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Saturday, July 15, 2006

'Flame Grilled' & 'Virtually Fat Free'

Right that's it. I'm throwing a fucking strop. In tribute to Nikki. How could they get rid of her? Big Brother DIED today. Nikki may merit a celebrity ASBO and be popping into KFC on the way home from Elstree, but I just hope I'm there next time she misses a train and throws a particularly public tantrum. I shall be discreet, of course, and watch her out of the corner of my eye as she flails around, turning a vivid shade of puce. Incidentally, Jayne (now, she can fuck off) reckons Nikki's off to Australia. A few Australians have been leaving comments on this blog. BEWARE! PANIC! HIDE! Move to New Zealand!

I love KFC myself of course. It's, like, a special place for me and my boyfriend. Staggering back from Camden in the small hours. Clawing at the windows of the branch in Swiss Cottage, as the staff stack chairs and flick 'V's in our general direction. My man's moved to Islington now which kicks all the fun out of it, but at least we have Mecca Bingo.

Meanwhile, in the absence of any burger action at King's Reach Tower (where I've been working this week) I've been on the trail of good sandwiches. The local pubs and Eat are beaten hands down by Pret A Manger... but only because of the sticker they have on the tills that says, amusingly I think, "Sorry - We have to charge VAT on items when you eat in. Nightmare!"

Carrying my little paper bag from Pret, back to my desk, up 29 flights of stairs gives me lattitude to do the whole "I look down on him" routine... but I don't think I'll bother. I would hug a hoodie, but we're scared shitless of each other. No good would come of it.

If you were here the other day you might have joined us in musing about how sexy 21st Century science can give us a leg up on the malicious eugenics front. I suggested people might want to wipe out the woopsies. Qeeny wanted the world chav-free. But (and I realise that this is old news, 'olds' if you will) this week's story was that men are no longer needed. I heard it first on Radio Two.

Basically, they've finally developed artificial semen. I'm betting it's all part of the advertising campaign for Coca Cola Zero. Spunk Zero, for a less fattening blow job. You know, a while back I heard of this pill you could take that flavoured your man juice. Made it taste of apples, I think. Tired of that dull, savoury suck? Pop a couple of these and you can be coming Creme de Scrumpy.

So, the girls will be able to get articifially-generated spoo by the bucketload. "Well, well," chortled radio's Ken Bruce, twittered the tabloid press, giggled the odd TV panel game, "what good are men now?" I'm no fool, I know full well this is just a harmless, fluffy, Monkhouse-inflected excuse for some vintage comedy. Opening jars! Catching spiders! Mowing the lawn! Oh, the battle of the sexes! Keeping the greetings card industry in work year after year! I ached, I tell you, ACHED for my mate Zeena to come on the radio and say in her best Kim Cattrall voice, "Oh, honey, fake jizz is one thing, but we all need a big hard cock."

Because women like sex, like drooling over men, and I thought we'd got past pretending that they didn't. Even if they do think all men are cunts, and that it's a nuisance you have to put up with so much shit to get a shag. Gay men - same problem, but in some cases rather more literal. I reckon that some lesbians just pretend to be dead grumpy so they don't feel left out of this man made mess.

Of course the above argument occupies the ground between a generalisation and complete bollocks... but it's probably more sound than, "Oh no, Ken, my husband does *all* the hoovering". And, to go all Carrie Bradshaw on yo' ass, it set me thinking. Men - and to clarify I mean your actual motorcycle-riding, cattle-neutering straight men - would never say "oh who needs women?" because they're all rampantly sex mad. Right?

I'm a man - albeit gay as a goose who, for this similie to work, is fond of other male geese - and *I'm* rampantly sex mad. And as I staggered asthmatically up the East staircase of Kings Reach Tower the other day, I wondered if I'd prefer to shag a beautiful, *beautiful* woman in favour of a fat, ugly guy. I know chunky men with an unconventional kind of beauty have their followers. That's great. But I'm prone to furballs. Some straight men must have wondered if stud beats moose. Would they rather go without? There you go! Some hope for all those gays out their who hanker after straight boys. Just kill all the pretty women. (Actually, please don't. I don't want to get the blame.) I'm happy to stick with, or to, the gays. They do it for me, and I'm not sure any beautiful, *beautiful* women would have me anyhow.

I've rambled on for long enough. I must get to bed or, by the time I drag my sorry arse from under the duvet tomorrow, all the shops will be closed. And there'll be no breakfast for Dicky. Nightmare!

Goodnight you.


Lee is, I'd imagine, fast asleep


Loudlush said...

I'm with Zeena and Ms Catrall.

DanProject76 said...

After watching her eviction interview this morning, I wonder if Nikki was the 'person under a train' at East Acton last night who left me stranded after whooping it up at the BBC?

"Big Brother, I need my sliver belt! Big Brother, I need my silver belt!"


MQ said...

Read that whole entry before discovering it wasn't written by Lee. Phew! I knew something wasn't quite right but I couldn't quite work out what it was.

That'll teach me to skip reading the daily posts for a few days and then jump in randomly.

Spike said...

Nikki's off to Australia. A few Australians have been leaving comments on this blog. BEWARE! PANIC! HIDE! Move to New Zealand!

If she's anything like the bogans on BB here I'm on the first plane to Dunedin.

Becky said...

Men will always be needed, if only as something for women to have a dig at. If all the men died out they'd only have each other to bitch about and we know how scary that can get. ;-)

I'm proud of being a man, and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. With only occasional lapses. :-)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

More importantly: What kind of sandwich was it?

Kirses said...

i'm from Dunedin and i recommend it if you like snow and students

Qenny said...

Oddly, despite never having had a straight sexual experience in my life, I would sooner shag a really beautiful woman (assuming she'd have me) than a bloke that I found spectacularly unattractive.

I might need a little help from Pfizer, though.