Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Idiot

I'm sure by now you've all realised there's a... type of men I like.

Not those smooth, waif-like gays with the silly hair. I like them burly. Workman-esque. All boots and toolbelts. The ones that are going to take it out and wipe it on your needlepoint cushion of Stephanie Beecham, completely ruining your post-coital glow.

I think you're getting the (very vivid) picture. And probably honking into your tea with horror.

But I want you to picture the scene. It's 6.30am and I'm riotously hungover. I've also awoken to discover I'm in a hotel in Cardiff and there's a note on the bathroom mirror saying 'Go to the gym, you fat knacker' and an arrow pointing to my kit that's been cleverly laid out on the floor. I hate it when I'm drunk. I tend to do things that are sadistic to myself the following morning. Like agree to come and work in Cardiff.

So out the door I go, and call the lift, fumbling for my GayPod as only the heeling power of The Spice Girls are going to sort me out before I go and use that really gay gym machine that looks like you're skiing. And the doors open and I'm presented with The Lord Almighty himself.

I have never known beauty like it. Flawless skin, touselled hair. A mere teenager - but what a wondrous creature! He could have the straightest Daily Mail reader fall to his knees and praise Liberace for showing us the way. He seemed to be emanating light, he seemed to be perfect. And he looked up from the bit of paper he was holding to turn those exquisite eyes to meet my blood-shot piss-holes and nodded a greeting.

It was like I'd been shown the error of my ways. Why sully yourself with those filthy workmen when you could have marvellous, ethereal being? I almost started to cry. I noticed he was carrying a Doctor Who shooting script too. Oh, was this the most perfect being in the world?

So. What did I do.

I got so nervous and, blinded by love and hangover, pressed all the buttons on the lift control. And as headed from floor to floor, he looked at me as if to say 'So is this your floor then?' I hung my head in shame, and fiddled with my GayPod to distract myself. Ah. But the lift is all mirrored. Wherever I look, I can see his faultless eyes staring at me, looking down at my shambling frame as a god would an ant.

He's on telly tomorrow night. Playing the son in Idiot's Lantern. Oh. Oh so beautiful. Of course the television doesn't do him justice at all. But try to imagine it.

* * * *

Three hours later I bumped into the episode's author over breakfast. It was clear what the conversation was going to be about.

"Oh yes. Don't worry. He's over the age of consent," he said, and we both hugged each other in celebration.

23 comments:

dirk.mancuso said...
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Qenny said...

Idiot's Lantern? Sounds like it might be quite a weepy. I'll get some tissues (man-sized) in anyway. Just in case.

Lippy said...

Knowing you have fabulous taste I will keep my eyes suitably peeled!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Hurrah for the bright young things!

Tom Williams said...

Rory Jennings, would that be? He's hardly a teenager - he's over two years older than I am. Nice lips, though.

tornwordo said...

The older I get, the more frequently I'm stunned by beautiful youth.

Rob said...

There was a cry of "woof" from both flatmate and I when he appeared on our screens in the teaser last week.

Ye gods I felt dirty.

CyberPete said...

I just hate it when my Stephanie Beacham memorabilia gets creamed. And OY! It took many a night to do that needlepoint Lee!

DanProject76 said...

I am eagerly awaiting the episode even more now...

Doctor Who seems to get gayer every week or has it always been that way? Can anyone who works on it catch a ball, go to a football match or drink ten pints of Stella?

Spike said...

We don't get this Idiot's Lantern thingy down here. Bugger.

Spike said...

Sod it. I need to read more carefully. And lobby Aunty vigorously for the next season.

Miss Cellania said...

I should be so lucky!

coolbuddha said...

You have become Germaine Greer.

PS: He looked about 14!

DanProject76 said...

He did indeed look a bit jailbait.

Er...

No Shit Sherlock said...

Aw... Want a pic. Over here we're lucky to get Tom Baker on DVD. *grump* So no burly hot for me... Damn.

Owen Blacker said...

But he was twelve?! :oP

Louise said...

The whole time I was watching the eppy last night I kept thinking "Ooooh, it's Lee's boyyyyfrrrrrrrriennnnnd!"


It was fun.

Snooze said...

If only the elevator had become trapped between floors.

Dean said...

He's very sweet and is actually 23!

First Nations said...

*googles*
THATS 23?????
holy CRAP.
I just spat out my false teeth!
The wheels fell off my Hoveround!
My LifeAlert necklace melted!
AND I had to change my catheter bag!!

you HOUND!

Pashmina said...

I know FN just said it, but 23??
Dear god alive. Lovely lips though.

Marco Valente said...

Ha Ha Its almost Painfull seeing such a peice of hotness

AndyT13 said...

As usual you're hysterical but The Big Question gave me the jitters. I had a typewriter as a lad. What? WHAT?! sheesh.

word ver: hurgk

How appropriate.