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Friday, May 12, 2006

Porn Review: Bareback Mountain

Now, we like a good flick.

We also like a good movie (ho-ho!) so imagine our joy when we discovered our favourite film of last year was being made into the obligatory porno! Larks. Why don?t we compare and contrast the two?

LETS TAKE A LOOK AT THE COVER ART!
Brokeback on the left, Bareback on the right. With one or two slight amends to make it Safe For Work!

Bare and Brokeback Mountain!


SO. WHAT'S IT ALL BASED ON..?
Brokeback: The short story by Annie Proulx, which first appeared in The New Yorker.

Bareback: A couple of cowboy hats left behind after a hen party in The Yard.

WHICH CAME FIRST?
Brokeback: This one did, inspiring a raft of parodies.

Bareback: The minging one in the white cowboy hat.

AH YES, THE SEX. HOW IS IT?
Brokeback: Good lord! Spit-on-hand action in a tent somewhere, where Ennis manages to get it in with a wince-inducing lube-less shunt meaning either a) Jack's as slacker than Paris Hilton's fish mitten, or b) Ennis doesn't live up to what his name sounds like.

Bareback: Real-life couple Jed and Ted (or something) show us how 'hot' things are in their bedroom with a quick bareback dalliance over the hotel pool table.
Clearly Jed or Ted (whichever one's 'the lady') was talked into doing this film as a last-ditch attempt to save their floundering marriage as, forgive me, he doesn't like to take it up the poo-tube that much. Which considering you're a) making a porno and b) have to get an average-sized member thrust up you on cue is clearly a disadvantage. But there he lies, shuddering in pain with each thrust, clearly making us want to be watching as much as he wants to be there.
In the interim, we get flanks of those pinch-faced homothexuals diddling each other on a series of wicker furniture. Why wicker? It looks slightly rustic, one supposes. Especially next to the well-sprung bed with leopardskin bedspread.

OH YES! THE PRODUCTION DESIGN!
Brokeback: Ostensibly deliberately bleak and depressing. Although someone gets some formica wipe clean surfaces in it halfway through. And it's not one of the gays! Shock!

Bareback: Well, looky-loo! Someone's put a stuffed moose's head on a motel wall.
Oh wait, that's the one in the white hat again.

TAG LINE?
Brokeback: 'Love Is A Force Of Nature'. Aww. As impenetrable as the films ultimate message. Which is directly and inversely proportional to how seemingly impenetrable Jack Twist is.

Bareback: 'Love Is A Right Of Passage'. See?! They even fucked this up the wall! This is a porn film, from an industry responsible for such classics as 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' and 'Drill Bill'! There's always a pun. If anything, it should be 'Love Is A Right To Passages'! Fools. And love? Please. Never since the dubious (and real) 'Piss Boys In Love' has the subject of romance in pornography ever come into question.

ANY ICONIC DIALOGUE?
Brokeback: A couple of catchphrases that'll plague schoolkids who aren't very good at Physical Education. 'I wish I could quit you!' springs to mind.

Bareback: Barely any dialogue at all. You'd think that these people had been hired for their looks, wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong about that too.

BASICALLY, IS THERE A MOUNTAIN IN IT?
Brokeback: Yes.

Bareback: No.

SO, NOT PUTTING TOO FINER POINT ON IT - WHICH ONE'S GOING TO USE UP MORE TISSUES?
Brokeback: Snot and tears everywhere by the end of the movie. I'd say this one.

Bareback: Well, an obligatory spaffing by the third chapter, but you'll only feel dirty and wrong for it.

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen! Conclusive proof!

Have a good weekend, y'all. Yee-haw.

18 comments:

Lippy said...

OK - so who gave you those pictures of me that you used to doctor the cover then? Hmmm?

First Nations said...

That lady's ticklish, isn't she.

tornwordo said...

My stomach hurts from laughing.

Spaffing? Oh my.

Rob said...

"Barely any dialogue at all."

That's Heath covered. And what about the guy playing Jake?

Actually I have a nasty feeling the flatmate has this.

But not for much longer. Mwahaha.

HAIRYBEARS said...

HEHEHEHEHE,

VERY FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!

GREAT POST !!!!!!!

KISSES FROM BRAZIL

Frank said...

"..a quick bareback dalliance over the hotel pool table....have to get an average-sized member thrust up you on cue is clearly a disadvantage."

Oh, Lee, you sly punster you! Can't wait for the comparison review of The DaVinci Code and The DaVinci Load!

CyberPete said...

Oh dear! Well it couldn't be as disappointing as the Spanish version of Stand at Attention that I saw the other day.

Snooze said...

I didn't think that it was possible to do such a thorough analysis of porn, but you have succeeded. Bravo Lee.

dirk.mancuso said...

Hmmmmmm, you'd think they'd have went with "Bareback MOUNTING" as a title...

Miss Cellania said...

I think I'll just read your reviews (very entertaining), and leave the movies. I just don't have the time anymore.

Come see my new site! My old one is frozen, I'm at Miss Cellania!

Tickersoid said...

I now feel, both used and amused.

RC said...

that's horribly amusing.

Spinsterella said...

The dubious (and real) 'Piss Boys in Love'...

???

I'm not familiar with that one, could you please explain a little more?

AndyT13 said...

I find it difficult to imagine VOLUNTEERING to be a bottom when one truly wasn't. I mean really!
Bizarre. I hope the money was good.
Obligatory spaffing. Fap! fap! fap!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Madam in the yellow horror-frock on the cover is truly priceless!

The Lady Muck said...

Judging by the munter in the white hat, I'll give that one a miss. Shame, there was a parody with potential.

Owen Blacker said...

I dunno, the one in the white hat doesn't look that bad?

Anusha Kulkarni said...

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