Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Hit Me, Baby!

I put my left leg in. I put my left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. Quite how a stand-up comic got us all doing the hokey cokey on the hottest day of the year wasn't entirely clear. Still: I came, I saw, I conga'd - though not necessarily in that order - and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Ida Barr's geriatric antics and self-styled "artifical hip hop" helped us pass the evening quite pleasantly. It was all very funny in a queer kind of way. There was even some stuffed olives and salted peanuts on the table, and the chance to win a bottle of the old Blossom Hill. How they spoil us! I'm off to Edinburgh next month, for the festival, and I'm guessing it won't be anywhere near as cosy.

Now, we all need a laugh, and I'm sure you're itching for me to relay a few of the cracking gags I heard last night. Regrettably, I can't really bring any to mind right this second. The first act did a bit of local humour... Apparently the police who shot the innocent Brazilian on the underground last year have been cleared, but there was some "health and safety" issues.

Today's big news is that the Metropolitan police are doing a great job... which means there'll be another dozen film crews blocking the entrance to Stockwell station. But if you ask me, I'm not sure violent crime *is* down. They start young around these parts. I was assaulted by a toddler this morning. She was being carried by her Mum who was running for the bus, the littl'un swinging her arm as they went. And as they passed me by: wallop! Not even a fucking apology. I wouldn't be surprised if another vicious infant was filming it from a pram across the street. Happy slapped by a two-year-old.

I hope they missed the bus.


Lee is unavailable to comment. First time for everything.


CyberPete said...

I was almost kicked down by a 10 year old girl at the supermarket. What I did was get in line right behind her and her mum and said as loud as humanly possible how incredible it is that nobody knows how to bring up their kids properly.

I tell you if looks could kill I'd have been dead on the floor in an instant. Shame on her!

Becky said...

All the best stand-ups will make you laugh all evening and them immediately forget the gags. It's some kind of magical amnesia that's only destroyed by TV, which pickles the jokes in aspic and then everyone knows them and remembers them. Which is why comics avoid using up their material on TV. :-)

Qenny said...

I have been consistently appalled over the last few years by the shift that modern parents seem to have made away from encouraging their offspring to show any sort of respect for other adults, and always defending their kids in every conceivable set of circumstances. It's shameful. But then, I suppose it's partly because so many of the parents become parents when they're still rebellious teenagers, retain a teenage mentality, and pass it on to their sprogs.

I also think it's appalling that you need a licence to have a dog, but all you need to have kids is the right body parts.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I'm sorry to lower the tone, but: Being hit in the face by a baby's arm? It was an actual baby's arm, was it? Not something the size of a baby's arm...?

Apologies, once again.

Qenny: Funny you should mention that. We were only talking about child licenses yesterday at work. Other than infringing on civil liberties etc, I don't see why we don't have them.

St. Dickeybird said...

I've always wondered how we start doing those ridiculous dances. Regular ones I can understand, trying to attract the local drunks, but whoever thought shaking your left leg was sexy???

Will said...

I am familiar with, and quite a fan of, Miss Barr's oeuvre. (That may not be the right word - or even a real word - but I wanted to use it.) I'll have to rifle through my fringe guide and see if the man behind the frock is doing anything in Edinburgh this year.