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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The White Swan After A Break Up

First thing you should do after you split up with someone is Get Out There according to all of my friends. This seems to involve going and standing in a bar while all your mates nudge you, going 'Ooh, look at him. He's nice' while you ponder Dark Thoughts about how many bacteria there is in the ice in your drink and whether any of them are fatal.

So off we went to The White Swan on Saturday, a spit-and-sawdust place (or 'spit-and-swallow' if you wandered into the wrong cubicle in the loos) down in the East End. Where they had a stripper on, who came on as a cowboy.

'Hello,' thought I. It's a well known fact I do like a bit of wild west action, but my suddenly hardening ardor stumbled at the first hurdle when he took his hat off: clearly he'd taken the cowboy theme too far and made his skin look like an old leather saddle with eyes.

Most strippers in this country follow this pattern: come on for three songs, smother themselves with that milky-looking baby oil, smack their engorged members (that they've been banging against the dressing room sink before tying an knot in it) around the face of some bunny-in-a-headlights gay and then get off-stage before the maddening crowd realize that he's wearing a wedding ring and just doing this so he can get his peroxide witch of a girlfriend a brand new hair straightener.

But yes, these three songs he was on for were what I took against. Well, that and his nasty wedge haircut we haven't seen since the likes of Bronski Beat when he finally took off his hat. The first was a Shania Twain remix. Ok, you're coming on trying to get a crowd whipped up into a foaming frenzy. You want the boys to love you, and the women - well, you want their neathers so moist it would be like sticking your hand in a bag of slugs. What you don't want to be doing is coyly flashing your snake-like Womb-Broom around while Shania wails 'That Don't Impress Me Much' do you now? It just seems daft.

Then we had the theme from Big Brother (?!) while he whipped off his chaps (or shed his skin on his legs, you couldn't tell as it was all the same texture). And then onto the finale, the climax if you will, as he started whirling his Love Musket around like a windmill, spraying the front row with baby oil.

And what did he play while all this was going on?

Girls Aloud's 'Jump'.

A paragon of sexual energy, I'm sure you'll agree. And rule number one when you're stripping in front of a group of drunken homothexuals, never play gay pop songs that are more interesting than your act. En masse, we just started dancing, like Pavlov's Gay Dogs.

And after the final verse, we all turned around to see he'd gone. Bless.


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By the way, thank you for all the emails and comments of support. You lot are lovely.

16 comments:

Qenny said...

Sounds like a good night out, but also, the poor man probably didn't get paid, because unless I misread, he missed out the obligatory scene where he squirts canned cream on his nooh-nah and then gets someone to lick it off whilst they hide behind a towel and he simulates ramming his love-sausage down their throat.

What might he have been thinking when selecting his musical accompaniment:

That don't impress me much: The crowd will think "I'm not impressed, and won't be 'til you get your kit off"

Big Brother - "Oh, he's got his kit off, and isn't he BIG" (forget the possibly incestuous overtones introduced by the other word in the title)

Jump - Owmigawd, if he shoved that huge thing in me I think I'd ... Jump.

Lovely to see you back on such glittering form, too.

Pam said...

Now what about your mother and the firemen ?

Lee said...

Oh I can't be fagged with that story. She met some firemen, rode in the engine. The end. Its a mini adventure!

mike said...

Ooh no, can't be doing with "professional" strippers. The Wednesday night *amateur* strip nights down the White Swan are much, much more fun. (More so when Candy's on; less so when Sophie-with-the-teeth's on. Sorry, but this is one of my very few areas of expertise.)

First Nations said...

im sorry, but the 'whirling love musket' image made me crack up so hard that i find i've pissed myself a little and now i must change my knickers.

oh yes, you're back!

DanProject76 said...

The last time I went to That White Swan Michael Barrymore licked my face and invited us all back to his place. This was years before his pool part that went horribly wrong but we still knew it would have been a very very bad thing indeed.

robert said...

honey - I remeber faboulous moments in the White Swan .... ah - the yester years -- hang in there - it'll happen .........eventaully....

Sam said...

Oh i've been in the audience of one of the very tasteful white swan strip nights as well...and very glad i was standing at the back taking the piss with a mate of mine when the baby oil started being sprayed onto the front row :) glad to see you are getting 'out' there :)

Perry Neeham said...

Sad to hear that pub strippas aren't doing something a little more 21st century, y'know, interactive - if you want him to take his shreddies off press the red button NOW.

Personally I'm still in mourning for Regina Fong. *sniff*

AndyT13 said...

That don't impress me much? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear how unfortunate... Glad to hear you're going out at least. Sitting about with a plastic bag over your head and an electrical cord around your neck ain't gonna get you laid. Take it from me. No, really. Take it.

Limehouse Dan said...

Good to see you getting out there and having fun, Mistress Glitter. Nothing you'd find me doing...

Chris C said...

I've just watched V for Vendetta and I imagine you to be very much like the masked hero of the film. Not all pussy and burned, but charming, refined and well spoken. And his mask's facial expression resembled yours in your blog picture.

Sorry if that seems incredibly random and strange, particularly for a first comment, but it's meant in a complimentary way.

Good to see you're back on form. Take care!

Snooze said...

I could almost smell the crotch sweat and cheap cologne that must have accompanied the stripper you describe.

Tom Gaylord said...

lol shania twain remix!

it reminds me of the enormous black man who sang at my sister's wedding - he opened his mouth and was a mezzo soprano i nearly died laughing

Miss Cellania said...

I was confused for a minute, because the White Swan is a five-star international hotel in Guangzhou (formerly Canton) where I stayed a few years ago. Your story is funnier!

emily garnhart said...

I found your blog interesting and useful. I added your blog to my favorites and i will come to visit again tomorrow. I have a blog about how to get him back after a break up :)