Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Look Of Love

Well, personally, I don't think it's at all wrong for dumping a man simply for the face he pulled at the moment of orgasm.

Callous, moi? Never! I'm simply into the more aesthetic things of this world. And if a gentleman is going to look like an emerging turtle after someone's stuck a lit firework up the back part of their shell, surely you too would be dreading the eventual moment when they're going to crop-spray their sticky-white love up your hoop? I know I was, so after a few 'turtle-moments' he was firmly told to sling his hook.

Or more correctly, I stopped returning his calls and hid from him when he came in the bar.

Oh yes, I'm all class, me.

Ah, the male orgasm face. Not a pretty thing. I find that it's best to have a bit of a 'dry run' as it where, you can't do much wrong by spotting a sex-face is down the gym. Clearly I'm being male-centric here; so far I've never seen a lady tossing her head back in utter ecstasy on the rowing machine. Well, not without a bag of Galaxy Minstrels clasped in her hand anyway, But the men - every time they lift something, you get an odd glimpse into their bedroom happy-face. All that grunting and straining, panting and - oh, the eyes! The eyes! We're not a pretty breed when we're about to chuck our muck, are we?


Anyway, the most criminal thing about the cum-face? Well, let me tell you a story: I recently managed to pursued a Very Attractive Man into bed. Very attractive. All muscles and everything (I can now hear my Tragically Single Friend Gertie howling in anguish) but there was one thing wrong with him. As he was reaching the moment of happiness, his face started to contort. The eyes became wide, the mouth became pinched. Somehow - somehow - his face turned into that of Jack Black in the Natcho Libre poster.

Well, what's a girl to do when you all of a sudden you find a wide-eyed Jack Black on top of you, pummelling away to a happy finish with all the finesse of a steam-train?

Well, there's only one thing I could do! I told him to stop, that I wasn't a fan of any comic actor trying to make it as a serious thespian, and kindly showed him the door.

Not really. Grin.

(removes blindfold and wipes chest)

16 comments:

surly girl said...

oi! jack black is gorgeous.

mind you, i've never seen his...happy face.

Qenny said...

Jack Black. Yup, that would put me off. Ugly and talentless, to boot. How on earth does that man have a career? There is no justice in this world.

Naturally, I'm typing this some time after recovering from the hilarity induced by crop-spraying their sticky-white love up your hoop, and the delightful compound verb to chuck one's muck.

Oh, Lee, you are a one, you.

CyberPete said...

I hope you threw Gertie a bone.

Letting a perfectly good piece of meat go to waste like that is just wrong. This is where my mums economic sense comes up in me. Never waste a good piece of meat just because it has one ugly side. Your chop liver might be someone elses stew.

First Nations said...

I'm always reminded of the Incredible Hulk when he flexes, grits his teeth and makes that 'rrrRRARRRR! sound.
the beauty of this experience only surpassed by prince charming cutting a huge fart at the moment of release.
ah romance.

Perry Neeham said...

I never knew why Viz's 'Fat Slags' described the last few seconds precending ejaculation as the vinegar strokes until I swallowed a centimetre or so of Sarson's finest in a tumbler thinking it was whisky.

Lee said...

See, Amopodex? That story's far better than mine!

tornwordo said...

Glad to see you back on the (ahem) horse. (I guess the feed isn't working, I thought you had been taking a break. I'm catching up now.)

Niles said...

Wasn't Jack Black played by Brad Pit?

Anyway, this has to be one of the better things about being short-sighted.

AndyT13 said...

Howling! That's classic. I think of that everytime I'm at the gym. You want a towel with that, you 180 lb dumbell, you?

Vinegar stroks?! RIOT!

Spinsterella said...

Yes, I have dumped a guy for precisely that reason.

Just at that moment, his contorted face looked like a pineapple. Most off-putting.

Tom Williams said...

Apparently I look very hot while getting fucked. Though I don't know about my orgasm face - I'm vain, but not quite enough so to masturbate in front of a mirror.

MR J TO YOU PLOISE said...

Call me fabulous, but I have just spent the majority of the day reading your blog. You are a seriously funny bugger, thanks for all the laughs, I will keep reading with relish. BTW, we all look fabulous before we chuck the muck...

Tinder Madwulf said...

Hilarious...what an image. Makes me really glad I'm a dyke!

Tickersoid said...

Do I really need to know all these sordid details?

The answer may well be yes.

The Lady Muck said...

mmmm minstrels... What were you saying? ;)

Tom Gaylord said...

lol more sex shenanigans ploise:)