Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Palace of Man

(Enter Jay, resplendent in towel)

JAY: Beardface!

LEE: Gallager!

JAY: Where on earth have you been?! It's been a fortnight! The TiVo is full of Girls Aloud nonsense and I can't empty it!

LEE: I've been here, all the time!

JAY: In a sauna? You can't live in a sauna!

LEE: I can, and I have! And I thought this would be the first place you'd look, to be honest. Has it really been two weeks?

JAY: Yes! How on earth..! but..! How did you..?!

LEE: You're spluttering, dear.

JAY: Yes I bally well am! You can't live in a sauna!

LEE: Er...

JAY: Well clearly you have. Although I must say - your pores look remarkable. I can now bear to look at your nose without thinking 'you know, I've had socks with smaller holes in them'.

LEE: Do you mind?

JAY: ...I mean they used to look like the crater from where the dinosaurs were wiped out.

LEE (pointedly): Anyway. What are you doing here - you're not even dressed for it. You're wearing your day clothes!

JAY: I'm wearing a towel.

LEE: On your head.

JAY: It's a good look.

LEE: You look like a minimalist Carmen Miranda.

JAY: Come now, how can you have lived in here for two weeks. How did you survive?

LEE: You can live quite easily here. It's got everything I need: steam, sunshine and boys! The lounge has a TV that's constantly tuned to Magic music, and you know no trip to a sauna is complete without a Bonnie Tyler marathon. This place has even got a maze for those 'in between' moments when I get little bored.

JAY: Where?

LEE: There.

JAY: What, the piece of corrugated plastic in the shape of an 'S'?

LEE: I never said it was hard to solve. They're like this is most saunas, you know. Although... I have heard of one in Cleveland... Oh, it sounds like the Ritz of all saunas! It has an indoor beach..!

JAY: You're joking. But I'd insert something funny about 'catching crabs' here, but you're too misty-eyed to listen.

LEE: Oh Gallagher, I'm perfectly happy here! You can really make a go of it, you really can. See those two over there - that's Howard and Ian.

JAY: Who?

LEE: Them. There.

JAY: What, under the two brown leather throws in the steam room?

LEE: Ah. I think your glasses have fogged up.

JAY (squeaky squeaky squeaky): Good lord! The steam's completely dried them out. They look like beef jerky!

LEE: They've been here for three years this month, you know. They're so happy here.

JAY: Beardface you can't stay here for three years! You're the only one who knows where the can opener is. And I'm hungry!

LEE: I have a new home now. Come see my cubicle - I've been doing it up.

LEE OPENS A CUBICLE DOOR. DRY ICE SLOWLY FILTERS DOWN, THE LITLING TONES OF THE CARPENTERS ALSO HEARD.

LEE (continued): See? It's quite homely!

JAY: Oh! That is nice! The mirror ball, the posters of Cher... look, you even have a little mat that says 'Welcome - Wipe Your Feet'!

LEE: Ah. That's my underwear. Look. See? It's printed on the back.

JAY: You disgust me.

LEE: Come on. It pays to advertise in here.

JAY: Not that - I can see some ceramic 'Lilliput Lanes' on your mantelpiece. How gauche. Clearly your time away from me has impaired your views on such matters. Come on - come home. It's time to throw in the towel.

LEE: But it's lovely in here! We had a dinner party the other day; Howard, Ian and myself. We raided the vending machines and had a party.

JAY: They have roast chicken in the vending machines?

LEE: Well, crisps.

JAY: Beardface, there's a whole world of things out there, bar cock, vending machines and steam rooms. The real world awaits.

LEE: Has anything really changed in two weeks? I mean really?

JAY: Yes!

LEE: Go on then. What did I miss?

JAY: Korea threatened more nuclear tests.

LEE: Hum.

JAY: Heather McCartney is suing the world for all the money she can stuff in her fake leg.

LEE: Meh.

JAY: All Saints have reformed and got a new single out.

LEE: I'll get my coat. You grab the 'Lilliput Lanes'.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear, I misssed you. I even went looking for you under the couch. Should have known youd be collecting souvenir pencils at the tubs.
x

Tickersoid said...

I wonder if saunas would be popular with the rugby boyos of Pontyhotpant?

Anonymous said...

Glad you are about again - was about to say out and about, but that was just a bad cliche too far...even for me.

Anonymous said...

My indifference to All Saints is still in place, I must admit.

I liked one or two of their tracks with William Orbit, but on the whole... meh.

But to be fair I was mainly indifferent to Girls Aloud prior to "The Show" so clearly my Damascus moment is yet to occur with regards to Shaznay, Camelface et al.

Snooze said...

The power of music. I'm a bit choked up right now...

Owen Blacker said...

Constantly tuned to Magic?

I was in there recently and was overjoyed to see that Sky Sports was on, so I could get laid and watch the football!

(It's a game where 22 mainly-attractive athletic young men run around in fetishwear. I gather there's a little more to it than that, but with Cashley, Shevchenko (1, 2, 3, 4), the chavtastic Joe Cole, Didier Drogba (1, 2, 3) and Boulahrouz, would you really care?)

Yammer Rancour said...

I think I may have run into you there the other week actually... *giggle*