Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Sunday was going swimmingly until the Wife spotted one of those Smart cars. Those tiny little vehicles that are popular with stumpy secretaries and middle management who think they're 'being green'. So for all his tree-hugging hippy karma shit, his outburst was all the more surprising.

"Oi! You! It's not a proper car you know," he bellowed to its occupants as it rolled past. "It's a lunchbox on wheels!"

The occupants were as taken aback as I was.

"Oh look. They've slowed down," I said. They'd turned the corner and pulled over. "Uh oh. I think you riled them."

"What they going to do? Throw their sandwiches at us?"

We walked past. They were glaring. And as we moved on, they pulled out and stayed level.

"They're still following us!"

"Stop it! You're not threatening! You can't be menacing driving something that came free with a Happy Meal!"

I couldn't look, I was laughing so hard. It was like being menaced by an iMac. They'd pulled around another car and were now stopping level to where we are.

"Yes, taunt us with your ability to park anywhere! It's bloody easy when you've only got half a car, isn't it?" shouted the Wife.

We moved on further. They pulled up level again.

"Go home! You're driving a Dyson!" he hollered.

And the occupants looked at each other. It was like the scales fell from their eyes and they realised the errors of their ways, and they drove off.

"Anything else?" I asked the Wife.

"I think I've got it all out of my system."

"You sure?"

He breathed deeply. "Oh yes. Much better."

"What about Teri Hatcher?"

"Oh come on! Everyone hates Teri Hatcher!"


kyknoord said...

Smart cars are ridiculous. They appeal to people who want to buy scooters, but are too wishy-washy to make the commitment.

First Nations said...

wife rocks!

Owen Blacker said...

I have to disagree with Wife, but I wish I could've seen this whole fracas.

Whilst I think of it, though, surely you can't still be foaming at the gash about those three young gentlemen? Isn't it time for an update now? :P

tornwordo said...

It's half a car for twice the price!

Tim said...

How easy do you think they are to push over? I reckon it could be the 21st century's answer to cow-tipping.

MQ said...

Yes, ha ha ha, but try driving one. I don't own a smart but am able to use it in the car-sharing pool that these really green Germans operate.

The acceleration and responsiveness is second to no other car I've ever driven. And that means, oooh, at least five other sorts of car.

Hilarious outburst nonetheless!

AndyT13 said...

That's just too funny to be true but I laughed my ass off anyway.
:-) Cheers!

Snooze said...

I LOVE Smart cars and want one, but Wife's outburst was brilliant.

CyberPete said...

Your wife is bloody brilliant. Those outbursts were fab.

However if I *had* to drive around central London, a Smart car would be my choice. That or a Porsche.

Lippy said...

He's right -everyone does.
It should be illegal to try as hard as Teri Hatcher does.

Jaclyn said...

I wish that was our biggest problem here stateside.

Instead, you get to play "Try Not To Be Destoyed By A Suburban Mommie-Type In A Ford Planet-Eater" on a daily basis.

I'd take smart car any day.

DanProject76 said...

Can you get The Wife to hate those ridiculous 4by4s next week please? They're driven by the worst kind of stupid cunt on the road!

Imogen said...

I drove a Smart car not so very long ago, and it felt horribly like I was three years old again, wizzing round my parents' living room in one of those horrible plastic red and yellow toycars.
Remember those?

Qenny said...

But the Smart Roadsters look so cute!

Dolly said...

Smart Cars are for people who have no friends, because let's face it, you can't really fit anything more than yourself and a bottle of vodka in those two seats. And heck, what's the point in having a car if you can't drive your mates around in em?