Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, November 10, 2006


There's a very, very thin line between sexy and silly.

Lesbians in movies - with the hair like they've been raiding Bonnie Tyler's hairspray collection and the nails like Freddy Krueger - I personally can't see how any man can find that sexy. They look silly. Yet they're the prerequisite in most straight porn films, tupping each other with frightening fake conviction, and even more frightening ferocity. I tell you, if I were a Lady Wot Licks (a nightmare I often have; that and the one where I've just bought that darling ramie cotton-look bedsheets, only to find them remaindered two days later) and I saw any such lezbean coming at my delicate, fleshy ladygarden with those red talons, I'd tell her to sod off back to her own country.

In a Gentleman's Health Club I used to frequent - you know the ones where you get the free white towel and the massages are extra - I noted that they have installed half a car in one of the upstairs rooms since my last pad around the corridors. The idea being that you can fulfill some sort of fantasy of being diddled over the hood of a car while the shuffling spectators cheer on. Oh apparently people do fantasize about such things - although mine will only be addressed if they include a dungeon downstairs with a dip-tank that'll get Lurpak out of cotton trousers. I'm not saying why; while I did enjoy that afternoon immensely, I do miss those trousers a lot.

Now, the problem with the vehicle installed is, well, it's a really gay car. And this is really the crux of my argument:

4x4 with bull-bar to swing off? Sexy.

Renault Clio in pastel? Silly.

I just have to say it's not as much fun being shunted over the bonnet while all the time you're imagining looking up and seeing someone doing the school run through the windshield. Next time I'm there I'm going to leave a bag of M&S shopping on the top of it, just to be really authentic.

And die laughing while watching someone getting done on the hood with a look in their eye that says 'I wonder if there's any low-fat peach melbas in there...'


johnnydee said...

Speaking as a woman who has sex with women there is nothing less lesbian then big acrylic nails.

There's a snowball's chance in hell that any woman with fingernails that long is getting anywhere near my vagina! The potential for pain is just too high!

Snooze said...

Can't. stop. laughing. I love your depiction of the gay car.

AndyT13 said...

Only you, my dear man, could get your big toenail ripped off and then cheerfully chuckle about the gayness of a Renault Clio in pastel at a Gentleman's Health Club. Funny, my gym isn't like that at all. Then again it's run by a marine and has only two showers and no lockers. It does however have the benefit of being only $100 US a year and you're in no danger of being shagged by surprise if you drop the soap.
Um...I think. That personal trainer looked like he wanted to get awfully personal. I felt not unlike a fine pork chop when he said "I've been watching you. You're looking GOOD!" Um, yes, uh, thanks. Cheerio!

Qenny said...

The fake Ladies Who Munch in straight porn films could at least make one concession to reality by not having a middle talon. I know one doesn't expect porn to be an exact replica of real life - the number of times I've ended up grunting over a hot mechanic when I took my Felicia Fun in for a service can be counted on the fingers of no hands - but a little nod of the head in the direction of reality wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?

Lee said...

'Felicia Fun'?

I am troubled yet adore you.

Owen Blacker said...

It'd be tacky of me to enquire as to which specific Health Club that might have been, wouldn't it?

Qenny said...

Felicia Fun - a limited edition (they made 300 of them) Skoda, only ever made in bright, faggy yellow, and featuring a yellow leather interior, including yellow leather steering wheel, handbrake and gearstick. Also features yellow controls on the dash, and yellow wheel trim. Oh, and it's a convertible ute. Normally a two-seat cabin with a flat bed (like a mini gay pickup truck), the panel behind the seats opens out to give an additional two open-topped seats. The gayest car ever made. Perhaps they should put one in Chariots, or Pleasuredrome, or whatever the place was where you suffered your toenail injury.

The only other person I know who has one is a lesbian.

Perry Neeham said...

My money is on Chariots. Silly idea really. If it's not a sweat filled Hummer I don't want to play.

Qenny said...

I thought a sweat-filled hummer was what one sometimes accidentally let's rip during ... oh, never mind.

Spike said...

Quenny said yellow leather interior.

Jesus H Christ.