Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Unfortunate Moments of My Life #3196

While we Gentlemen Who Can't Catch tend to push out the SS Moisturiser boat daily, nary is it more all-hands-on-deck for when we have dates, dinner or a job interview.

Now, as I haven't been on a date since Joan Rivers had her original face (think Medusa with less manageable hair) this alarming tale I reluctantly spew is regarding a job interview I had not long back. It all started with a power cut in my office. Tired of sitting there in the darkness with nothing to do, and a glut of secretaries screaming as one of the managers took advantage of the gloom to start goosing them, I thought 'Well! I'm not going to be missed. Why not skip over the road and have a quick suntan?'

And I do love those tanning booths. They're like sci-fi survival capsules. And they play music so loud that you can dance around in it and pretend you're Olivia Newton-John just before she comes out of the floor in the glittering finale of Xanadu. Although that's probably just me.

Twelve minutes later, I skip back to the office with a rosy, healthy glow. Still no power at my glorious desk (I'd recently fitted it out like a Bedouin tent so as to throw the cleaner) so trotted over the road to the gym. Full work out there, and then - then - came my horrible downfall.

'I know what'd help even more!' I thought, with typical not-thinking-it-through head on. 'I'll just nip in for a quick sauna. That'd really help make me look young and attractive!'

Well, dear viewers. It doesn't do that. It doesn't do that at all. For the sauna strips your skin of any moisture it has. And with a fabulous fan working its way out, that was precious little moisture in there at all.

In short, I came out with skin drier than Dame Judi Dench's ladygarden.

In fact, you know the colour of Madonna's hotpants in the Hung Up video? Oh, who am I kidding, you all know the colour of Madonna's hotpants in the Hung Up video otherwise you wouldn't be here. Well, I was that colour. A very vivid puce.

And with a job interview but hours away. What to do?!

A frantic trip to the chemist ensued. Make-up wasn't working - I looked like I had been base-coating a burns victim. And wearing a burgundy shirt to try and detract didn't work as I just looked like I was naked from the waist down. The only result was to lie horribly. So when I met this lovely lady in a place I really wouldn't have minded working, we had a jolly old chat, a nice time, and near the end, I casually dropped in that my hay fever was really playing up and causing an allergic reaction and turning my skin a colour you only really get for touching up London Busses.

"Strange," she said, leaning in close. "When you look carefully, you can see the rings where you were wearing those little stick-on shades in the tanning booth."

I went bright red.

Well, moreso.

And for some reason, I didn't get the job.


Qenny said...

Xanadu! I'm entertaining visions of you in the white cowgirl outfit. That might have drawn attention from the skintone.

Nasty, nasty interviewer, completely blind to the fact that you had made such an effort. Shame on her!

Sam said...

Xanadu, Xanadu!! :)

now that i'm here now that you're near in Xanadu.

gotta love olivia!

Evan said...



mainja said...

but you did get a good story to tell the blog world. and really, which is worth more?

Eden said...

Nothing bad ever happens to a blogger. Everything is material.

tornwordo said...

Aw, you should've gotten the job. Poor thing.

CyberPete said...

Madonnas hotpants. ACK! I wasn't paying that much attention but I thought she only wore that dreadful leotard. Not that I care to relive the horror to watch it again.

Tim said...

Why are you still using a tanning booth? Ronseal is nine quid a tin - and for that you get a rich, deep colour, you're waterproof, and guaranteed for five years!

It's the way of the future I tell you!

First Nations said...

m'self, i tan in the front seat of the car on a long trip. provided its daytime,you know. and arent you SEETHING? yes you are.
dirty job-hiring-personnel twatburger.

Chris said...

Xanadu - dog of a movie, but wasn't she fantastic? Incidentally, ONJ was interviewed by ITV(?) when the Mebourne Grand Prix was on last weekend. I was in the gym at the time and outed myself by running around turning up the televisions........


Cezi said...

Lee, you should have taken an ice bath, followed by some serious Lamer cream--that always help! Sorry.

The Lady Muck said...

what are you doing having 12minutes you crazy! I used to work at a popular tanning franchise, and in the course of a year I saw people turning into handbags be careful you! *tuts and wags finger*

Fuckkit said...

Thought of you this morning at the gym.
Girls Aloud video marathon on MTV Hits.

Askinstoo said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money