Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Wheels

I've never been 'down wi' the kidz'. My hips won't bend that far.

In fact the closest I ever got to being 'in the ghetto' was accidentally popping into a Co-Op, thinking it was a gentleman's outfitters thanks to an amusing mix-up with a Spaniard's directions. So no. I've never been 'hip'.

But that's never stopped that aged dance-scarecrow Madonna, has it? Last video, there she is trussed up a pink leotard, skin the colour and tone of wicker that you'd expect Edward Woodward to be put in her and set afire. And maybe that corset was a bit too tight as they had to stick her on wheels! But still, if it can prop up her tired career with a bit of mirrorball and putting on some skates, I'd be onto a winner and blinging my pimp (or something) if I popped into the same place she filmed the video and did a bit of roller disco!

Well, it was a nice idea, but frankly, I discovered I'm as good on wheels as Michelle Rodriguez.

Fair play - I haven't done anything like this before. I wasn't a very energetic child. I put a foot on a skateboard once (blame Back to the Future) and ended up with my legs right over my head years before I could fully appreciate the advantages. So there I was, careering around with all the grace of Posh Spice dancing, rolling into walls and landing flat on my arse once every ten minutes.

It was brilliant. I laughed myself sick.

Even when you don't realise the implications of being on wheels, it's a lark. Like going to the bar: can you imagine trying to gracefully carry a cocktail back to your seat when your feet are at ten-to-two and wanting to go to twenty-past-four? Or having to use a urinal? Hilarious!

Brilliant fun. Riot. Especially when a) I'd almost figured it out how to do it by the end of the night, and b) when I'd stopped looking on the floor for Madge's incontinence stains.

6 comments:

Qenny said...

I think Xanadu is long overdue a remake. Sounds like you've got it well in hand, Lee.

First Nations said...

hell 'boogie nights' had a tart on skates, did it not? there ya go then.
Glitter Nights!

CyberPete said...

Good luck!

I used to go roller skating when I was much younger, but these days I think I'll stick to me stilettos.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I always wanted to be a Wheeler when Return To Oz came out. Can you imagine the carnage with a wheel on each limb?!

p.s. Any chance of Aggie & Co making a comeback? Perhaps on wheels?

Bob said...

They're bringing Xanadu to Broadway (did we learn nothing from Starlight Express?)! Which means it could be in London by 2008.

Mark said...

You know they now do Gay Roller disco on Sundays at aforementioned venue with lessons for beginners from 6pm-7pm!