Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Dead Stop / Full Steam Ahead

So, shall I recount the innumerable times I've been maneuvering my bags of Diesel goodness through the packed streets of London and I accidentally step on a woman?

Ladies, why do you do it? Why do you just stop dead in a busy street simply because you have seen a nice blouse in a shop window? You are beguiled by fashion, enchanted by frocks to such an extent that you are willing to risk life and limb on a busy capital through-way by halting in a dead stop just to wonder, '...maybe that would fit me...'

Sure that peasant skirt could be fun - maybe even with a kicky little belt just hanging off the hips - but I really don't think you need to examine it in minute detail in the rush hour. Slowly, through increased exposure (such as now, when the autumn/winter fashions are making their debut) I'm gradually beginning to notice the signs in girls walking in front of me; the almost-imperceptible slowing of the step, the sudden glassy quality to the eyes. If you catch it in time, you can move to avoid. But sometimes you can't and you pile into the back of this fashion-addled creature. Who always stirs from her blousey reverie and stares at you like its your fault that you're now ankle-deep in her knock-off Louis Vuitton. Honestly, I ask you.

Although I do have to stick my manicured hand skyward and say that the fairer sex is not alone in this halting in the street. So, you may very well ask, stops men in their tracks? What is the primal trigger that just makes them halt and gawp?

Building sites.

Oh yes. You watch them. One whiff of an articulated crane and a hole in the ground and they're slowing to a crawl to examine every exposed pipe and rubble heap in sage detail. It's quite sweet to watch, actually...

Now, as I'm quite close to the subject, I've been asking myself what on earth it is that stops the 'alternative sexes' in their tracks - or, if we're specifically talking about the Ladies of Lesbos - their Birkenstocks? For the last few days, I've placed a sign outside my house to watch and entrap any same-sex couples wandering by, offering such things as 'free waxing', 'life coaching', 'same-sex couples counseling' and 'Brokeback Mountain Special Edition HERE!'

The one that caused the most trouble was any combination of the three words 'Tickets', 'Free' and 'Madonna'. But before that, all you have to do to stop a gay couple in their tracks is to put an estate agent in a nice area.

And if you want to make a lesbian couple stop like there's a sale on B&Q powertools, simply add 'Comes with free loving cat! Can't take her with us when we move!'

Me? Of course I'm above all this. There's absolutely nothing that can distract me from my tra- ooh! Look! Sequins!



mike said...

Here in Nottingham, it's quite simple: just put a sign in your window saying NEW PRIMARK STORE OPENS TOMORROW. I've just seen it with my own eyes, outside the place that used to be Littlewoods. Thronging, they are. Thronging!

JayMaster said...

'all you have to do to stop a gay couple in their tracks is to put an estate agent in a nice area' - Is that 'estate agent sign' or 'estate agent'? I agree that the hint of new property in a nice suburb, garden, off street parking gets me panting, but it would have to be a particularly delightful estate agent to have the same effect. Jay x

The Lady Muck said...

For me it's shoes. Mmmm. Shoes.

AndyT13 said...

Ha! Sequins! Glittery! The guitar stores get me every time.

Bob said...

Pedestrians are stupid. I've found it to be universal, as I've been overcome by Pedestrian Rage? both here and in NY.

I've taken to caryying a small airhorn a blasting it to clear the way. Still waiting for my ASBO.

CyberPete said...

I agree with Lady Muck.


You walk down the street and there they are. Then you stop and ponder. Do they have those in pink? Would they look good on me?

I could stand there all day. So many shop windows and so little time.

GayProf said...

Tequila -- Sometimes vodka. When it's around and flowing, I will be drawn like a moth to a flame. **sigh** Good times, good times.

Auriel Stone said...

What stops me in my tracks? A sale at a home improvement store! Gimme power tools, baby! ;D

Spike said...

'Book Sale' and 'Martial Arts Tournament Here Saturday' does it for me.

Qenny said...

Building sites are also known to stop gay men in their tracks, as well as straight ones. Just not for the same reasons. And only ever during summer, when the tasty young muscly builders have their shirts off.

First Nations said...


the one up in Surrey is heaving with tasty sisters and bodacious babes!

not that i've noticed *ahem*

Wanton Wonton said...

i know why. you see, some something sparkly... :::stares with mouth agape at sparkly trinklet:::

Spaceminx said...

All you need to stop us lezzers in our tracks are a picture of Angelina Jolie and a turkey baster... I mean seperately... though both together could work too.

Kissaki said...

I'm distracted by sparkly things.

I'm like a magpie