Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Glitter for Brains At The Movies: Superman Returns!

We go so you don't have to!

And on the fifth day, I went to see Superman Returns. I didn't like it:


SUPERMAN RETURNS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

THE AUDIENCE:
Ok. Tell us why we'll like this film.

BRYAN SINGER:
Every frame will be polished! Every person will look gorgeous! Every scene will finish will a pan back from the action to a beautiful and elaborate CGI shot! You'll love it What I'm doing is bringing the 70s matinee films back to the masses!

THE AUDIENCE:
So have the characters changed?

BRYAN SINGER:
The characters are steeped in history. You can't change them.

THE AUDIENCE:
So the story is a modern retelli-

BRYAN SINGER:
Well, I thought the first film was so good than we'd do that again.

THE AUDIENCE:
So, all you've done is tell exactly the same story with new CGI effects?

BRYAN SINGER:
Ah. Um.

BRYAN SINGER looks SHIFTY.

Anyway!
The TITLES RUN.
They are EXACTLY the same as THE OTHER FILMS, including the music. Only with more CGI POLISH and THX SOUND.

KEVIN SPACEY:
Ahaha! Campy campy campy. I shall base my performance on Sir Ian McKellen's panto dame from my very own Old Vic, and Rock Hudson smarmy businessman in Pillow Talk.

THE AUDIENCE:
Ha! Of course we know what they had in common.

KEVIN SPACEY:
What?

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh nothing.

KEVIN SPACEY flounces off and INHERITS MILLIONS. THE AUDIENCE, whereas, are more interested in PARKER POSEY. Because she's not trying AS HARD. And has more than TWO DIMENSIONS TO HER CHARACTER.

PARKER POSEY:
Aw, what a nice dog!

THE AUDIENCE:
(pointedly) Doesn't it look like Kevin Spacey was 'walking' when he 'met' that nice skinhead on Clapham Common!

KEVIN SPACEY looks SHIFTY.

Meanwhile, BRANDON ROUTH returns to EARTH. He spends the time looking FLAWLESS and MOPING AROUND so he can remember in FLASHBACK becoming SUPERMAN. This doesn't include allegedly blowing BRYAN SINGER, but basically where they condense SMALLVILLE down into FIFTEEN SECONDS. This is PLEASING as you can't get a SLOW-MOTION TEENAGE ANGST ROCK-BALLAD MONTAGE in that short a time.

BRANDON returns to work at THE DAILY PLANET. Even comedy sidekick SAM HUNTINGTON is a PORELESS, BEAUTIFUL CREATION. THE AUDIENCES teeth now have that feeling like they've drunk too much cherryaid, and are coated in a TART, SACCHARINE SURFACE.

MEANWHILE, somewhere, somehow, an EXPENSIVE CGI CATASTROPHE is unfolding. And KATE BOSWORTH is involved. Oddly the CATASTROPHE is not her NASTY HAIRPIECE she is wearing, which looks she's SCALPED A GIRL'S WORLD MAKE-UP DOLL and elastic-banded it to her head, but a PLANE falling OUT OF CONTROL! You know the one - the bit that's in all the TRAILERS.

BRANDON takes to the skies in a flurry of JOHN WILLIAMS MUSIC, before we PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.

On the PLANE, KATE'S SEATBELT has FAILED. She's thrown against the rear of the BULKHEAD with a force that would have KILLED a lesser human. Thankfully, her THREE-PLY WOOLLEN HAT that's masquerading as HAIR seems to absorb most of the IMPACT, and she is FINE.

After we PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT, BRANDON guides the PLANE down onto a BASEBALL FIELD. You can practically HEAR all the AMERICANS in the cinema audience STANDING UP and singing the NATIONAL ANTHEM IN TEARS.

(THE REST OF) THE AUDIENCE:
Considering they spent all this money CGI-ing out Brandon's flaws, they could have gotten rid of that wig line going across Bosworth's forehead. Look at it! It looks like the top of her bonce is going to flip up and open in a swift gust!

MEANWHILE, back at THE DAILY PLANET:

FRANK LANGELLA:
Look at these shots! They're iconic! They're great! And they were shot on a cameraphone by a kid!

THE AUDIENCE:
A cameraphone with an SLR lens and 60 megapixel imagery by the look of it.

FRANK LANGELLA:
Oh shut up. We're only doing this scene so we can crowbar in the 'Is it a bird, is it a plane...' joke.

