Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Cake

And it's this point in the proceedings we normally ask ourselves what the hell is the point of Battenburg cake.

Oh it's so difficult to be a pure, gym-going, carb-free homothexual, dear viewers. It's always the cake I fall down on. Oh there's no way I can keep my hand off my muffin in weather like this. But there's no way you're getting me wrapping my laughing gear around a portion of Battenburg.

It's just wrong. Battenburg only exists to make Angel Cake look good. And there's something amiss in the baking world that riles me about a cake that has an amount of flavour that is inversely proportional to the amount of colour. It's just pink and yellow air coated in marzipan which is, frankly, the devil's playdoh.

Oh yes, take it from me. As a long-time champion beater, and a gentleman who's flicked his fair portion of batter around in the past, I'm getting to be quite an authority on baking. And there's not much I haven't had rise up in the kitchen with the help of a stiff hand and a bit of a nudge from a greasy spatula. And I've had quite a few Gentlemen Callers commenting on how firm my buns are, and there's nary a man in the village who hasn't licked his lips at the prospect of getting my spotted dick down their gullet. And some of my friends are getting into it too - although clearly not very well - dear Dolly had a go at a nice two-tier sponge essentially just baked a milkshake. The dear thing had forgotten to add flour. Honestly. I ask you.

Indeed, there was one of my charming ex's that was so fond of his tea and cake, as well as making the Beast With One Back (we're filthy sodomites, remember) that we decided to combine the three on one occasion. It got a little messy, but we soon rectified that for future occurrences by buying one of those 'Tommy Tippy' drip-free toddlers mugs and I never looked back. Mostly as I was gums-deep in a pillow, but you get the idea.

Say no to Battenburg. And get your lips around my Cream Horn instead.

18 comments:

First Nations said...

yes, high calorie butt sex. thats why i keep returning, lee.
that and i have this odd compulsion to spit coffee all over my keyboard every morning.
i adore you RECKLESSLY.

Qenny said...

You might have more gentlemen callers if you get something done about that spotted dick. There's pills for that these days. And creams. Very topical ones.

The Lady Muck said...

And the world record for ingenius innuendo goes to... Glitter For Brains!

Truly impressed.

Battenberg is evil. That will be all.

Lippy said...

Do you know - you've pre-empted me, and there aren't many people who can say that let me tell you!

I still have the builders in, and was over the moon, when the told me yesterday that my chocolate cake was the best chocolate cake in the world ever!

Ha!

Dantallion said...

Ah, Lee, I always come away from your posts with so much to think about.

Today it's "Am I hungry, or horny".

Brilliant.

Gaymosexual said...

You are an abomibation, you go against everything that GOD stands for!

Your filthy perverions should be illegal.

It's people like you that are responsible for the downfall in todays society.

I mean....How can you not like Battenburg! Its that Batty's batter of choice man.

The Queen of all cakes. YUM!

Pam said...

All the more Battenburg for me !

Neep said...

After googling Battenburg...

I don't think I have laughed out loud all day. Quite an acheivement to get to 8pm for me, thanks for breaking my crabby streak.

I love it and I am stealing the beast with one back quote for my English class tomorrow.

Kisses!

No Shit Sherlock said...

Marzipan is the congealed emission of Satan.
My chocolate cake uses 125g (at least) of Cadbury's Cocoa. Damn straight.

Ollie said...

Battenburg is a prince among confections. I for one worship at its feet...


Does battenburg have feet?

klee said...

I like marzipan. Anything which consists of crushed nuts is worthy of praise.

And nothing sets you up better for an evening of bumsex than afternoon tea, believe you me. Betty's Tearoom is a secret Yorkshire house of vice, didn'tcha know?

Adam said...

1. slice the battenburg.
2. drizzle with icing and allow to set.
3. rejoice that you are thinner than a thin thing and can have seconds.
I agree, marzipan is satan's playdoh - THAT'S WHY WE LIKE IT!

Reluctant Nomad said...

Layer cakes are good. Ring (pineapple) upside down ones, even better.

DanProject76 said...

Angel Cake is being renamed Devil Cake.

While reading your cake/sex post I was listening to Rufus Wainwright and it all seemed to fit so well.

As Father Jack once shouted...

"I like cake!"

Spike said...

Mmm...cake and shagging...

mainja said...

oh for pete's sake lee, now i have to go and google Battenburg to figure out what the hell you are talking about...

Concrete X said...

You are THIS wrong about Battenburg, mister. And is the cream in your horn supposed to be that colour?

RickB said...

i love battenburg cake. I even have a batten burg day. It's May the 7th, so you've missed it this year.