Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Length

Hands up if you're a size queen!

Oh pshaw. Come on, you all have a interest, be it Gentlemen Who Can't Catch, men in locker rooms having a sneaky glance, or Ladies on Hen Nights. Even the lesbisexuals have a preference to their length of meat, although this tends to be more fake 'meat' so we'll refer to it as Quorn from now on.

Yes, we all have a bit of an preference. I love to have a good old look. Oh, the times I've been at a Gentleman's Health Spa in my Goldilocks wig examining three bears going "Oh that one's too small. Oh that one's too big. Oh! Well! That one's just right!" before getting turfed out by the management (apparently that was not porridge I'd left in the locker room) are too numerous to mention.

But when it comes to the 'magic' twelve inches, we have good old King Edward to thank for this. He was the monarch who standardised measurements of length, therefore known as the Imperial system. Several parts of his body were measured, and turned into standard lenghs - with the length from his... heel-to-toe (ha! You thought I was going to be rude!) gave the measurement for a foot. Oh yes!

Now, we all know the human body is an amazing thing. Take Ryan Reynolds, for example. I know I would.

But, that's a sidetrack. Here's an example of the wonder of the human form: did you know that the distance from the crook of your elbow to your wrist is also the same distance? Go on, try it. Place your foot against the top of your forearm and see! I know that some of you haven't had your heels higher than your hips since the Blitz, but give it a go. Amazing!

It's a good guide to check to see whether a shoe would fit. Or help with shoplifting.

I, uh, would also imagine.

Also, if you want to see whether a pair of jeans will fit, but don't want to brave the changing rooms (perhaps you've accidentally wandered into a TKMaxx and can't get an airlift to safety for twenty minutes) button them up, and wrap them around your head. If they meet, they should fit!

You also can't get your hand all the way around your elbow so your fingers touch. Unless you're Karen Carpenter, but that's just details, isn't it?

But you're after the important measurement, aren't you? Why yes, it is more or less possible to calculate that length: gentlemen, fold your middle finger down into your palm as far as it will go. Where it touches, note this position with the thumb of your other hand. Now return your middle finger to its original position, and note this with the index finger of your other hand. And this, more or less, is the length you'll be getting off the office temp in the stationary cupboard come the Christmas Party after a few too many Sambucas.

Although, let it now be proclaimed that small hands and small feet don't often follow through on a short person. Goodness, no. I won't mention his name (too much of a Risky Business, ho!) but I couldn't sit down for a week!

God bless you, Tom Cruise!

Ooops.

14 comments:

Loudlush said...

Just followed all of the length finding instructions on this most educational post. Although I'm none the wiser about the white-knuckle-ride potential of my boss (forget the temp, pshaw indeed) I do believe that it's been one of the best low-impact workouts I've ever had and I intend to complete this set of maneouvres twice daily until I can get these goddam jeans off my head. God Bless You, Sir.

CyberPete said...

The foot/arm thing is from 'Pretty Woman' right? I seem to remember Julia horseteeth Roberts saying something like that.

But quite the eye opener.

Jemima said...

No, really, no. Made me LOL, though.

AndyT13 said...

Nice. And here I'd always thought that was a myth. Kind of gives a new perspective to "giving the finger", at least in the American sense. And darling when ARE you and th wife coming back to NY, hmm?
All of the fabulorati have been asking for you!

No Shit Sherlock said...

Aw, that's how big it would be? Man, I would be like, a horse...
But I am sadly a mare. So sucks to be me...
Is Le Cruset really that big? Woa. No small shoes for him then. Mind you, if his feet were big, he'd look like an inverted L...

Owen Blacker said...

Take Ryan Reynolds, for example. I know I would.

Isn?t that the wrong way round, dear? :o)

Qenny said...

Tom Cruise is hung? I don't believe it! You'll be telling us next that Nicole Kidman isn't an hermaphrodite.

Snooze said...

The hands never lie. I didn't know about the foot/forearm connection though. I was doing early morning stretching in a whole new way in order to test that one out.

tornwordo said...

I'll never look at hands quite the same way, lol.

Rob said...

Surely the words "Tom Cruise" and "hung" should only feature in a sentence bookending the words "should be"?

Very informative post there though, Mister Lee. Although I now have images of me standing in menswear shops wrapping jeans round my head in full view of customers and staff and finding an ambulance waiting for me outside.

And as for *that* length - I shall be testing it later. But I think my fingers are disproportionately long for this one.

Da Nator said...

Thank you. My hips magically lost half their inches to match my head size as I read your post.

Also, am I a perv because I like the Quorn with gruyere?

jungle jane said...

yes that's all very nice but what we really need is a way to tell whether a bloke is cut or not. its rude asking them if they have a foreskin and then chortling and running off when they say yes.

Spike said...

Yeah, Jane, but it's fun.

*off to get boastful tattoo on own palm*

Fabio has something to say said...

I stumbled across your blog on a search for "fabulous blogs"...now I know why you are considered fabulous! It looks like we have more in common than blogging!