THE AUDIENCE:
Sigh. Carry on.

We PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.


MEANWHILE, KEVIN SPACEY is in his LIBRARY. Which happens to be on a BOAT so we can PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT as often as possible.

KEVIN SPACEY:
(throwing books around) It must be here!

PARKER POSEY:
What is it, darling? The way to defeat Brandon?

KEVIN SPACEY:
My motivation! There! Must! Be! Something! Do you know why I'm trying to defeat the Man of Steel? Do you? You must know - your character's more fleshed out than mine!

PARKER POSEY:
I dunno, hon. (files nails) Why did Lex Luthor in the previous film try to destroy him?

KEVIN SPACEY:
...because he could..?

PARKER POSEY:
Well there ya go, honey! Just go with that! I'm now off to some things. Like crying and laughing and all sorts of character things. You just stay here and do some monotonous shouting. Bless you.

MEANWHILE, we haven't had an EFFECTS-LADEN SET-PIECE for a while, so all of a sudden there is a ROBBERY.
TWO PEOPLE are about to be SHOT - but BRANDON SAVES IT JUST IN TIME!
THE CROOKS are about to GET AWAY - but BRANDON GETS THEM JUST IN TIME!
Every time SOMETHING MAJOR is about to happen, BRANDON SAVES THEM JUST IN TIME. It is HORRIBLY PREDICTABLE.

But then BRANDON is shot in the EYE by a CROOK. It BOUNCES OFF.

BRYAN SINGER:
There! That's addressed that little argument people have had for years!

THE AUDIENCE:
We can't hear you!

BRYAN SINGER:
Is John Williams' old music cues too loud?

THE AUDIENCE:
No! We just can't hear for the fanboys wanking themselves to death in the back row.

Meanwhile, CUT TO KATE BOSWORTH'S KITCHEN. Which is SPOTLESS as she barely looks like she's EATEN ANYTHING SOLID since 1987 and is a DEAD CERT for any lead role in a CARPENTERS BIOPIC.

JAMES MARSDEN:
I love you, Kate Bosworth and your bizarrely absent backside. And when you stand in flourescent light, your hair looks like its cordoury. Everything you do I am entirely understanding of. This means the audience will love me and still be understanding of your love for Brandon.

KATE bends over the KITCHEN SURFACE. There is a sound like a RUSTY HINGE.

KATE BOSWORTH:
Thank you, James Marsden. I'm just popping outside for a sneaky cigarette. This is symbolic as it shows my life has gone bad since Brandon went away, and that I'm also adept at keeping secrets from you.

JAMES MARSDEN:
Sheesh, that's laboured.

KATE BOSWORTH:
You wait until we do the fly-past on the house.

She EXITS. And goes to LIGHT UP.

This is when the MOST SURPRISING THING happens in the movie: BRANDON ROUTH wanders into a BAD PATCH OF LIGHTING.

THE AUDIENCE:
He has pores! He has bags under his eyes! He's real!

BRYAN SINGER:
Shit! Er, look at this..!

We PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.
Then PAN BACK.

KATE BOSWORTH:
Brandon! Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me? Was the world becoming too much for you?

BRANDON ROUTH:
(kindly) No, it was simply as we had absolutely no screen chemistry together at all. Look at us. My character can't lie, can't do anything but look good and simper at you. And you're barely able to hear anything I say with that yak's pelt on your head.

KATE BOSWORTH:
Can we go flying anyway?

They FLY. KATE'S HAIR DOESN'T MOVE.
They slowly pass KATE'S HOUSE, where her family and life are. She turns to the HOUSE. She slowly turns to BRANDON. She slowly turns to the HOUSE. She slowly turns to BRANDON. She slowly turns to-

THE AUDIENCE:
We get it already! She's got to make a choice!

BRYAN SINGER:
Sorry.

We PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.

MEANWHILE, KEVIN SPACEY is back CRUISING. With a LITTLE DOG.
On his BOAT, we'd like to stress.

KEVIN SPACEY:
I've got it! I'll blow something up to give me character! Yes! Goodbye USA, hello Spaceyville! A land populated by beautiful people having fun and walking their dog at ANY time of night! Think Gran Canaria without the hideous shopping mall! But not gay. No, not gay at all.

KATE BOSWORTH:
Ah, I have stowed away on your boat and now know your evil scheme. That was clearly thought of on the back of a fag packet in a lunch hour. Which is fine, and I respect that, because your character was obviously jotted down on the accompanying match-book. Now I, and my lovely screen son, have stowed on board to expose your evil scheme!

