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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Mohammed Coming To The Mounting

Those who know me know I have no shame. No, as the crowned beauty queen Miss Walsall 1987, 1988 and - thanks to the electrolysis - 1989 doesn't allow himself any such emotion.

But situations arose where I would have to nip out and buy some condoms. Something that in this day and age we should be positively encouraged to do, yet I - we - can often turn into stuttering wrecks of nervousness when coming up against a Teutonic fishwife on the supermarket till. Why is that? Is it just with this purchase you're clearly announcing to the world 'I AM WANTING TO BE HAVING THE SEX WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT!' A sudden insight into someone's private life, no more revealing than a ready-cook meal for one and a copy of Men's Health in the bottom of the basket, surely.

I told myself I was being silly, so I relaxed, and shuffling forward in the queue, kicking my basket onward with a deliberately nonchalant air. Slightly calmed by hiding the offending articles under a bag of spinach leaf salad. On the till tonight was a fabulous black woman; a proper good time gal, all painted talons and hair so high it was in danger of strangling the air conditioning. All good. I bet she'd know all about a man's needs. Even if she twigs they are with another man. Fine choice of queue, Binding. Well done.

Although... she was saying goodbye to each of her customers with a cheery "Enjoy your weekend!" Oh ye gods and little fishes, she's going to get to the bottom of my basket, find one-hundred weight of sexual equipment for the gays, and have to say 'Enjoy your weekend!' But the context will be 'Oh, you will be having a good weekend, won't you sir? Sodomy left, right and centre, I'd say.'

Suddenly I'm nervous again. Her benailed hand reached into my basket, and the first thing she plucks out was the KY Jelly lubricant. She examined it with a curiosity like she's just dug it out of a Mexican archaeological dig. What was she thinking? Then came the sly look under her fringe at me as she brought out the box of condoms.

Enjoy your weekend, indeed.

"Mohammed! Mohammed!" she squealed, every last syllable as piercing as her talons. "We have a shoplifter!"

I froze, completely taken off guard. A robust gentleman the size of a shed was running towards me with a speedy gait I thought uncommon for gentleman of his stature. What to do, what to do?! It's true that I thought, momentarily, about stuffing the box of Durex up my jumper to avoid all the Dance of the Checkout Operator, but had thought better of it. Also I hadn't done my hair, so this was no time for mug shots.

"I... uh..."

Perhaps I had stuffed them up my jumper and had clean forgot.

In front of me, Mohammed lept in the air like a panther, log-like arms wide to embrace. And landed... landed... on a man standing behind me.

"He was trying to steal a joint of meat!" caterwaulled my checkout operator. "Check his trousers! Check his trousers!" And indeed, a huge portion of meat was pulled out of his tracksuit bottoms. Make your own joke there.

But! While all this was going on, I managed to swipe my card and load up my shopping. I was free! Free of embarrassing looks in that dead period when you've handed over your cash card and trying not to make eye contact until you have it back. I hastily counted my blessings - a shoplifting incident, just as I was trying to buy the third most embarrassing items in the supermarket. The Gods had smiled on me, and I was grateful. I smiled at her, against a backdrop of Mohammed wrestling the poor skinny shoplifter to the ground.

"Enjoy your weekend," she called after me with an even tone to her voice.

Damn.

17 comments:

CyberPete said...

Fabulous! I can't help but think poor Mohammed.

But don't they have self checkout? I loved that. I was queen of self checkout at Tesco across the Whitley centre.

CyberPete said...

Or well Mohammeds victim even

Snooze said...

I would have completely frozen. Now, tell us more about how you put your purchase to use.

Qenny said...

"Mohammed! Mohammed!" she squealed, every last syllable as piercing as her talons. "We have a shoplifter!"

At which point, Lee leans forward and says "I think you'll find that's _shirt_ lifter".

Lippy said...

Ah - I spent my formative years selling condoms in my dad's chemists shop. It marked me for life let me tell you!

tornwordo said...

That's a great ending my friend. And I adore your use of the word "benailed".

Reluctant Nomad said...

When did they start calling FL's (french letters) condoms? It seems to have happened rather suddenly but I can't remember when.

My wife's middle intials are FL - her English lecturer who went on to become a Nobel literature prize winner took great delight in having her exam results printed showing her name and those initials whereas no one else's middle initials were ever printed.

Gaymosexual said...

Darling you actually go into a STORE and BUY the blighters? ACn't you just grab a handful from your local bar/club/sauna/coffee shop these days like us normal queers?

And a SUPERMARKET? Oh no no no, I always had you pegged as an order online kind of boy, specially requesting the cute delivery man. You know, the one with the burly forearms.

Vampire Librarian said...

You wrote, "As I was trying to buy the third most embarrassing items in the supermarket."

Do you mean third most embarrassing item (as in condoms)? If so what are the top two?

If you meant your three purchaces were the most embarrassing items, how is a bag of spinach leaf salad embarrassing? The possible teeth hazard?

Inquiring minds want to know! Or at least this vampire does.

Spike said...

What Snooze said and give that Quenny a prize for Best Comments Joke.

Lee said...

Clint! 'Darling you actually go into a STORE and BUY the blighters?'

It was an emergency. We forgot that we'd used the rest as party balloons to scare the cat the other week. Grin.

Vampire! 'Do you mean third most embarrassing item (as in condoms)? If so what are the top two?'

#2 Clarified Butter. Nothing says 'I'm a screaming homothexual, come over and check out my scatter cushions!' like that.

And #1 is Heat Magazine. Cause it's shit.

Spike! 'give Quenny a prize for Best Comments Joke.'

Oh yes. Although I'm seriously considering deleting it. None of you are allowed to be funnier than I am. Get it?!

:)

kyknoord said...

"We have a shoplifter!"
"Well I do work out, but that's a bit beyond me"

Qenny said...

I'm sorry. It was too good to resist. I thought you had set it up in a moment of comedy magnanimity for one of us humble readers to rise to your masterfully baited line.

*bow*

*scrape*

Fuckkit said...

Thought of you this morning at the gym. Madonna music video marathon on MTV Hits. Lasted significantly longer than the Girls Aloud marathon of yesterday.

Mark said...

I did work experience at Boots the Chemist when I was 16. They stuck me on the pharmacy counter near the condoms. On my first day a very well to do lady came up to me and asked for a packet of Joy Rides. I rifled through the packets of Arousers and Black Shadows blushing furiously. I smiled apologetically and explained we didn't stock them. She hissed at me, "They are a travel sickness tablet!"
Condom shame...

First Nations said...

this scenario presents distinct mind-fuck possibilities. go back every week to the same check out girl. make eye contact. smile. call her by name. and present your purchases:
(by week)
1.grape jelly and exam gloves
2.vegetable shortening and fruit rollups
3. chunky peanut butter and a chermoya
4. 2lb pork liver and a t.v.guide (home alone weekend)
5.15 boxes of Knorr gelatin, duct tape and a carton of sanitary napkins.

oh, such zany humor laughings you will be!

Pam said...

Pah. Someone got to the shirtlifter comment before me.