Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

On The First Day

I'd forgot all the things that go with a new job. The first part of the day when you've got no log-on, no password and no network access, and you have to pretend to strike the balance of 'efficient yet busy' by shuffling back and forth the reams of notes you've been given by jaded colleagues that have been here for years. I call it being a First Day Fraud. And I earned over 200 quid just passing pieces of A4 around in a sharp yet official manner.

In fact if you wear glasses, you will find these becoming invaluable at this point, as you get to take them off, wipe them, and nod sagely at each thing you're pretending to read, while all the time wondering whether you've gotten away with it.

But here you are, parachuted into the middle of a group of people and their politics, their world and 'their mug - keep off!' The 'here's the fax machine, the nine sticks', the 'milk, two sugars for me!', the 'don't mind him, he's like that...', and the 'we get ice-creams on a Friday when it gets over 30 degrees!' Foibles and fancies to assimilate. Computer wallpaper giving little clues to subterranean personalities dimmed by years of office working.

I got introduced to over thirty people in the first day, and studiously noted down their names in my little book. After five I wrote 'the nice one with the legs'; by ten I was rating them by fitness. I still don't know who most of them are, bar the ones who got two ticks and a crude picture of a penis next to them, with space left for a phone number should any office parties go my way.

Speaking of which, by the end of the day I noticed my first bit of inter-office flirting. They haven't done it yet, which is good as he's married. And I think she's may very well be a princess of Lesbania. But it's something to watch when you're not shuffling paper officially, isn't it?


kyknoord said...

It's an unwritten rule of the corporate world that new people get to skive off in the first week. It's that magical time when nobody trusts you to do actual work, so as long as it isn't too blatant, everyone is happy.

mr null said...

Starting a new job is like landing on another planet - and you're never entirely sure if the locals are friends or foes... be careful what you say to these people in your first few days ;-)

First Nations said...

you will do fine. because you ARE fine.
i'm a day late and a dollar short so let me say 'I'm sorry, my darling', for having lost the wife. remember, you are recklessly adored by moi. come on over and we will have a John Waters film festival and read back issues of People and the National Enquirer and try new hair on each other, bitch about men and get drunk on martinis!

The Lady Muck said...

that little book thing is a fantastic idea. I think I'll do that.
If I ever find a job that is.

Snooze said...

Next time I start a new job I'm buying a pair of glasses first. I like your using them as a prop to look alert.

mainja said...

as always you have made me giggle.