TRISTAN LAKE LEABU:
Mummy! One of the evil man's wigs is missing!

KATE BOSWORTH looks SHIFTY.

KEVIN SPACEY:
Ah! A foil! I capture you, Kate Bosworth and your annoyingly cute screen son, in order to force an end to this meandering picture!

He sets his PLAN IN MOTION. All of a sudden, METROPOLIS IS IN DANGER!
A SIGN falls from a BUILDING - but BRANDON SAVES IT JUST IN TIME!
Some PIPES are about to EXPLODE - but BRANDON SAVES IT JUST IN TIME!
Someone FALLS from a BUILDING - but BRANDON SAVES THEM JUST IN TIME!

The whole thing is HORRIBLY REPETITIVE, so we PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh for god's sake, will this ever end?

So BRANDON arrives on SPACEY ISLAND. In between the 'Bed Bath and Beyond' outlet and a charming bar called 'The Man Hole'. They FIGHT. But lo! BRANDON is weakened by KRYPTONITE - like we didn't think that was going to happen - and KEVIN SPACEY almost WINS.

But then! Slowly! BRANDON ROUTH slowly gets BACK HIS POWER and FIGHTS BACK, and TRIUMPHS.

The whole thing is HORRIBLY PREDICTABLE, so we PAN BACK from the ACTION to a BEAUTIFUL AND ELABORATE CGI SHOT.

THE AUDIENCE:
Is that it?

BRYAN SINGER:
Wait - I'll give you a tacked-on campy scene with Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey on a desert island!

THE AUDIENCE:
But... the ending..? It's really just... well.

BRYAN SINGER:
It's how they did it in the old glorious films back in the 70s!

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh for goodness sake. We've evolved since then. And that bit on the beach at the end - was that really Spacey, Posey and that little dog?

BRYAN SINGER:
Yes, why?

THE AUDIENCE:
Not sure. It was just a tiny, bedraggled, wet-looking mop. We were just wondering what had happened to Kate's wig...


THE END.

19 comments:

coolbuddha said...

Oh pooh. You've gone and given away the ending. Bless you for that. That's £8.50 saved - which by a strange coincidence is the price of a bottle of Gin.

CyberPete said...

Although it sounds like a dreadful movie, I'll probably end up watching it next week.. I did with the Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Qenny said...

Ah - marvellous. You're a treasure. Now I really don't feel the need. You've seen it, you've shared, and now I don't have to. Thank you!

The Lady Muck said...

Another slice of polished film criticery... And wholly accurate, but much more enjoyable than it's subject.

Da Nator said...

You've got it spot on. I don't know why Hollywood hasn't hired you to re-write their blockbusters, yet.

Gareth said...

As someone who doesn't go to the cinema I heart your film reviews as they justify my abti-socila behaviour.

Snooze said...

I was thinking like coolbuddha of how much $$$ you've saved me with this review and with others. You should really start charging for this wisdom and insight.

Miss T said...

I actually liked the movie solely because of the perve factor. Supermand and his little henchman with the video camera. But that aside, why does Clark always have to be such a pussy?

Miss T said...

mmm. Typo in the above. I blame my hardened talons.

Spike said...

What CoolBuddha and Lady Muck said.

Also, CyberPete, yes but Pirates has Johnny Depp so there's no comparison.

Jemima said...

Much better than my review, *sniff*. Eternal gratitude for explaining why I wanted Lois to die. It was the 'hair'. Hurrah.

mr null said...

Er - I downloaded it 'cause I thought it would be poo. It was alright though..

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I wish I'd seen your version instead of the cinema one. I must agree with Miss H about one thing, though - the (not so) little henchman with the video camera. I think the scene where his clothes inexplicably fall off must have been deleted...

OMG! WV is 'cwiksqrt'

CyberPete said...

Well Spike, like Haversham said there is still a perv factor. THere has been so much talk about the bulge. Got to check that out. In Pirates all you saw was a bit of Blooms lovely back.

Yes Lee again you've created a master piece! Kudos to you.

Spike said...

Yers. That's the trouble with costume fillums. Not enough nekkid.

savante said...

Hey, I was one of the fanboys wanking at the back :P

Paul

Scott said...

Oh Lee, why must you make me love you? You're an ocean away!

GayProf said...

I love it when you go to the movies.

MQ said...

I too love it when you go to the movies. More please!