Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A New Plaything. At Last.

We'd been watching him out of the corner of our eye all night, casting rather odd looks. The fly in our fabulous fairy fragrance. And after seven pints, he came over.

"Now, I'm not gay, like," he said.

"I'm glad to hear it," I interjected. "Mucky, mucky business."

He seemed thrown for a second. "But I thought you and... you and he... were, you know..."

I looked over to where he was pointing. The Wife was holding court, or more correctly, the ample bosom of a friend of ours. We Gentlemen Who Know Showtunes do tend to appreciate a lady who comes with her own airbags. And there he was, jubbling away like a kid in a ball-pool.

"Oh him. Yes. We're at it like knives."

He screwed up his face a bit as he swayed on the spot, clearly revolted. It passed and he leaned forward, breathing the Breath of a Thousand Pints.

"See, now. I have to ask. Just how does it work with you and him? And the stubble?"

"Well, it's more li-"

"I'm not gay, of course," he said, leaning his hand on my arm to reiterate the point. He left it there for a moment, before he realised he was touching A Gay. Then his arm shot back like a cut snake.

I harrumphed. "Anyway, the stubble. It's more like velco, really..." I said.

That clearly amused him.

"Ah yes. We're quite funny. The gays. Of which you aren't one."

"I'm not gay," he recapped.

"Clearly." I said. "For one, your hair looks like it's been done by the council."

Now. We'll let you heterosexuals into a bit of a secret. If you keep reiterating that you're neither Good With Colours, Listening or Catching, the chances are you're trying too hard to prove it to yourself as much as everyone else in earshot. We all know this. It's the ones who are completely comfortable around Gentlemen Who Moisturise that are well and truly on the Hetty Bus.

"So you're not gay," said the Wife in silken tones, joining us from off-stage.

He shook his head, which almost made him fall over.

"Not even one little experience?"

He though for a second. "Well, there was this one time..."

"Do go on."

"Uh, um, when I was seventeen, I did snog a male Doctor Who fan... But I'm not gay."

"Of course you're not, Cleopatra," said the Wife.

"But what if I told you that's how I started?" I said.

We left him looking visibly aghast.


kyknoord said...

Egypt certainly is pleasant this time of year, isn't it? And you've been quoted again.

Qenny said...

Hang on. Is there a dirty little secret here? Lee, you are a male Doctor Who fan, are you not? Were you the man who confused this poor young fellow, attempting to pervert him from the way of goodness and straightery and turn him into a bum-worshipping cock-slave?

I don't know which I find the more amusing: the "I'm not gay" ones, or the ones that try to be more subtle by avoiding the blatant "I'm not gay", but make frequent reference to their girlfriend, wife, or other vaginally endowed partner.

Lee said...

Kynoord - I do adore you.

And Quenny - I never touched him. Nor would. He had skin like an old bible.

Jemima said...

Like the time my friend (she was very drunk to be fair) slurred her way around a gathering telling complete strangers she wasn't a lesbian, then finished off by telling me what she wanted to do to me. (I am a lady.) She didn't seem to find any contradiction in her behaviour. I just smiled. The offer was acceptable. She'll come to her senses in time.

Jaclyn said...

Oh my GOD I wish you could have met this latest one I went out with!

HIM: "I'm not gay or anything, but I am jealous of all the different kinds of shoes you women get to wear. I love those. Totally hot."

ME: "....................."

Hetty bus, hahahahahaha!!!

tornwordo said...

Skin like an old bible! lolol, And such playful cruelty, I love it.

Pashmina said...

I bring bad news from Planet Matty Fox (by way of Holy Moly, so the usual bucketload of sodium required). Apparently he:

"'doesn't want to be near' a magazine like Attitude"

As HM puts it:
"It was good enough for Heath Ledger you twat."

However, given the subject matter of this post, maybe all is not yet Lost (d'you see what I did there?).

Adam said...

there's a lesbian in my office who is amazingly successful with straight girls. Apparently they don't feel the need to protest that they're "not gay" so I guess that shows there's less stigma attached to an experimental sip from the fur-lined cup than a try-out on the pink oboe...

Miss Cellania said...

This is a great site! I found it through You guys are delightful. And you've got some NICE pictures.

Spinsterella said...


I popped over to tell you about boring old low-browed smug twat Matthew Fox, but the lovely Pashmina has beaten me to it...

Didn't we tell you that Sawyer was much better???

Inexplicable DeVice said...

"For one, your hair looks like it's been done by the council." I must, must, MUST remember this one for the knuckle draggers at work!

Thank you.

And I have to agree with Spinsterella: Sawyer is BY FAR better tha Dr Jack or what ever his name is...

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Obviously, there was supposed to be an "n" in there somewhere. It must have slipped down the back of the hard drive.

Spike said...

I'm with Device. your hair looks like it's been done by the council is one of the Great Insults of All Time.

Sawyer is cute enough if you like Wounded Criminal Puppy Dog Face (WCPDF) and Dr Jack if you like Anxiety Guy but Said/Sayeed/whatever is totally fuckable. The final ep better have him and Dr Anxiety and Kate and WCPDF in a hot and sweaty 4-way.