Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Frock and Roll

So, Cher announces that she's going to be auctioning off her dresses to the great unwashed, and I get thirty messages rammed into my in-box from 'concerned friends' emailing me to "hie my tight, firm ass over to eBay at once!"

God, I love being an easy-to-label cliche.

And having a tight, firm ass.

The thing is, I've known for a while. For the last two weeks the daft old android's been coming over our house with armfuls of glittering rags in the hope we'd take them down the Sally Army for her, the lazy cow; we said she'd get enough for a brand new X-Box 360 if she actually auctioned them off. At which point her eyes lit up (literally) and Sotherby's were promptly called.

The thing is, you're not getting much, well, value for money when it comes to her dresses. Remember that outfit from her 'If I Could Turn Back Time' video? Two bits of black masking tape with a few sequins on it? Or the opener outfit from her Farewell tour - two bits of string and some diamonds? Or the one from her Vegas show - two pieces of dental floss and a handful of glitter? At least they're going to be easy to get home - you can probably fit most of them in that little pocket you have for your locker key on the inside of your bathing trunks.

Although. Be thankful we talked her out of auctioning off what was in the other box she brought over. When I pulled out what looked like a novelty pink pencil sharpener and questioned what it was, it turned out she was thinking of selling off all those bits she's had chopped off her immaculate body and replaced with the same material Barbie's are made of.

"Oh come on," she buzzed. "That nose is so 1986. It looks like Sonny's.After the accident," she added, despite my glares.

9 comments:

AndyT13 said...

Hahahah! Priceless! Glad to have you back!

Becky said...

Is there a mid-nineties mint Vocoder in there?

"Do you beliEEEve in life after love?"

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I read the 'pink pencil sharpener' bit earlier today and got completely the wrong end of the stick - I assumed it was to alter he nose or something. I've just read it again and see that, in actual fact, the 'pink pencil sharpener' is a body part. A womanly body part at that!

D'OH!

Vampire Librarian said...

If you do get something, will you gift us with pictures? We might even pool our money if you promise.

CyberPete said...

If you sport the two bits of string and some diamonds outfit in a photo I'd join the pool...

Lippy said...

Don't let them tempt you dear - after 30 sequins and chiffon are terribly aging, just remember "Shirley Bassey!"

Have just booked myself a four night stay at The Hoxton for my next filming gig, I am going to die of trendy child exposure aren't I????

MR J TO YOU PLOISE said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MR J TO YOU PLOISE said...

Lee, I'm assuming you purchased at least one garment and that you'll be modelling it online for us all, please? ASAP...

xx

GayProf said...

No, I think that I will wait untel they auction off Shelley Winters' clothes.