Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

No Good Advice

My mother's a wise old bird.

Well, for 'wise' read 'mostly drunk' and for 'old bird' read 'old bird that can still get her legs over her head at fifty whenever there's an Elvis impersonator in the building'. I'm not saying it's a bad thing; I'm saying that when it comes to her and myself, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

She's been marvelous about my recent break-up, enchewing the touchy-feely approach that some of my friends have tried for handing me a bottle of wine and saying 'get pissed and cry it all out, love'. In fact the only 'touchy-feely approach' she's gone down is to get me a facial when I visited, reasoning I may as well look fabulous with a brand new face when I was out carousing gentlemen callers. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the places I normally get men lately are too dark to see anyone's face, but I loved her thinking anyway.

And while I was there, she gave me some relationship advice that was uncommonly sage - certainly for her. So I thought I'd pass it on to you lot.

1. You'd Better Laugh.
The moment your chosen paramour stops making you giggle with joy is the moment you have to get out of there. She told me a brilliant story about my uncle and aunty - now sadly divorced. Each week they would go shopping, and each week he would put the eggs at the top of the bag, so when he opened the boot of the car when they arrived home, they fell out and smashed. My aunty found this hilarious.

My mother asked her about it four months later, expecting more tales of egg-related fun, and the rant about him she received in return made her hair curl (or that was some nasty home perm kit - I forget, it was the eighties...) My aunty hated him for it. Loathed him. And it is this, when writ large in your relationship, is when you should be getting out.

2. Always Aim Higher.
There's no point settling on someone who's the same (or heaven forefend, worse) than the person you've just split up with. If you're with someone on the rebound, watch out. It can work out, but make sure they are the upgrade because those same old reasons will stick out their ugly heads. Come on, you know it.

3. And Never Trust A Man In Sandals.
Speaks for itself, really.


CyberPete said...

She's a wise one that mother of yours. Especially that third one.

Bob said...

You fancy Elvis impersonaters?

hendrix said...

my mum gave me the "never trust a man in sandals" piece of advice too. Must say she was right. Thing she didn't tell me (but bitter experience has shown to be true) is never trust a man who only has three letters in his name. (er sorry Bob)

Tom Gaylord said...

I'm wearing sandals right now, self loathing setting in....

Inexplicable DeVice said...

That's exactly why I don't trust Jesus!

Dantallion said...

slips cliché but stylish Birkenstocks off feet

What they hell. They didn't match my tie anyway.

Gareth said...

The only thing my exes but one have in common is that they are all either acoholics or on the borderline. I think that by the time number three came along I shoyuld have realized the danger signs.

Needless to say I ignored them.