Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

On The Run

There's something oddly decadent about waking up on your birthday covered in someone else's 'coughed yoghurt', wouldn't you say?

Oh yes. I'd almost completely forgot that I'd notched up another year. To be honest, I'm too busy notching up the bedposts - I tell, any more this week and the whole thing will be matchsticks. I was only reminded by a card being popped through from my mother - it had puppies on and sang so clearly I threw it across the room. I retrieved it ten minutes later to shut it up, and with the vain hope that she was now senile and thought I was fifteen again and popped a fiver in there. Well! The cost of BodyShop Tea Tree Scrub ain't cheap, I'll have you know! But no such luck, although there was a note saying 'I saw this and I thought of you. Because you'll hate it.' And, you know what, she was right. Bless her little greying head.

I also had something in my slot from perennial homosethual dating site 'Gaydar, Gaydar and Sons' saying 'our records show that it may be your birthday. So wishing you kind regards'. How terribly mechanical of it all! Is this what life has come to - getting birthday wishes from a site for touching boys? Welcome to the wooooooooooorld of tomorrow!

What wasn't added was 'hope you see your new year in with a bang!' but in a rather callous move, concluded with an advert for their Premiere membership - whatever that may be. They keep advertising it, but details are sketchy. Does it mean you get to have a go on the more attractive members of the site that are normally out of your league? Or you get an ordinary member but they're willing to pick up a pizza at no extra cost.

Someone else make the joke about 'a twelve inch meat feast with a bit of cheese on the top' will you - I've been drinking since I opened that card... God, 31. You can sense I'm slowly becoming invisible to the Gentlemen Who Can't Catch. A society so obsessed with age and beauty; above a certain vintage, you simply become the Schrodinger's Cat of the gay scene. You may or may not exist to everyone else. You can buy drinks fine, but no-one will talk to you.

Hang on. Isn't 31 the age that people are killed in Logan's Run? Someone send me Jenny Agguter - I'm going over the fence!


Imogen said...

Yeah, I'm twenty today and I am not, as such, happy about it. I mean, twenty feels old- proved by the fact this year I have recieved no singing cards, no gift vouchers for New Look (yes, I know. Bless their misguided selves) but have recieved £50 worth of vouchers for Marks and Spencers.
Which is a first.

And this morning I woke up on a plane covered by 'overflow' from my fat neighbour, who couldn't keep all her excess weight on her side of the arm rest.
Which is also a first.

Not decadent like you, but... what?

First Nations said...

my father in law is 81. his first day in his new apartment he bagged the cable guy, and i know this because i busted them.
i mean, ew, not walked in on or anything, but, yeah.
eighty one.

thats my birthday present to you, darling. as always, i adore you recklessly.
XOO fn

Lippy said...

Happy birthday sweetie,

31 - pah a mere child!

I Love London - Honest! said...


31 is nothing. It's the start of The Good Years And Even Better Fucks.

You just wait and see.

Happy Birthday, sex kitten :)

Bob said...

31?!?! Key-rist that is old. There's nothing left to do but have a vokda with someone much much older.

Let me know when you're legs are back on the ground and you're ready for a cocktail.


ViVi said...

'Appi Birzdai darling, and here's hoping you are surrounded by plenty of candlesticks to blow on -er- out!

Nate The Great said...

Someone told me that 30 was when they really started living their life.. so fro the next year and change I'll be holding my breath waiting to see what happens when I hit the big 3-0. Well holding my breath and applying vast ammounts of moisturizer

Tom Williams said...

Just describe yourself as "pushing thirty" and not mention from which direction you're pushing it.

And happy birthday. Come out soon and let me buy you a drink or several. :)

Logan said...

31 is manly and attractive. I'd still hit it.

Happy belated, kiddo.

Spike said...

What Logan said. And a ox on singing cards.

Spike said...

That should be a pox on singing cards, sod it.

Jemima said...

I'd vowed to hit 31 with more dignity and less wailing than the way I behaved toward 30. You've caused me to question this approach.

Many happy returns and much youthfully mature joy.

CyberPete said...

I considered booking Geri to sing you 'happy birthday'. It's not like she's doing anything else but she doesn't seen to be returning my calls.

Happy birthday Lee. You are a mere spring chicken (he said hoping it would apply to him as well when he hits the big 3-1)

Limehouse Dan said...

Dearest Glittah,

I'm 33 and outstanding. It's only those Bar Rupert boyz who think we get invisible after 30. Those chaps who give mutually satisfying sexual encounters don't give a damn.

So get out there and get blown. And let's start looking for those rent boys who'll push us about in our bath chairs.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Welcome to 31. Another invisible friend. Yay!

Sorry I missed the actual day but, belatedly: Happy Birthday!

JP said...

Nobody is sexy 'til they pass 30 honey; enjoy.

Snooze said...

Happy belated Lee! You will always be fabulous. Don't fret - that causes wrinkles.

Erinna said...

Happy birthday Lee...I just hit 32, and am finding my 30s infinitely better than my 20s.

Wishing you fabulousness! :)

Cezi said...

Happy Birthday look just fabulous for 31 I would never had guessed. Kisses.

Jimster said...

I've had more (ahem) 'partners' in the last eight months than I had in my first six years of being 'at it'. And I bet it's still a lower figure than your last month ;-)

My twenties were rubbish and I couldn't wait to get rid of them. The thing about being in your twenties is, you think you should know everything by then, but in fact you know absolutely nothing. This is the reason why the 16-24 age group is the most-targetted by advertisers. They know nothing and so are more likely to buy crap they don't need.

Not like when you're in your thirties, when you absolutely *need* that limited edition action figure of Billie Piper. Nah, being in your (early) thirties is wonderful.

Dear Glitter-for-brains, you're so fabulous, you still have enough energy to do all this sex... thing, still have the power to attract gentelemen callers like wasps to a beer garden and still have enough dress sense to know that you can get away with stripes, while so many of us simply cannot.

(raises glass)

Many happy returns (or as we used to say in the old days, 'hope you can still get your 10p deposit back on that bottle').

Spinsterella said...

It took me getting on for five years to get over my ex.

Clearly, I've got a lot to learn...

(Happy birthday - I'm 31 as well, it ain't so bad)

Spaceminx said...

Good god I'm late to this one. A very happy birthday Lee even if it is somewhat belated. And here's to more days covered in someone's 'Dirty Danone'.