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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Venice Part II

Someone asked me to sum up Venice in a sentence. I'll give it a go: hot, and full of tourists.

This equally can be applied to me back in 1999.

But anyway, you asked what the men were like, and I have to say a little disappointing. I mean, Italian men are hot. We all know this. We learn this in Gay 101 on the first day - along with how to use a nail file properly (only stroke in one direction; use it to wave at waiting staff, as a point of exclamation and comedy, and stab people in the neck who refuse to get out of your way in department stores). But unfortunately, Venice isn't really populated by the Italians, and they appear to bus in some short, hairy variants just to serve you pizza.

In fact, the whole time we were there, there was only one gondolier who made us drop our chips and circle around for a second glance. Bless him.

The women, whereas, are stunning. They are glamour at all times. Even our hotel cleaner, Yolanda, was a lovely little thing. A bit gummy, mind, but you get used to it as she was a whizz with can of Pledge.

Now the Wife loves baiting hotel cleaners. Leaving small amounts of change on the side, seeing whether things go missing. Making out that there's something big and exciting in the room safe by having a bit of paper just jutting out of the side. He takes a UV blacklight stick with him everywhere - not to check the sheets for any stains, but to see where the cleaner's mucky paw prints have been while we were off pretending to be Katherine Hepburn on the Rialto Bridge.

But even he was surprised when we came back on the second day. His plan had worked a little too well: the safe had teeth marks in it.

Well, it explained why Yolanda had a smile like Highgate Cemetery...


kyknoord said...

Obviously took the expression 'safe cracker' a bit too literally.

First Nations said...

you suppose she licked your toothbrushes too?
or did you check?
maybe you should have.

Frank said...

"Well, it explained why Yolanda had a smile like Highgate Cemetery..." Gonna have to explain that reference for us ignorant Yanks, love!

Qenny said...

I'm so pleased to hear that they have Pledge in Italy. I was thinking we were going to have to take some with us, or put up with some awful foreign equivalent that wouldn't necessarily shift, shield and shine in sheconds.