Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, November 06, 2006


Of course, homothexual pubs can be equally as scary.

And we're not just talking the price of a bottle of wine these days (lord, do magical pixies drain it through Brad Pitt's gold-plated jock strap now?) but those certain pubs that are just full of wraiths and pensioners. The Public House of the Lost. That Smells Slightly of Ralgex.

There's one up near Marble Arch which I only ever visit dutifully on Hallow e'en, so I don't know whether the cobwebs there are for decoration or not. It's the kind of place that, if you hear a good laugh from someone, it's usually followed by a 'chink! splash!' as their false teeth fall into their pint. And everyone clusters around the toilets - maybe it's for saucy reasons, maybe their bladders aren't as strong and any slight shock (burst balloon, we've gone to decimal currency, etc) may cause a yellow monsoon about their comfortable brogues.

Of course, in any gay ecosystem, there's the tiny teeth-cleaning bird to the crocodile. And in this place, it's the stick-thin boys who only ever go in there on pension day. They're an artform in themselves, watching them inveigle their way into an elderly man's affections for the night. For some reason, they've also taken the Pet Shop Boy's 'Rent' off the jukebox too.

Now, as I'm sure you all know, I like having the willies put up me, so I was in there on Hallow e'en for a bit of a scare. Girding my loins against the shambling zombies after a pint. After you install yourself in a corner, you can fair get ratted on pre-war price pints, and sing along to some rather marvellous Vera Lynn tunes before kicking out time.

I can't remember much after that. The last I recall is tripping over a kid in a scary Condoliza Rice mask and nicking all his Curly-Whirlies. I must have gone into a mad sugar spiral because I've just had my phone bill and I think I spent the whole night texting Moira Stewart to ask her how she gets her hair like that.


Qenny said...

Marble Arch, hmm? Rent boys and old men? Sounds like the City Of Quebec to me. Do I get a prize?

A Condie Rice mask - now that IS scary, although I suppose also quite traditional to dress up as a witch.

(I hope that doesn't rub Inexplicable Device up the wrong way.)

Anonymous said...

I so nearly rang you last week and said "come for a beer at the Bricklayers Arms" but then I wimped!

Lee said...

Ah you should have done!
I'd have been in Cardiff, but the thought was there. Hugs!

Bob said...

Ten of us ended up there during Larry's bday party, all in bad drag the other weekend. You would have loved it.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

That Rice woman is certainly not one of mine, Qenny!

Heaven forbid. And it probably will too.

Lee: Did Moira text back?