Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Mystery of the Fairy Wings

We've got a company event this evening, and - oh! - the champagne will flow! And so will my bitter resentment!

Now tell me. What is this urge for girls of a particular size to come out dancing with fairy wings on? We've got one tonight who's already wearing them, by now covered in glitter - the poor thing thinks she looks marvellous when, frankly, she looks like a glitter ball that an albatross is resting on.

I can already see them looking over at me through their files. Hunted, I feel. For at some point in the evening I shall be brought before these be-winged behemoths who, having watched Will and Grace, have decided by half-past-the-third-cocktail-jug that everyone in a New Look dress should have a gay best friend. At which point I'm normally heaved into someone's mighty cleavage with a 'Oh aren't you just the best thing ever?!' And while I try and recover my dignity (and possibly my tiara from that cavernous breach betwixt her well-plumped love pillows) she'll grab my manicure and drag me to the dance floor.

And I'm not too hot on the dancing. Well, not at my age. One tends to seize up when there's a slight breeze these days, which is wholly ironic considering the volume of lubricant that's been up me over the years. No wonder one has an oily t-zone...

Anyway, the big mystery for me is why does anyone wear these fairy wings? They seem to be uncommonly bad luck for any girl who wears them will be, without fail, crying by 1am.

Perhaps it's the realisation that they don't look as fabulous as they think. And in fact actually look like Mavis Cruet from Willo The Wisp.

20 comments:

Lippy said...

It must be some strange big city habit - I've never seen them on any one over the age of 6....maybe I just don't mix in the right circles.

Qenny said...

I've seen this done, but hadn't realised - it is always the office heffalump that does it!

Is it intended as an ironic statement of some description?

As for wanting a gay best friend, couldn't you point out to them that Jack hangs out with Karen because she's funny and camp, not desperate to look cool and more than a little bit sad.

CyberPete said...

and rich... don't forget Karen is filthy rich!

Well at least you aren't forced to wear a football jersey to your company party thing Lee. I am, going on Saturday. But actually considered calling in sick but then there is an open bar.

Jemima said...

There are a glut of chunky desperates in my city. Yes they sparkle, yes they have flightless wings and yes, they cry.

Maybe they have no free will, they don't want to hang with you, it's a glitter attraction. Like magnets. Their wings, your brains.

Spinsterella said...

Fairy Wings.

They're for desperate fat old trolls who won't get any attention without stupid props.

Ditto anyone over the age of 18/size 10 wearing a school uniform.

Tim said...

Here's a survival tip: according to Peter Pan, if you say "I don't believe in fairies" one will drop dead.

Although if she's really that big, just make sure she doesn't crush someone on the way down...

DanProject76 said...

There's always a fat girl crying at the end of the night and there's always a few single girls with friction burns from their own legs chafeing when they walk who want to marry a gay. Just say no.

orange anubis said...

have a word with the dj, get them to play a medley of heaven must be missing an angel/abba's angel eyes/robbie's angels. then when the poor cow is delirious with excitement cuz all the songs are about her, slip a little castor oil in her bacardi breezer. harsh but fair.

Miss Cellania said...

Whaddaya mean "at my age"? I figured you were about half mine!

epicurist said...

Dare I admit that I wore a pair I found at a the Millenium new Years party? Sadly, a picture exists, but the disclaimer is I was young, pretty and gay.

Tom Williams said...

But you are the best thing ever!

Spike said...

Angel wings should only ever be worn by cute half nekkid twinks. They make a good handle when you're bending them over the bathtub while someone with a full bladder bangs desperately on the door.

kyknoord said...

I think it's the ones who had a thing for Reotardo di Crappio do it in the vain hope it will somehow transform them into a Clare Danes equivalent.

klee said...

Why are they always called Dawn?

Why do they always work in HR?

Why do they always have one of those awful Beetles in purple (or some such fanciful colour) with a Fairy Princess soft toy hanging off the rear view mirror?

A handy way to get rid of them is to slip the castor oil in their cake (for they do like their carbs) the afternoon before. That should make them flee home to their empty flats and Lean Cuisine ready meals.

mainja said...

wings?

really?

and this is a common occurance?

is this a british thing that hasn't made it across the pond yet?

spike - wait, i've been that full bladder person pounding on the door...

Rob said...

"cavernous breach"?

Ah bless. That's possibly the most wonderously satisfying construction of words I've heard this month.

And "not too hot on the dancing"? You? Pah!

Tickersoid said...

It worries me that I had such a pair of wings in my house until recently and I can't remember why.

Snooze said...

Darling! Forget the wings - you look lovely in your afro.

Reluctant Nomad said...

In the Midlands you constantly see hordes of be-winged hens on their hen nights, sometimes sporting flashing bunny ears. Quite bizarre.

However, this is the sort of bewinged creature I'd be very happy to be swooped on by.

Owen Blacker said...

I'm with Reluctant Nomad on this one.