Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Nose Dive

It seems that you can't actually survive in this office unless you know exactly what's going on in the world of reality television. Baying secretaries, forever like the trolls under their bridges, won't let you pass their desks lest you know exactly who's been knocked out of the Big Brother House.

Of course, it's all a mystery to me. Bar the last round of The X-Factor, judged by Simon Cowell, some aged wendy, and Sharon Osborne from under that Nicky Clarke pagoda of industrial hairspray. For last time it has been responsible for one good thing: this gentleman here. Shayne Ward.

Look at him. Look at him!

Well, I would.

Oh does he not have all the promise of being a bit of a rough shag? Even the name 'Shayne' reeks of someone from the Lower Orders who they've poured into a Topman suit to get on TV. There you'd be as his sausage-like fingers pawing at you as you try and force him off with one hand, the other hand's reaching around to flip back the duvet cover and steady your bedside lamp.

Now I do like a bit of 'skanky-panky'. Bit of slap-and-tickle with someone from the local estate with a bit of dirt under their fingernails and a tool belt in their white Transit van that's waiting outside your box hedge.

And now look. They've just done a waxwork of him. I may have to go on a bit of a pilgrimage.

But now. See. We have to wonder whether they only made a waxwork of him as he looks like one anyway. Look at that skin! Nary a pore on it. Does he sweat, do you think? As he's pummelling away, nary a thought between his beautiful eyebrows other than 'Must go harder...' do you think you'll be dripped on from his furrowed brow? His back glistening in the morning sunlight as you remember you didn't even get a chance to pour his tea?


Sorry. Lost it for a moment, there.

Anyway, the reason I bring you all here is to give you a warning.

DO NOT buy this man's records.

For one, I have a bet going with my mother that he won't have three number one's this year, and if she loses she has to buy me the Girl's World she refused to when I was eight.

But the real reason is the sooner his star begins to fade, the sooner we get him in one of those career-nosedive naked photoshoots for the gay magazines that always follows a 'celebrity' as their career shuffles unceremoniously towards the trash can.

I tell you, I can't wait.


Brad Fitt said...

Have you HEARD about his family though? Rapists, drug dealers, A nod to a connection with the IRA. . . Oh Lee the Pillow talk, THE PILLOW TALK x


Lee said...

I don't want to *talk* to him!

Qenny said...

Shayne (gorgeously chavvy spelling) came close to stripping in G-A-Y the other week, and then realised it was Jermaline Jospeh who was asking him to take his kit off and thought better of it.

He was very sexy on stage, bless 'im, and did a cracking rendition of Over The Rainbow.

My Lovely Husband? commented on how good looking he was. Several times. Too many.

I almost drowned in nasal coffee at the thick sausage-like fingers, btw.

klee said...

Ah yes, but do you want the stereo still to be there in the morning?

Rough trade can barely find the clitoris: what hope does he have of finding the walnut?

I've just disgusted myself there. I'll get over it, I'm sure/

coolbuddha said...

Without seeing the first photo, how could you tell which is the waxwork? Could be twins.
Chav? Welcome to my world!

Lippy said...

*speechless with admiration*

And sharing that whole "rough trade thing" - why does everyone always assume you want to talk to them?????

AndyT13 said...

See, this baffles me completely. Oh I own a television though I can't remember the last time it was on and even if I turned it on I don't have cable. I assume that's where those shows are.
This is certainly an impediment to my interacting with the 'real world'. People routinely come babbling at me about so and so from such and such a show and I just stare blankly until they give up and go away. Really, people would rather watch this crap than go have a rough shag? God I love that term. Anyway, WTF? I can't tell the difference between the wax one and the 'real' one. Surely this is a sign of something evil afoot in the land? What. Eva.
Just ignore me. I'll go away now.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Well, I certainly won't be buying his records - not because of the bet/nakedness. It'll just be an added bonus, that's all,

DanProject76 said...

Yes he does look like a right dirty boy, doesn't he? And a little bit poofy too... he seems to always go on and on about how he loves the laydeez but is too busy to see his girlfriend.


I think you should steal the waxwork. Best of both worlds.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

That was supposed to be a full stop at the end. I wasn't going to say any more.

Tom Williams said...

He's really not that good looking. And the waxwork looks in no way rough trade, though, so loses what little appeal he does have. It could almost be Kevin Pietersen.

Pam said...

He is gayer than Will Young.

Mr Kenneth said...

Does anyone else think that the waxwork seems to have a bigger head than the original in that picture. Shame on the waxworkers - who are supposed to get every detail accurate - if that is the case!

Ollie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ollie said...

As the editor of a gay magazine that features nose-dive photo-shoots (yes that is pretty much the professional term), every fagmag in the land approached Shayne for a tasteful pube shot in the two weeks after the first single. Apparently his management want to wait until his fourth single before they pimp out his cadaver, also they suggest that he works on his stomach first. There is also a rumour that he asked Nigel Martin Smith (ex Take-That manager) for advice on coming-out. Ahh bless ?im