Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Faster Pussycat KILL KILL

The Pussycat Dolls must be destroyed.

Don't get me wrong: as a fully paid-up member of the Homosethual Brigade (we're like the Fire Brigade, but our siren goes 'OooooooOOOOOOooooo!' and we only turn up for when there's danger of a Bake Sale going up, or when Farrah Fawcett goes too near an open flame) there's nothing I like more than going into company meetings with a girl group on my pencil case. It shows my allegiance to pop. It shows my air of professionalism. It shows that I can hold court, produce valuable work, and still suck on the end of my Cheryl Girls Aloud pen. Multi-tasking, that's what that is.

But these Pussycat Dolls. A more useless bunch of ravening maenads I have never seen, swooping around a right into our Pop Engines like six cawing birdstrikes. Why? Why are they here? They're not even a proper girl group as there's no fair division of labour: there appears to be one singer that the rest just maypole around her, doing that jiggy-jiggy thing with their flat backsides that looks utterly ridiculous on a white girl. It doesn't look so much as 'down with the kids', more 'shaken by a British nanny'.

Even Girls Aloud divides the workload evenly, and their almost a member down with Nicola being a there. She's the one you can't help but watch and go 'bless...' rather like the simple child at the wedding. Yes, even she gets a solo now and again.

So, tell me this. Why have they started advertising for a seventh member? And more importantly, why is this search for the next talent-vacuum going to be cluttering up my TV schedules? A whole series about the Next Pussycat Doll Member - woo.

Maybe it's to cover the talented one if she wants to go on holiday or, heaven forefend, has a nasty fall off her high heels and leaves her with her femur poking out of her leg. With no-one to go 'Hi, we're the Pussycat Dolls!' while the others gurn and mug behind her on channel linking materials, perhaps the group would simply shrivel up like a spider on a barbecue.

But. If the job is just staring at the camera with sexual intent, then turning away with a vicious hair-flick, why don't they just get a temp in? Its not hard. Even Nicola from Girls Aloud could -

Never mind.


Ian Betteridge said...

I know far, far too much about the Pussycat Dolls (or, as we fans say, PCD). Such as they started out as a burlesque troop, and that only Nicole sings, and that they're all salaried employees of their record company.

I can't wait for "Search for the next Pussycat Doll".

Lee said...

Yes girls, Ian's straight!

Chris C said...

Oh dear. They started out as a burlesque group (i.e. as strippers) and none of them could sing. So they dragged in a J-lo-esque singer who distracted from the red-haired member's poorly reconstructed hair-lip and bonyness. And she's leaving, so they need a new one.

You are of course correct. Like syphillis, PussyCat Dolls are a scourge that should be wiped out.

Rob said...

They have only done one decent thing: using a chunk of Siobhan Fahey's "Bitter Pill" in their version of "Hot Stuff".

Well, the poor old girl needs the royalties, bless her.

Other than that the Pussycat Dolls can fuck right off.

Loving the term "ravening maenads" by the way. I'm so stealing that.

CyberPete said...

So it's the male pussycat doll that's leaving? Hmm.

What's really funny is that the ones that don't sing, can sort of a dance but the singer can't. It's painful.

I agree, the pussycat dolls must be destroyed. POWERBOY to the rescue!

Howard said...

Damn, and I'd booked them in to sing you "Happy Birthday." It's a bit late to cancel now!

Just Call Me Fabulous said...

The title of this post had me about dying laughing. I don't really listen to any of that crap, it rots my brains.