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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Swelter

Oh my dear viewers, it's far, far too hot.

London is besieged by the heat; listless sweaty taxi drivers hanging out of their cabs, secretaries with too-big sunglasses clogging up any bit of grass they can find in their lunch hour.

I'm just here in a pair of shorts, barely able to lift the mouse. There's something about the heat that makes a gentleman want to... indulge in those dark desires, ones that'll send you blind and cause hairy palms. I personally can barely muster the energy to lift a mouse, let alone indulge in anything so rigorous. I may resort to lobbing my member through a hole near the door and pretend it's a door-pull. Then ring for a pizza.

Do you know the horrors of being a swarthy, hairy gentleman in this heat? It was EuroPride on the weekend here in our fair city; temperatures were up in the 30s, and several hairy gentlemen actually caught fire when the sunlight was reflected in the sequins of the Gay Lifeboat Association. Apparently it was a fun event; they're still hosing the streets of CK One as we speak.

I elected to stay home and ride it out in my underwear - anything above 28 degrees leaves me sweating like Jessica Simpson in anything close to an actual audition. Leaving the house means dressing up because there's some sort of movement that says that I really shouldn't go outside with my top off, not with a hairy chest.

I did try it once. Next thing I know I've got a tranquiliser dart in the back of the neck, and hearing some wag saying he's caught Bigfoot before I blacked out.

Please... send... ice-cream...

13 comments:

kyknoord said...

What flavour?

Lee said...

Pink. Naturally.

Qenny said...

Shame - I was just about to order you a half-gallon tub of Ben & Jerry's Sasquatch Surprise

Owen Blacker said...

You're a coward and a wuss. You should've come to our picnic, where you'd've been more than welcome to remove clothes and would still have been stunning.

Nothing against my mate Paul (aka "Bear"), but he's substantially more hirsute than you, m'dear. :o)

CyberPete said...

Don't forget those secretaries who wear far too little clothes for their own good.
It might be hot but don't leave that bra at home. Bleugh.

DanProject76 said...

I have seen way too many saggy boobs on the tube today. And the women were almost as bad.

Spike said...

Mmm...Sasquatch Surprise...

Tickersoid said...

During my last night shift it was 32 deg's in my cabin.

No one ever visits at night.

Sometimes, I remove my personal protective equipement.

It's our secret.

Howard said...

Oh you wag.

tornwordo said...

Don't you people have fans over there?

First Nations said...

oh! poor baby!
*fanning vigorously*
there. that better?
poor thing.

savante said...

But hot weather brings out the hot boys in skimpy shorts. Certainly worth celebrating.

Paul

Limehouse Dan said...

Hairy chests are a REASON to take a top off, not keep it on. I walked into a parking sign eyeing up such a chap on Oxford Street during the March. It's good to be grown-up.