Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Another 15 Minutes

Big Brother 7 started last night, much to my ambivalence. I normally pop in for the first day, see what the décor is like, and turn straight off when the first squealing homothexual wheels in front of the camera, screeching 'OHMYGOD! OHMYGODDD! OHMYGOOOODDDD!'

I didn't have to wait long.

But speaking of hollow fame, both the Wife and I have been lightly touched by its fickle hand over the last month or so. He's spent a good deal the last month off down in Wales playing the lead in a low-budget vampire film. I know! Movie star boyfriend! I'm very proud of him. And I've already chosen my dress for the premiere. It's like Liz Hurley's famous dress, only less safety pins and more spit, glue and a Matalan Loyalty Card to jimmy the lock.

And me too! What's my role in this business called show? Why all of a sudden am I the talkofthetown?

Lesbians.

Oh yes. Those lovely Ladies Who Prefer Birkenstocks discovered that I recently met darling old Kate Mulgrew. And I didn?t realise that dear Mz Mulgrew has a huge following with the Ladies Who Are Good With Power Tools. I know, in retrospect it sounds idiotic that a woman with sensible hair who a passion for big guns wouldn't be idolised by the lesbisexuals, but I'm a simple creature who ate a lot of Play-Doh as a child.

And after I'd posted it to this, my big pink column, it wasn't long before I happily fell in with a sect who were obsessed with the idea that whenever the cameras weren't on them, Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine were at it like knives.

Well, scissors. Well-lubricated, mucky scissors.

And thus they all wanted to be my friends.

Which is good as I've run out of lesbians. Completely. All the ones I had amassed over the years have either gone to ground in their IKEA-laden apartments to learn how to dive, or are now 'back on solids' and firmly riding the Man Train - first class with a non-stop ticket to Orgasmville in at least one case I could mention.

But these new breed thought I was hilarious, and I thought they were brilliant and we had several chats about Janeway changing her hair in Season Four so completely, And for a brief but marvellous while, I was elevated among their ranks. I felt the tangible worry about having to put up shelves or boiling my own lentils completely evaporate! They even went away and made t-shirts of something I said!

All because I'd spoken to Kate Mulgrew. I was their connection to their god.

It's like I was the lesbian Ark of the Covenant.

Which I'm sure we imagine to be a nice, functional-looking box with a tasteful decal of the Indigo Girls in the corner. And when you open it, it offers to set your video recorder correctly.

12 comments:

Owen Blacker said...

And tastefully sanded-down corners, so visiting Gentlemen Who Are Torn Between Brokeback And Eurovision Tomorrow Night don't accidentally take an eye out, when they trip over yet another pair of DMs?

Auriel Stone said...

Of course we love you, darling! How drab the world would be without such glitter. Being among the Women Who Drive Trucks doesn't mean that we don't appreciate flash and sparkle! That and you had the huevos to buy Kate Mulgrew a drink. That makes you simply fabulous to all the gals who wish they had the chutzpah to do it and didn't. Personally, if I didn't think I'd catch a huge leather handbag to the side of the head, I'd probably flirt outrageously with her. Ah, it's good to have dreams.

Qenny said...

The Wife's a vampire? Fantastic - lots of sucking practise required, I'm sure.

Lippy said...

I've never managed to handle the lesbian thing well at all. It somehow didn't occur to me another woman suggestiing the whole "lets have dinner at fifteen" thing was a come on , untill it was too late! ....resulting in disastrous, school kid style legging it!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

e
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Look out below! Who is that down there? Wynders? No, wrong bit of London. It's Lee. Heads up!

E
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CRASH!

Whoops!

Will said...

Do let us know what this vampire film is called when it comes out so we can get it on DVD to go with all the other low-budget horror on the DVD shelves...

Auriel Stone said...

Yes! Do give The Wife best wishes and a heartfelt "break a leg" from the Hiking Boots As A Fashion Statement crowd! ;)

Tickersoid said...

'Back on solids'
Brilliant!!!

mr null said...

*LOVING* the Tshirts! But I hear that during Voyager, the fans started getting really pissy that every week the producers kept messing with Mulgrews hair. I'm convinced that Jerry Ryan had a brazillian under her '7' outfit - she couldn't have got away with it otherwise... but there were some rather worrying 'cameltoe' photo-edits that showed up on the web shortly after she arrived on the show... hmm.
[mrnull.com]

Annie Rhiannon said...

Ladies Who Prefer Birkenstocks / back on solids...

Hilarious. Thank you.

kim said...

This, young man, is a very, very stern stare.

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2005/11/am_i_funny_to_y.html

Fuckkit said...

Sorry, can't quite get past the idea of Janeway and Seven Of Nine.

I will return later to finish reading your post. Roughly 15 to 20 minutes later.