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Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Duvet

Is there anything more dispiriting than getting home pissed and discovering you haven't put your sheets on your bed?

Oh probably. A couple of years in a Turkish prison; sitting through a Jennifer Anniston film. But at the time, when you've just lurched back from getting twatted on those tart-fuel alcopops, dribbling kebab-juice from the corners of your mouth, finding a bed sans sheets is oft enough to reduce a drunkard to his knees and sound the banshee wail of Paris Hilton after a new Porsche.

And worse, then comes the Olympian task of trying to put a duvet cover on. Four corners on the duvet, four corners on the cover. It should be easy. It never is when you're sober, and now you're already in a state to allow a complete stranger a quick fumble in the club toilets, all the time you were thinking 'I'm classier than this. I really am. I shouldn't be here. I should be doing it in the alley outside, which is far more picturesque."

Needless to say, I woke up sobbing, lying in what appeared to be some shambolic Chinese laundry.

13 comments:

kyknoord said...

The infamous Bedstrippers Gang claims another victim.

Qenny said...

If you're not pissed enough to crash into alcoholic oblivion regardless of the state of the bed, then you're not pissed enough.

Damn. That sounded a bit straight-acting.

tornwordo said...

Yes, qenny, but drool stains on the mattress....one really wants to avoid that.

CyberPete said...

That's when you pull out those latex sheets of yours! No drool stains or anything else on the mattress. I agree with Qenny though.

You mean getting felt up in the toilet isn't classy?

Owen Blacker said...

It's certainly classier than getting blown on the dancefloor or ? one of my least classy moments ? getting tapped on the head by the barman and told not to suck a guy off at the bar.

Oops.

God of Biscuits said...

you're pretty. :)

Kirses said...

bad planning - if you know you're going out, put sheets on before you leave the house. or maybe thats just me - a curious mix of stupidly orgnaised and part time alcoholic.

Reluctant Nomad said...

As someone who only owns one duvet cover, one fitted sheet and one set of pillow cases, I'm often faced with this dilemma even when not particularly pissed, after having done the laundry. It means that putting on a duvet cover on returning home smashed is beyond comprehension.

klee said...

A handy household hint: turn your duvet cover inside out and put it on by getting your arms inside, finding the corners, matching these up to the corresponding corners on the duvet and shake it out.

Easy.

AND I've never had sex in a nightclub's toilets. How's that for classy?

Mr Kenneth said...

Someone's been taking domestic tips from Anthea Turner, eh Mr Klee?

Have to admit, I use this method now, but it's not so easy if your duvet slot (so to speak) isn't as wide as your duvet. It still gets bunched up half way down and you need to tug it manually.

Spinsterella said...

While I have to agree with Qenny, there is a solution for those times when you're not quite pissed enough just to pass out sans sheets.

Throw sheet and duvet-cover over bed (including pillows), followed by duvet. Sleep in between sheet and duvet cover.

You'll still wake up in a tangle, but at least you'll save 10 minutes of valuable sleeping time by not even trying with the putting the cover back on stuff.

*J* said...

I don't see the problem...

Get home drunk, colapse, wake up and regret it in the morning!

Rob said...

Mister Klee's method really works.

I've been doing it for years.

Mind you I've never had sex in a nightclub either. I'm afraid they'd put some jittery R&B on and completely put me off my stroke. (They never play the Locomotion when you need it do they?)