Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Consider Sodding Off

Writer's block. It's a terrible thing.

I need to be constantly stimulated. For example, PJ Hammond - scribe of some of the most classic television scripts of our time - he writes under a mirrorball, which I think is lovely. Maybe getting up and throwing some disco shapes in between plotting to what happened to Sapphire and Steel in that garage.

But my stimulation has been a bit lax of late. Of course I blame Iain M Banks. I thought 'well, why not read some proper sci-fi for once!' and then got trapped in this world of charmingly descriptive prose where NOTHING HAPPENS. And this is why my urge to write anything has been weaker than Posh Spice's excuse of not taking pictures of her kid 'because he's got epilepsy'. Like rot. I say let's throw him in a discotheque and watch him foam his way to oblivion to save us from forty coming years of banal headlines.

Anyway. Iain M Banks and his succubus books. Do you know Consider Phlebas takes four chapters to describe a train starting up. And Excession is about... well, it's about 300 pages too long (tatty-boom!) and the plot is about someone who went to a party, someone who may or may not be dead, someone who wants to be an alien then coming together and meeting. So as far as I can tell, it's like Abigail's Party with more outrageously-named Space Cocktails. It's beautifully done, but by the gods, I've been on Pride marches that move faster.

So I'm going to give them all up and do colouring books instead. And if anyone suggests I read anything more 'creatively fulfilling' than a Mills and Boon, I'm going to twat them.


Anonymous said...

Lawyers only do books by colour you know;
White Book ( Rules of Court (civil))

Yellow Book (tax)

Blue Book (company law)

only comes unstuck when you get to insolvency which is a sort of orangey red colour...

Anyhoo said...

Succubus books? One word: papercuts.

And colouring books are great, especially if one tries to subvert them or make them as malevolent as possible. Such work is also ideal for petrifying flatmates; they'll never dare ask you to clean the bathroom again.

Gary said...

Oh hold on - I thought one read Iain M. Banks books for the funny ship names. Frank Exchange of Views - and do you see, it's a warship.


Qenny said...

Consider Phlebas was the first Iain M Banks book I read. I was hooked. Lurve it.

If you want something a bit racier, may I recommend The Count of Montecristo? Or if you fancy the updated version of the same, The Stars Tennis Balls.

Miss Mish said...

Oh! Oh! You are committing blasphemy! Iain M Banks is the god of us Skiffy geeks!
Now remind me to tell you of my Banksy story sometime. Similar to my Tom Baker story but with rather more gin....

Perry Neeham said...

Careful, Ian M Banks is one of my faves! You're right, nothing happens; but it's the scale of nothing happening which does it for me!