Thank you."

And I smiled and went back to my seat.

Tim was there, looking impressed. My head was hammering, and I could feel a vein trying to escape on my forehead.

"What did you say?"

"I can't remember!" I blurted. "I think it went OK. She seemed nice."

"Is she drinking her wine?"

"I don't know! I can't turn around and look. I'd look like a stalker!"

"But you are," said Tim, puzzled. Good point there.

"She's not drinking it," said Tim, craning over my shoulder. "I think she's about to leave."

And I didn't care. I had met Kate Mulgrew.

"I think you scared her off."

I didn't care. I had met Kate Mulgrew.

"Oh Tim, it's all downhill from now. Buying my first house. By some miracle of science having my first child. Hey!" I said, noting Tim's look. "Tom Cruise can, so I can too."

There was a moment's quiet. "Turkey baster," we said together.

"She's definitely going. And she hasn't touched your wine."

"Ungrateful cow!" I turned around to check. And just after she pecked her co-star on the cheek, she picked up her bag and gestured to the door. For some reason, I felt slightly hollow.

Then she picked up the wine, chugged it back, laid the empty glass on the bar, and left.

Tim and I were slack-jawed. "Did she..?" he asked.

"Oh yes." I stood up to watch her exit, a silent standing ovation. "And that's why I love her."


Mark said...


Inexplicable DeVice said...

I was captivated! I even gasped silently and put my hand over my mouth at your audaciousness at the bar.

How tiny is she? She may have a voice that a cement mixer would be proud of but does she seem small or does she have a commanding presence?

If only she'd air kissed you goodbye...

* mwah *

AndyT13 said...

Well, despite my earlier complaint of you leaving us hanging before I must was "Well done!" dear boy.
By the way I hate to tell you this but alas there ARE calories in vodka. *snif* Even the low octane stuff has about 65 per shot. Sure that's half what watery american beer is but I'm sure 12 shots of vodka would kill me. Not so 12 beers. Alas. And for reference:

Dolly said...

Well done - that takes guts!

Brad Fitt said...

Henry Goodman, VERY big theatre luvvie darling.

Loved the story, x

tornwordo said...

Yay, now I love her even more. Gosh I love your stories.

the cloned corpse of marcus tal said...

Dear Lee

You have a very manly moustache

Kind Regards

morgalou said...

Yay! Go Lee! Well done, you.

Jemima said...

I thought maybe it was Henry Winkler. He was in an advert.

I'm soooo glad you spoke to her. Not doing it would've haunted you to the grave. And it gave me a few cheap laughs.

Tim said...

I still think you should've stood behind her and shouted "RED ALERT!" in her ear.

I bet she would've loved that.

Qenny said...

A lovely story, so very well told. Lee, you're a darling. Hopefully someone will alert Kate to this post, she'll drop you an email, and those picnics will become fact rather than fantasy.

Pam said...

I am jealous.

First Nations said...

have i told you lately that i adore you recklessly, lee?
i do.
damn, you did it! and she drank it! and, damn!!!

Frank said...

FABulous! That took guts, Lee, guts I know I personally would never have. I'd probably faint if a Trek actor came near me. I like your moxie, kid.

I'm with qenny, someone needs to send this post to her agent or something. She'll be singing "Mad About The Borg" in no time!

Snooze said...

That was such an endearingly geeky move. I'm glad that she drank the wine.

Nick said...

I am SO jealous!

My ex bumped into the cast of Next Generation at The Ivy a couple of years ago (all bar Gates McFadden apparently) whilst they were doing promotional stuff for Star Trek Nemesis - he called me on his phone and left it on the table so I could hear him chatting to Marina Sirtis... and he took a sneaky pic of Patrick Stewart...

But I would have traded his experience for yours in a flash... NOBODY beats Janeway!

Bob said...

Long before Janeway or Mrs. Columbo, she was Mary Ryan on the NY-based (and filmed) soap "Ryan's Hope". We have loved her ever since.

Will said...

Well done, sir. She truly is the best captain.

Did you know that the Region 1 complete third season Columbo DVD comes with an episode of Mrs Columbo as an extra feature?

Lee said...

You're kidding me!

Quick! To the Amazon!

Vampire Librarian said...

Lovely story, Lee. I think Kate would be amused by it as well.

Spike said...

What JVS said.

Eden said...

*squeeeee* Now THAT is a story! I love it!

Da Nator said...

Wonderful story - kudos for being ballsy.

Reminds me of when I first went to see The Exonerated with the wife. She went mainly because Lee Tergesen was in it, and he'd had fake gay prison sex with Christopher Meloni, thus making him irresistable. 2 years later, she's switched her career to working in prison reform. Couldn't she just have bought him a glass of wine?

Spaceminx said...

I gawked at La Mulgrew today. From a distance, mind.

Holly Bernice Cox said...

Didn't you ever really want to send Chakotay a copy of "Crimson Tide"?