Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The One (or Two) Rings

So one of the best things about being single is the opportunities.

And I'm not just talking about the sheer joy of M&S Meals for One - those things are like a party in my mouth and everybody came! - but the possibilities presented for one Gentleman Who's Good With Colours About Town.

You see, I've always wanted an office affair. I know, I know, sheer Bridget Jones, but just imagine the fun! Coming in five minutes apart, pretending you've been on separate trains. The flirty emails when you're supposed to be on deadline. The staying late together so you can have a quick fumble in the store cupboard before he has to go home to his partner. Look, I never said I was classy now, did I?

Hopefully a married man. Oooh, applause! Someone who's playing away from his battleaxe of a wife. I don't think I've had anyone 'straight' in my long and varied career. I mean, there's always the odd builder who pats you on the arm and says 'Thanks mate' in a gruff voice as you're smiling politely and wiping your chin, thinking 'you may have been hung like a horse but this is dry-clean only you know'. And there was this gentleman I was seeing for quite a while who never invited me back to his place because it transpired his girlfriend and baby were always in. But I didn't class him as straight as he nigh-on presented like a mandrill as soon as he got through my front door.

So yes. An office affair. What fun!

Of course, there are many bad things about suddenly being single.

And one of the most troublesome is all those men I used to put off with 'I'm sorry, I find you really attractive, but I have a boyfriend. Maybe if things were different...' only to find they are now sniffing around like Cher outside a plastic surgeons.

Ah. Hoist by my own petard. I'll just make up that 'I'm just out of a relationship and I'm not ready' or 'I've got an STD' or 'I've just bought the Paris Hilton album' - all are clear signs that you're madder than Margot Kidder with a bat in her hair, and no self-respecting homothexual will come near you.

Oh well. If you want me this weekend, I'll be hanging around the supply cupboard, ready to pounce on anyone with a flash of gold on their left hand. Rather like a gay Golem.

10 comments:

CyberPete said...

So bright... so beautiful... our precious

Limehouse Dan said...

Suggest Limehouse Chariots, weekdays, around 6.30am. They shine there like stars in the night...

x

Adrian said...

I can't help but think I should suggest menatplay.net. Failing that, City Boys in good old Central Station.

First Nations said...

yes, the 'presented like a mandril' comment has caused me to fill my sinus cavities with hot coffee. morning with Lee.

which in fact made a sound rather like the wv: vlurp

i adore you recklessly.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I just adore Margot's look. Do you know where she got her bat from?

Dinah said...

Good luck. You make a workplace romance sound so much fun.

Frank said...

Not to get reallly geeky or anything *ahem*, but it's "Gollum," not "Golem." Unless you meant to imply that you're a clay figure imbued with the semblance of life by a Jewish rabbi in Prague via the power of Jewish mysticism. Hmmmm... maybe that explains Madonna...

klee said...

"Those things are like a party in my mouth and everybody came!"

You mean they're all salty and taste very faintly of shellfish?

The gays are deluded and lack self-awareness: how else would you explain Dannii Minogue?

AndyT13 said...

A Gay Gollum! Coffee. Everywhere.
That's a riot! Good luck in your quest!

BEAST said...

but but but I only wanted a new pencil.......