Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Just Another Kink In Your Steel

Well. The new Girls Aloud song is a right barnstormer of a hit.

Which I assume is a good thing. I've never stormed a barn. Oh yes,
I've been biffed in the back alley a few times, and I did once break
into a Greig's Bakers because my blood-sugar was so low I was
hallucinating I was a member of a Stars on 45 tribute act. Which is a little recursive, but anyone two streets shy of a Curly Whirly won't argue with you in that state.

But Girls Aloud! Those of you new to these hallowed glittering halls (wipe your feet, genuflect to the statue of Cher) won't know of my obsession with these
fivemarvelouss lasses. For you Jonny Foreigners out there, imagine the Pussycat Dolls without the split-crotch panties and theherpess cream, and the need to latch on to some 'credible' rap artist to maypole around in the video. What we have here are four winners of a national talent contest, picked for their looks, singing and dancing. And also Nicola, the ginger one who we love because she always looks like she's counting the dance moves in her head whenever she appears on screen. She's our favourite. She's the one who you watch going '...aww, bless.' Like the kid with calipers you see at a wedding.

So, to be honest, this song came as a complete surprise: we thought we'd get three albums and a Greatest Hits, but it seems someone's left a recording studio unlocked long enough for them to do an entire new album! The gays rejoice! But the biggest surprise it is marvelous. It makes me want to hie it to a podium somewhere - anywhere - take off my top and dance like a spastic being electrocuted.

And witness the video! Fantastic. The girls have cars and there are many shots of them caressing a gearstick. Whatever could it mean?! Well, to be honest, they never go with very high-brow concepts with Girls Aloud promos. Witness, in order:

The Sound of the Underground: The girls are underground

No Good Advice: The girls are covered in tin-foil. Clearly not good advice to anyone, bar marathon runners.

Life Got Cold: The girls look cold

Jump: The girls break into 10 Downing Street. And jump on a bed.

The Show: The girls own a hairdressers (yeah, we're not sure either)

Love Machine: The girls go to a club and drink alcopops.

I'll Stand By You: The girls go to the beach, seemingly in November

Wake Me Up: The girls are given motorbikes. Probably because they are loud and would indeed 'wake you up'.

Long Hot Summer: The girls open a garage, for no other reason that their tits can be splashed with motor oil.

Biology: The girls stand in a room with butterflies. Cause they're, like, biological. (or 'byo-logick' as Nicola would probably say)

See The Day: The girls are trapped in a snow globe. (Do, if you get a chance, YouTube this. There's a brilliant moment where Nicola is lying around with her dead eyes next to a pool of water. But its so dark it looks like blood and she's been bludgeoned by the director or something. Hilare!)

Whole Lotta History: The girls go tglasses. And wear glassses like sexy supply teachers.

So, basically, don't expect Citizen Kane if you're watching The Aloud. In this video, they're given cars. Oh yes. Cars, and a back-projection screen which they then dance in front of. Ooh, irony! They're playing with you as the audience: do you see?! Do you?

Despite it being exposed as being fake by the girls themselves, it's interesting to note that they still don't let Nicola drive.

Probably because she's hanging out the back window with her tongue lolling out like a big old Red Setter.

Girls Aloud. I love you.


Bob said...

Something kind of ewwwww.

CyberPete said...

Bless. Can't wait to see that!

I like the Alouds a lot. Still, Geri beats Nicola hands down.

Love Geri...

MrD said...

Goodness, were you drunk or otherwise intoxicated whilst blogging this post?
Text all over the place, numerous spelling mistakes, bad English... it's like a gaydar profile.
Someone is obviously having too much fun in singledom...

Please point me in whatever direction you're going, I wanna come along for the ride...


And Lee, I so love you. You are worth a bestseller with the poetry you write. Never get bitter and twisted like me please.

I Love London - Honest! said...

AARGH! A quick c/u of a 'sultry' Nicola right at the end of the vid. Well, that's put me off my crunchie nut cornflakes...

Tickersoid said...

We all love Nicola!

I tried to figure it out in a post of mine.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh no! They let Nicola dress herself again. That poor girl. She looks like a corpse...